Three days ago, something happened. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, to be honest, but I'll do my best. There was this huge shadow that rose up on the horizon. I never saw it up close, but it sort of looked like a person. A hulking, titan of a person. The skies became a vortex of death, everyone in town flew into a panic, and for a moment, I was certain the world was going to end..
But, it didn't. A light shot out of its head, it disappeared, and.. Everything just went back to normal. I've always wanted some sort of adventure, something exciting to happen, but.. Every time I think of that dream, now, I just think of the terror that came over me that day. That feeling like you know you're going to die. I want to say that the whole ordeal has made me grateful for the silence that I took for granted, but I can't help my brain from wondering what the heck had happened, and I just want to run out there, and find all the answers.
I place my hands against the cold windowsill, and lean my head out the window, letting that gentle breeze brush up against my cheeks. I sat there for a moment, lost in the cold, but eventually I opened my eyes, and stared out towards the horizon. My bedroom window conveniently stared directly at the spot where the titan lingered, towering above the mountains. I tried to forget about it. To focus on this life that I'm living here, and now, but my stupid head keeps imagining that behemoth rising again. And when it does, I want to be there.
I look down at my white glove, and start tapping at the little blue buttons on its cuff. A smile creeps across my face, as that exhilarating tingle runs through my body. I point my hand towards the sky, and a small blue bolt of light flies off from my fingers, sending a quick jolt through my arm. Satisfaction. I let my arm hang out the window, and slowly lowered my head to a rest. My heart was racing, and my arm was burning. I focused on that, and everything was still.
Everything, except the sky. There was a shooting star streaming across the cosmos, and I felt like I could almost hear it call for me. Heh. Wouldn't that be something? Called by the very heavens themselves. I traced its path with my ungloved hand, and that's when I realized; it was still there. And it was pink. Not like any shooting star I ever saw! I pulled myself up, with excitement as it slowly descended on the nearby hillside. No way in hell was I letting another adventure pass me by!
I was out of the door, and on my motorcycle before it even made contact. I had a few near crashes, but didn't actually hit anything. I had to keep my gaze fixed to the light, though, I had to see where it landed. Eventually, it made its way into the trees, and vanished from sight, but I knew exactly where it was! Pretty sure, anyway!
I parked on the side of the road, hopped off my bike, and darted towards the landing zone, my heart racing even more than before! This was it, this was my adventure!
I made it. I was too exhausted to stay up, and practically collapsed onto the floor. But I made it. After sitting to rest, I looked around. The glow had to be somewhere, right? I didn't see anything.. Just trees, and rocks, and.. Well, it's understandable if I was off by a little bit, so I pulled myself up, and started looking around for.. Well, I didn't know what I was looking for, but I was sure I'd know it when I saw it!
So I looked.. And looked.. And looked..
And looked..
Nothing. Nothing anywhere.
The next thing I knew sunlight started pouring in through the trees. Had I really been awake all night? There's not anything here.. It couldn't have been a dream, though, could it? I saw it from my bike, I- I slumped down against a tree. I was acting like a kid. Don't be stupid, Sapphire. You have bills to pay, and magic to study, and.. A boring.. Mundane.. Normal life..
I closed my eyes, and let my head fall against the bark. I had papers I needed to work on, and I had just spent all night chasing a will-o-the-wisp.. Great.
"....Where am I...."
My eyes shot open.
"....Why can't I move...."
Someone was talking. I pulled myself to my feet.
"Hello?" I called.
"....Am I....Lost again...."
"Hello!?"
"....No....She can hear me...."
"I can! Where are you!?"
"....Over here....Not far...."
I frantically started looking around. This wasn't a waste, I knew it! I know I saw that light, and I know this is finally where my life REALLY begins!
"....Ow...."
I looked down. I stepped on something. A small black stick, but distinctly man-made. No wonder I didn't see it, this thing blended in perfectly. I reached down to grab it, and immediately recognized that tingling feeling. This thing was magitech! Or something similar anyway.
