I agree with what you said. It is naive to think “trust” means that no boundaries have to be set. I’m an accountant by trade and have seen what blind trust leads to. I know employer/employee relationships are different than romantic ones, but trust is still a huge factor. An employer can trust their employee to be honest and to perform their functions. But any employer who “trusts” their employees so much that they don’t put internal controls into place is just looking for trouble. Tens of thousands of employers have lost countless dollars from their most trusted employees because there are no controls and accountability is not required. My wife and I had a serious discussion before we married. One that was a deal breaker for both of us if it didn’t fit our criteria. Happily we both had the same idea when it comes to trust and relationships with the opposite sex. I trust her. She trusts me. But we put boundaries in place to hold each other accountable to keeping our covenant of marriage the top priority. We don’t let anything or anyone interfere. We both told each other that if we accept each other in marriage that we will not have close friends of the opposite sex. Period. We will never be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. Period. If either of us feel that is “controlling” or not trusting enough that is fine and we can break off the relationship with no hard feelings. As harmless as “just friends” may seem, it is human nature to develop strong feelings with people we spend a lot of time with. Even more so with people we confide in. The driver behind us both having a policy of “no such thing as just friends” is because we have both had close friends and immediate family that have lost been divorced due to “just friends” issues. So, why risk it? Even if romantic feelings don’t develop, it can still destroy relationships by causing conflicts of interest. Littles things as simple as choosing his opinion over yours can build up. Petty things often turn into huge stumbling blocks in marriage. It just happens. People aren’t perfect. People aren’t always rational. And you can’t expect them to be. That is why blind trust is naive in both working relationships and romantic ones. Loyalty is huge in a romantic relationship, especially one that can lead to marriage or be considered otherwise permanent. Loyalty to your spouse should be paramount above all other relationships. If not, you are doing it wrong. When my wife and I got married we placed our relationship ahead of previous friendships and even our birth families. We still have good relations with our families and we both have several good friends. But, nothing comes before our marriage and our children. A parent can trust their child. Does that mean a parent shouldn’t have rules in place? Absolutely not. It is a parents job to teach their children and hold them accountable so that they grow into respectable adults. Trust and accountability are not mutually exclusive. They are in fact complementary. They work together. As a result of both my wife and I having the same ideas about trust and relationships we have maintained a solid relationship for many years and have no doubt about our ability to keep it strong. We have never had to question or justify relationships. We have never had to worry. Having doubts in the beginning of a relationship is okay. But it is important for the OP to square those doubts away before completely committing otherwise it will just lead to resentment and undermine a relationship. OP just needs to decide if it is a dealbreaker or not and stick to it. Either way both parties of the relationship need to have the same views about something as important as relationships (especially close ones) with the opposite sex.

Exactly. I like the way you put that. We had a couple we were close friends with and he had a very close female friend that he worked with for years. He confided in her, trusted her, believed there was no attraction in either direction. He and his wife had been fighting over some stupid thing that I can't even remember. So they grabbed a few drinks after work and continued working on their project. At some point, she decided to kiss him full on the lips. He freely admits he enjoyed it for that moment, then broke it and asked her why she did that. The woman claimed to have feelings for him and knew he had feelings for her. He went home and told his wife what happened. As you can imagine, she was pissed, but he did not hide it, he was open & honest about it, so she believed she could move past it. Then it showed up on social media and her friends started talking. Before you knew it, she was sniffing his clothes after work, calling him if he was not home by a certain time. He had to have some location tracking app on his phone. It poisoned their relationship and they got divorced. Marriage is hard enough. People that believe in the television fairy tale of marriage, they are in for a rude awakening. It is work, work, work & maybe some fun, if all the stresses in your lives give you a break. Then throw kids in the mix and that naughty 3- letter word becomes nap! So you have to have that love and trust there to see you through all that horrible stuff that wants to tear your happiness apart. Being single, dating, those are easy. You always have your foot half way out of the door. Being married, if you want it to succeed, you are all in, all the time or it is over before you start. You can't think of yourself, you have to think of your partner & your family first, yourself second. Also, something you said reminded me of when my wife and I got married. The mam who married us, we were his first marriage ceremony and he dug deep to truly learn about what the Bible said about marriage and also wisdom said about it. He told us that we are to cleave unto each other, leaving our family and friends behind. I did not understand it and I was irritated by it, but let it go, as it was our happy day. I understand it now though. It was not that you truly leave them behind, but instead of running to Mom to fix your shirt or make you soup when you are sick, you turn to your spouse. Instead of crying to your friends about your woes, including your spouse, you cry to your spouse and get it out. Those people already have your back and they just get mad at your spouse for hurting you, because they love and/or care about you, so they get poisoned against your spouse and want to get you away from that pain, even though you just needed to vent, because they do not see all the good your spouse does, they just hear your frustrations.

Asking your wife to only hang around with guys when you're there tells me the trust is already jeapardised. And vice versa, of course.

I don’t believe he asks his wife that if she hangs with all guys he has to go or she has to take one or both the kids. She does that on her own because of what it “looks” like. Maybe I’m wrong 🤷🏻‍♂️.

