I won’t ever assume that I know exactly what you’re feelings are or what your going through, but a lot of what you said struck me as having some similarities to my own experiences. If you ever want to chat send me a PM anytime. It’s difficult when you’ve been through things that feel as if people couldn’t ever understand. Situations so unique to you, or traumatic, maybe it’s something not spawned from an event or trauma, but it’s a mental or emotional state that you talk about. Like depression or anxiety and people say “I know exactly what you mean! Just go do something that makes you happy!” Yeah they are trying to be helpful and positive. But it feels like they don’t really know you for who you really are. And after being through situations or having emotional and mental health conditions that make you feel separated from what’s “normal” or can feel like the one thing you most want in life is just to be able to know who you really are, to communicate that truthfully, and then to be understood for that. And when that kind of truth is expressed, I personally want a world where we aren’t “accepted” for it, because “accepting” is what you do when you get a job offer that pays a little less than what you want. It’s less than ideal but you “accept” it. I want a world where we recognize that uninhibited expression, the truth without fear, and cherish each other for it. So as cheesy as it sounds, and as lame as this will probably come across, I think that you posting about yourself on such an open and honest way is genuinely beautiful, and I hope you can continue to do so without fear.

Its a true struggle. Through all the stuff I have been through, depression is the one that I can’t defeat.

[quote]Be yourself kids, don’t get stuck in the stereotypes of what ever larger group of intersectionality you’ve been shoehorned into.[/quote] Things don't go well when people are grouped arbitrarily and told their problems are due to another group. We are all a minority of one. To your main topic, I believe in you

When I was about 7 or 8 I really liked my teacher in school. He had a reputation for being an angry -blam!- but I got along with him. One day about halfway through the year he didn’t show up. The substitute said he was off sick so we thought nothing about it. Weeks went by, months, for the rest of the year we had a constantly changing stream of different teachers and none of them told us what happened. Something broke in my brain and I started acting up. I HATED being at school after lunchtime, and every single day I would pretend to get sick so I could go home. I even tried to run away; i got halfway down the road with my little sister before one of the teachers noticed and came after us, and then I tried to run away from home. Turns out the teacher who left was sent to prison for child stuff, and I have memories that imply he did stuff to me. I don’t like new people, I don’t trust them, I barely open up to anyone and my brain doesn’t let me think other people even like me. And that’s before we get into the muddy mental health waters of growing up as a disabled kid. The way people look at you and treat you, the kind of presence you have to cultivate to be as inconspicuous as possible, the social cues you have to fake responses to, the walls you have to put up just to get through the day. Makes ya want to scream sometimes.

I spent three years yearning for someone. Watched them grow as a person. Helped them through some tough times. I was afraid to confess out of fear of rejection. Sure enough, within a month of confessing I f[b]u[/b]cked things up. I was rejected on Thanksgiving Day and told last night to move on. Hurts like hell. Sometimes I wish I could just... turn off. There are lots of people who depend on me to perform though, and I've set a precedent of excellence for myself, so unfortunately this means late nights and silent tears. I'm accepted by most, but it comes at a great cost.

[quote]I talk more about my insecurities/mental health in a way that makes them seem a little overwhelming or in a way that could make one think I cannot handle them. There are days when they are that way. There are also days when it’s just a feeling and I get over it. A thing some of y’all know is that I am highly extroverted. In a way that if I do not have a high degree of social stimulation every day or so, I get in a horrible funk that can only be released by the stimuli. For that reason, I love talking to people. The more casual the better because socially that’s where people start to drop their guards and you learn so much about them. Small talk is my paradise, truly. Isolation is not good for anyone really. it’s particularly not good for me. Strangely enough, I hate people. It’s confusing for me to articulate really. I guess I desire to be accepted as Cupid Valentino and not what people see Cupid Valentino as. I really don’t trust people to one unconditionally accepting so I don’t believe people who are oooor even more self sabotaging, I think there is no way they could accept me. I’m stuck at an impasse. That’s my infrequent mental health post Be yourself kids, don’t get stuck in the stereotypes of what ever larger group of intersectionality you’ve been shoehorned into.[/quote] If you need resources to help with your Mental Health issues Bungie has some help and advice on the site.