"I don't see any controls.." I mumbled to myself. "I wonder how I-" A small pink heart suddenly shot out of the tip, and began floating just above the top. I'll admit I panicked a little, and tossed the thing to the ground with a very loud shriek. It didn't seem to be doing anything else though, so I reached down to pick it up again. As my finger touched its surface a glowing pink blade appeared out of the top. It was a sword!
Or, I thought it was a sword, until the blade changed shape, and turned into an axe. A malfunction, maybe? I started turning it over in my hand, to look for any sort of buttons, when the thing tripled in size out of nowhere, and the blade changed shape again, this time turning into a spear.
"Got it!" I said, turning the spear forwards. "It's a shapeshifter!"
The second the words flew out of my mouth, the handle shrunk again, and the blade transformed into a glowing pink ball connected by some sort of flexible light beam. I think it was trying to be a flail. Honestly, this was pretty fun! Maybe not the most efficient weapon, though..
I stared down at the handle. "Let's see.. You've done a sword, an axe, a spear, a.. Ball? What else you got! Come on let me see!"
The handle began to grow, and I stared up at the heart at the top. The blade vanished altogether, this time. A bo staff, maybe? I lowered the heart closer to my head, and stared at it more closely. I really had to study this thing, and figure out how it worked. If I could make a replica that could perform even half as good then I'd ace my magitech invention proje-
~~~~~
My hand reached around the doorknob to my house, and my body began to quietly walk inside. This was so.. Weird.. I wasn't..?
My feet dragged themselves up the stairs, and the next thing I knew I found myself in my room, staring into a mirror. I tried to scream, but I couldn't get my mouth to move. My left eye had been stabbed right through. My face was all bloody, and there were strange black markings running from the bottom of my eye out the edge of my chin.
"Huh, I guess I'll probably need an eyepatch or something for that.." I heard my voice say. "And I guess I'll need a new name, as well. How many were there again..? First.. Sophie.. Uh, Parallel..?"
Who was talking? Why did they sound like me? Why couldn't I talk!? Why couldn't I move!? How was I even alive with a wound like that on my face!?
"And I can feel him somewhere out there.. Not really sure where, though.." My hand lifted up, and stared at the black handle at its palm. "I guess.. I'm number six, then? You know what, to Jannolor with it! Number Six works for me!"
Number Six? Is that who was controlling me? Number Six of what!?
"Hey, girlie, you in there?" Six asked, knocking my hand against my head. Was it talking to me? "I'll give your body back, don't worry. I'm only borrowing it. We've just gotta go talk to number five real quick.. Of course, he's probably not calling himself that, but.." He held up the handle, and it formed a large pink scythe. "When we find him, we just gotta run him through with this.. Deal?"
[spoiler]I mainly write in third person, so I decided to experiment a bit and write in first person. That was the main objective of this piece. I'd appreciate any feedback y'all got for me! 'K? 'K!
That's all for now folks, jambuhbye![/spoiler]
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14 RespostasThis story - or at least the idea behind it - is really good. But since you asked for criticism I have to ask - what's going on with the tense here? Especially in the first half, you keep switching between past tense and present tense description, and it's very jarring to read. Either tense choice is perfectly fine, but you need to choose one and stick to it. I also don't care for the first couple of paragraphs - there's nothing wrong with them though as far as I can tell, so it might just be my personal taste. Like I said though, the story's really good, the writing just needs a bit of reworking. [quote]I mainly write in third person, so I decided to experiment a bit and write in first person. That was the main objective of this piece. I'd appreciate any feedback y'all got for me! 'K? 'K! That's all for now folks, jambuhbye![/quote] It works pretty well as a first person narrative. What I tend to ask is - why am I making this choice? Is this perspective right for this story? And do you know the strengths and weaknesses of each one? Personally, I find first person perspective really useful for a story with one perspective character - you've got one person, and the reader will see the whole story through that one person's senses. I like to see first person narratives with a lot of personal experience - their thought processes, emotional state, senses. And the writing should reflect that as much as the story does. This is why unreliable narrator stories work so well in first person, as well as a story with a strong emotional goal - usually fear or grief.