[quote]I don’t believe he asks his wife that if she hangs with all guys he has to go or she has to take one or both the kids. She does that on her own because of what it “looks” like. Maybe I’m wrong 🤷🏻‍♂️.[/quote] Mutually coming to this agreement without talking it through just seems a bit off. Maybe they didn't directly ask each other, but it must have started somehow.

Maybe they have learned this after past relationships.

[quote]Maybe they have learned this after past relationships.[/quote] Possibly. But then it feels a tad disrespectful to keep your partner on a leash because someone else burnt you. Maybe I'm just not that cynical or bitter. I'm not sure I'll find out, though.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. You see it as a “leash” and that ok, that’s you. Me and my wife have never had “that” conversation we’ve never had to. We don’t have a lot of friends that we hangout with regularly. I work and spend time with my sons, I want to spend as much time with them as I can. And she is the same way. May I ask how old you are?

Then you do not understand what I just said. I got 10 years of marriage under my belt, do you even have a relationship?

[quote]Then you do not understand what I just said. I got 10 years of marriage under my belt, do you even have a relationship?[/quote] Dude, don't be so hostile. I'm just commenting as an outsider taking a brief glimpse in. I've got no reason to think one way or the other about your marriage, but immediately getting tetchy and aggressive about a simple comment is only going to make me think it's a sensitive issue for you - and to wonder why.

I was neither hostile nor aggressive. You made a foolish comment and instead of calling you a fool, which I would have done if I was hostile, I told you that you did not understand what I said. I then gave you a bit more information & asked a simple question, because your lack of knowledge and your immediate jump to conclusions would lead me to believe you have no experience if I was so inclined, as well as your inability to answer the question. As for your follow up comment, if my comment leads you to believe I am sensitive, then what do both of your misplaced comments tell you about yourself?

[quote]I was neither hostile nor aggressive. You made a foolish comment and instead of calling you a fool, which I would have done if I was hostile, I told you that you did not understand what I said. I then gave you a bit more information & asked a simple question[/quote] Bullshit, dude. "You clearly aren't getting it, kid. I'm married. With that thinking, do you even have a relationship?" You're gonna tell me you weren't being hostile? You gave me " bit more information" and asked a "simple question"? No, you didn't. That was the best answer you could come up with instead of giving me more insight? [quote]because your lack of knowledge and your immediate jump to conclusions would lead me to believe you have no experience if I was so inclined, as well as your inability to answer the question.[/quote] I'd have been happy to talk to you about the status of my relationship if you didn't try to make me feel like I need to justify my line of thinking as if I'm wrong for treating it differently to you. [quote]As for your follow up comment, if my comment leads you to believe I am sensitive, then what do both of your misplaced comments tell you about yourself?[/quote] Nothing was misplaced. With the information you gave, I asked myself what I did. I never claimed to be right about it, just commenting what I thought.

[quote]Bullshit, dude. "You clearly aren't getting it, kid. I'm married. With that thinking, do you even have a relationship?"[/quote] I never said that and the fact that you believed that was the way I came off, that is a you problem. [quote]You're gonna tell me you weren't being hostile? You gave me " bit more information" and asked a "simple question"? No, you didn't. That was the best answer you could come up with instead of giving me more insight? [/quote] No, I was not being hostile and I still am not. I explained I am married and the length of time. You made assumptions without even asking the first question about anything I said. I asked the question because it would have given me a place to start with the conversation, but the fact that you are avoiding it and trying to paint me as some angry person, really makes me question why I am bothering. [quote]I'd have been happy to talk to you about the status of my relationship if you didn't try to make me feel like I need to justify my line of thinking as if I'm wrong for treating it differently to you.[/quote] I did not try to make you feel anything. You are making assumptions and I see no reason why you should feel defensive. From where I sit, it also appears you are trying to avoid answering my question and to deflect this conversation in a different direction. [quote]Nothing was misplaced. With the information you gave, I asked myself what I did. I never claimed to be right about it, just commenting what I thought.[/quote] You also did not ask me any questions, you assumed, you jumped to conclusions. So yes, there is a lot misplaced on your end. Maybe try asking questions first, before you cast judgement, it might also help you avoid thinking people are being hostile.

Dang. Longest post I’ve seen by you 😂

Keep scrolling, I have longer in this thread alone, LOL.

GOODNESS ME. I’m impressed.

Hey, I'm not going to let somebody accuse me or my wife of being controlling and abusive to each other without explaining what is going on. He is lucky it is me replying to him, because if it was my wife, she would have just torn his ass up one side and down the other, lol.

You got this 👌

You, Jeff & Cobravert all seem to understand what I am saying, but I can't seem to make it clear to him. I do not know if it is an age thing or if I am just not using the words, but he has this very twisted and I can't seem to clear it up.

Yeah, a mutual accountability sounds like a great idea in my opinion. Oh well.

That is exactly it! Also, with all the other things/stresses that work to tear apart your relationship like, job, money, kids, doctors, exhaustion, schedules, growing older, changing likes & dislikes.......why wouldn't you want to reduce any possible stress you can? We have a few things we realized we could remove from our "break-up causes" list. Then we straight up said we are Rick Rollin each other for life!