This is an extremely important letter to all those who have or plan on purchasing "sporks." DON'T!!!!!! I know what you guys are wondering: what are sporks? And honestly I wish I could ask the same thing following what happened the other day. So a spork is a kitchen utensil that is the hybrid of a spoon and a fork, hence the name "spork." Clever wordplay. But that's where the cleverness ends. My spouse and I decided to purchase a set of sporks to spice up the kitchen life. The kids would love efficiency and having a spoon that could double as a fork appealed to them in ways I will never understand. So we bought a set of 12 from Costco for about $4. Pretty expensive for Costco items if I do say so myself. So we open the sporks up and immediately were met with great feedback. The sporks work just as well as their constituent spoon and fork counterparts and the kids ate them up. Day and night they would use the sporks. Gone are the days of having to clean metal forks and spoons separately. Then it happened. One day I was preparing some mashed potatoes when I put a spork, pointing down, in the mashed potatoes. It seemed to be fine, but I accidentally added to much butter to the mashed potatoes - as a result, the spork became flimsy and fell down. Right as it happened, I tried grabbing it. I slipped, however, upon doing so. I fell down just as the spork did. The spork fell down at a much faster rate than I did, but the second my butt hit the floor, the spork, for a split second, was pointing UP. What are the odds of me falling down ass first on the spork? 100% that day. The second the spork hit the ground facing in a direction exactly perpendicular to my asshole, I fell down buttfirst in a sitting position. Not in a splits position - -blam!-, I wish. It was in a 90 degree sitting position. If it was a metal fork, it probably would have poked me a bit before slipping away on the carpet. If it was a metal spoon, I'd be perfectly fine - the spoon would contort and bend away. I'd have to pay for a new spoon, but it would save me from the cleansing that I went through. The spork was made of plastic, and not the weak kind. The second my full 200 lbs. of body weight hit the ground, the spork didn't admit defeat: the second I landed on the spork, it burrowed its spiky head up my asshole, right through my white jeans, completely shattering my anal sphincter and burrowing its rounded head up my anal canal. The spork was at least 5 inches long when it made its journey. With every inch it went the more pain I felt as I physically felt my rectum tear in two from the razor-sharp plastic edges of the spork. By the time my butt made remote contact with the ground, the spork's end was already past my buttcheeks, completely inserted in. My white jeans were stained dark red, almost black from the internal hemorrhaging that destroyed my insides. I am typing this from the hospital, eating soup with a fork. Tl;dr: A spork that was the spawn of Satan spelunked it's way into my sphincter. EDIT: well I do believe we are trending. Ain't that just dandy. Edit 2: Do you guys actually believe this?