i also need to be around people. i love the mindless ride that comes with being around other people. if im alone i need something to do. if theres no work ill literally binge on anything. that said since im in school i pretty much always have to be alone. sometimes i wonder who i would have become if i didn’t decide to go to school my father is a zero that threatens everyone that doesnt give him money while he sits on his fat -blam!- 24/7 and complains about not getting free money from here and there. he cant take criticism or he looses it, so he moves straight to violence if anyone gives him a reality check. since i grew up without any source of guidance or financial support, ive walked alone as a clueless kid for some time. as a result i was cornered into investing only in academics as my only option since you cant really socialize or do anything at all if you have no money. it really sucks to watch everyone move on without me, having fun and living bigger and better than anything ive ever had. i only feel worse for my mother and brother who had their lives ruined by my dads stupidity. ive watched their spirits crumble slowly over the years and their lives are just so unbearably stale. throw in the inconveniences of poverty and being stuck in a shitty household with shitty angry lazy people and you have a real hell on earth lifestyle. during a depressive state i did nothing but study the bible for answers, and im still not sure how thats affected me. all i know is that i take pride in my knowledge of the unanswered mysteries of the bible, though i definitely wouldnt consider myself a believer. it didnt take long to learn that i was too hateful of a scumbag to remain depressed and unproductive for long. the stories in exodus, judges, and numbers really spoke to me. thankfully im a bit of a workaholic, which makes me the perfect med school applicant. idk where i heard it, but someone told me that the best revenge is to live a better life. im on track to be a physician, and working towards a goal is the most fulfilling thing you can ever experience. i have no doubt ill live bigger and better than any -blam!- that’s ever gotten in my way. sometimes im thankful i grew up in such a horrible situation because if i didn’t then i wouldnt have grown up into this unusually ambitious person that i am now. ive learned to hate and be disgusted at those who are weak, lazy, worthless, undisciplined, and undetermined, a trait that led me to salvation. this might mean that i have to sacrifice my social life almost completely but if it means more money than i know what to do with then -blam!- it [i]“determination destroys determinism”[/i]

Back in kindergarten I used to stay with my uncles a lot while my mom was working. We were pretty close. I saw one hit by a semi and I went mad. My mother had to carry me out of the visitation because I saw him wink and made a scene shouting about how it was just a game. I still vividly remember him smiling and winking. She also had to pull me out of school for a bit because I'd be whispering and giggling to my uncle in class which was very disruptive and probably creepy. My other uncle stopped talking to me. I'd throw a violent fit whenever someone tried to put me in a vehicle. My mother or older sisters had to wrap me in a makeshift straight jacket or blanket burrito, strap me into a car seat, then buckle it up in the backseat where I'd scream and wail either until we got where we were going or I passed out. I'm fine riding now but still get panic attacks when behind the wheel. I got help and got a bit better but was teased and bullied for being the crazy girl at school, so we moved away after 1st grade to a small village to start over. I had a few more breakdowns after a couple other deaths but nowhere near as dramatic. Recently dealt with my father and grandfather. I see and hear other things too. Cats, people, voices, shadows, gore, bugs. It varies. The mosquitoes are not real.

Good post, from a good man. I wish you well, as much as that can mean from a silly anonymous tank LARPer like me. And to that final point, I actually have a question. Discounting stuff that obviously needs to be done in private (Intimacy and -blam!-), where do you draw the line of self-expression, or being yourself/obnoxiousness, or just weirdness? I ask because I've been grappling with the question a bit recently, due to my many eccentricities, and I think it could spark interesting conversation.

Life sucks. Then it doesn’t. Then it does. But if life is gonna suck, it might as well suck more of you.

I disagree, I do not need people. I am an introvert, but I work customer service. I need to be alone after work each day to self recharge and meditate, otherwise I would probably go insane with all the crazy I have to deal with daily... I like being alone, it feels nice, not having to rely on others.