[quote]Lakshmi-2, the Future War Cult's bloody-minded representative, was much more forgiving of Shaxx's questionable practices. "We've got to be ready to band together regardless of faction or race or class and fight the Darkness with all we have," she said. "Shaxx helps us be ready to do just that. Plus, the extra money has allowed Shaxxy to spend more time with his admirers…what? No, I’m not blushing. Those are my pink facial highlights.”[/quote]the hidden things in these get better every time.

The great Shaxxby throws the best parties!

WOW! Absolutely glad I clicked and read! This was some great work and a total fun read! I wouldn't mind if we had a bulletin board such as the one next to the bounty robot where we click and read stuff of this nature!!

This is so funny I love reading these

Stories like this are the few bright spots on the forums lol A+ man keep them coming. Very well written and very funny

I can't stop laughing!!!

"You want the Crucible? I AM the Crucible!" Lololololol Lord Shaxxby is my favorite NPC.

[quote]Ever since the[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/71883476] Cryptarch's Engram scandal[/url] was uncovered, Guardians have been leery about the dealings of Tower Officials. A recent discovery this week confirmed that their suspicions were well-founded. "Lord Shaxx was too busy rooting for both sides of a crucible match to comment," a recent Tower News article read. As it turns out, The Crucible Handler really[i] was[/i] rooting for both sides. Every time a guardian competes in the Crucible wearing a faction emblem, they gain reputation for that faction. The more popular a faction is, the easier it is for them to press their political agendas in the City. In short, Guardians join and fight for their faction in exchange for Legendary gear, and the faction in turn gains ground in City politics. Sometime in September, Arach Jalaal, the Dead Orbit faction representative, offered monetary incentives to Lord Shaxx to rig Crucible matches in his faction's favor. It is not the first time Jalaal has broken rules in the name of Dead Orbit's “great project.” Lord Shaxx agreed to the arrangement, and secretly cut deals with the other two factions. Once they had all agreed to pay him to rig the matches, Lord Shaxx made sure that Guardians from every faction were on both teams in Crucible matches. That way, no matter who won, Lord Shaxx would be rewarded by every faction in the tower and be sun bathing in Old Cancun in no time. To make matters worse, Guardians gain reputation based on overall performance, which means that the bloodier the battle, the fatter the paycheck for Lord Shaxx. This fact partially explains Shaxx’s orgasmic enthusiasm for blood baths. “Show them the true meaning of war!” he says. “Show no mercy! You fight to win, Guardian! Haha! You're crushing them; send them home crying!” "Lord Shaxx's duty is to give guardians the skills they need to push back the darkness," The Speaker said when asked to comment on the subject. "It doesn't matter to me whether Shaxx is making a little money on the side doing it. The Tower is not discussing pressing charges at this time." Regardless of official charges, Shaxx defends his actions, saying that he gladly redistributes his wealth at the end of each match by rewarding the worst players on each team. Apparently there is method to his madness, as these players are then better equipped to murder each other to pay Shaxx's bills. He was silent about the other rumors of his monetary generosity. The riotous[url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/72810459] raves in the Tower Hangar Night Club[/url] have been attributed to him by many of the guests. Some of the cryptarchs, who are well-versed in Earth's history, have taken to calling him "The Great Shaxxby," both because of the parties as well as the questionable manner in which they are supposed to be funded. While Tower News cannot confirm reports that the Crucible Handler is behind the raves, the Exotic fur shoulder pieces he reps seem to point to an increase in wealth. However, it should be noted that there are other, more plausible explanations of how he got his wardrobe. Some claim Lord Shaxx was sent through a Vex time gate while soloing the Vault of Glass. He found himself in the Ice Age without a weapon, so he strangled a woolly mammoth with his bare hands and took its scrotum as a trophy. The legend goes that he then returned to the vault and killed Aetheon single-handedly - without pushing him off the edge. The Speaker's lax stance on the issue of the Crucible scandal has led to accusations of his own involvement in the affair. New Monarchy claims he encouraged Shaxx to prevent factions from gaining ground on each other by making them gain reputation at the same rate. "The Speaker can easily keep his office if there are no factions popular enough to threaten his overthrow," the New Monarchy Tower rep said. Lakshmi-2, the Future War Cult's bloody-minded representative, was much more forgiving of Shaxx's questionable practices. "We've got to be ready to band together regardless of faction or race or class and fight the Darkness with all we have," she said. "Shaxx helps us be ready to do just that. Plus, the extra money has allowed Shaxxy to spend more time with his admirers…what? No, I’m not blushing. Those are my pink facial highlights.” We interviewed Lord Shaxx and asked him to comment on the Dead Orbit deal that started it all. "Dead Orbit's not in charge of the Crucible," he said forcefully. "I am." A decision to remove Lord Shaxx from his position would likely be disastrous for Tower security personnel. Shaxx, who describes himself as "an ass-whoopin' incarnate" replied to threats to remove him from the Tower by placing his massive hands on his hips and saying: "You want the crucible? I am the Crucible!" While it is unclear what this actually means, we felt it was best to conclude the interview before anyone was seriously injured. Lord Shaxx is currently still in charge of the Crucible, and is actually still receiving bribes from all three factions. It seems they are too intimidated by him to withdraw their funding. It is unclear whether or not their money will appease him [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Profile/254/6951602]JurgenBlitz[/url], a resident Titan, was the first to inform Tower News of this issue. Tune in to #TowerNews for more news updates from #SamboBaggins91[/quote] Haha bravo..

Brilliant. This was quite the laugh :)

I'm not sure how you keep doing it, but so far all of these tower news stories have been well written and very entertaining to read. Keep it up man! I vote for giving you a tower NPC to memorialize your grade A "reporting".

DESTINY IS GETTING RECALLED!!

Hahahahah!

[quote]Regardless of official charges, Shaxx defends his actions, saying that he gladly redistributes his wealth at the end of each match by rewarding the worst players on each team. [/quote] Ha.

LMAO! "... - without pushing him off the edge." Hahahaha these keep getting better and better. Looking forward to the next one.