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Edited by Gallowality:
8/17/2014 3:07:35 AM
61
Care to give an opinion? Read up, Guardians! (Updated)
Below is a short chunk of a Fanfic Im working on. I just want to get some feedback. If you're a fan of the lore.
EDIT: I stayed up all night and worked on some new content for you guys. Let me take a moment though to thanks all of you guys who read my little piece of Destiny lore. I never expected such a positive reaction to my writing. You guys really warmed my heart. Unfortunately the update has too many characters to post here- so I've added a link to a website that has the updated tale in a format that's easier to read. But be sure to review the whole thing again because ive implemented a lot a changes and improvements. Please let me know if anything feels too bloated now. I hope you enjoy what I've added.
Click [url=http://www.wattpad.com/65492718-high-orbit-path-to-a-legand-high-orbit-path-of-a?utm_source=web&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&ref_id=33887937]HERE[/url] to continue the Journey.
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This is very good, I find many faults in the phrasing of other fanfictions, but this piece is spectacularly written! I might change 'Earth's Moon' to 'Luna' or something similar, just to simplify it a tad, but it may prove more troublesome than it's worth
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Great job.
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Fantastic
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Pretty good, feels almost like cannon. Renaissance was misspelled, the only thing I really noticed. Also I thought the ghosts could fabricate things out of available matter though, it's how they made the starter armor. If so it doesn't seem a broken part would hold up a guardian for very long. That said keep it up, good fanfic is always fun.
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Well Done!, I really enjoyed the ghosts having different personalities.
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1 ReplyIts entertaining, and you did a good job of establishing the characters in such a short space. I would be interested in reading more. one thing I saw in the beginning was that you just simply stated information, like about the first guardian being a titan. The second scene you established it naturally through conversation, so I'd like to see that first part rewritten so as to reveal the info there naturally as well.
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An intriguing little beginning in your Great Journey, Gallow.
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I usually pass on long threads. I am happy I did not pass this up. Good job Guardian. I would like to read more.
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Amazing!
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This is really good, I look forward to reading more.
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3 RepliesIf you post part two. Is there away to follow you from this app?
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Nice, i would like to read more, keep it up XD
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Interesting... I like it..
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Primary paragraph, line six: "rouge bits of rock," I believe you intended the word "rogue" to fill that slot.
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try posting on fanfiction.net
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4 RepliesWhen you say Earth's moon in your location declaration at start, you may be interested to know that the moon's specific name is "Luna." If your fiction takes Titan Gallow across the solar system, you may want a standardized format for these declarations. Earth only has one moon, so you're totally cool here, but orbiting Uranus you would have 27 unique moons to contend with, so the individual name would be extremely important to tell the audience where in the name of the Traveler the story is taking place. For that reason, you may find that calling celestial bodies by their name (and reference planet) will keep everything clear and universal. As an automated sort of fade-in (much like the" Captain's Log, Star date" of Star Trek), a static and clear format will make your work more persistent & believable in the long run.
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Love it can't wait to read more solid work guardian
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Would like to read more!
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That's not bad at all, good job. [i]Proud member of the group causing a sensation [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/67123219/0/0] THE GRIMGUARD[/url] .[/i]
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Edited by SKTCHWLKR: 8/14/2014 5:20:23 AMDude. You are a story teller. I think it's fantastic and look forward to seeing more!
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1 ReplyElric flies his rickety ship back in repairs. Leapt from the cockpit he landed hard. "God's damn thing wouldn't even port me." Well," the Ghost started. "Shut up. I read in another thread your my souls so talking to myself is stupid as hell." "But you are doing it no-" A glancing shot silences the Ghost. "Dear god," the Head Crewwoman claimed as she looked over the ship; "What the hell did you fight to be in such shape?" "Fight," Elric said laughing his ass off, "No fight darling. I was reading Gallow's post and ran my ship into The Traveler. if that was a fight I surely lost. HA HA HA!" Both the Ghost and the head Repairman sighed.
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1 ReplyNicely done, you write really well and you brought the characters to life brilliantly. The different Ghost personalities was a really neat touch. You asked for criticism, so I'll offer one small piece: too many sentences started with the word "the" which is a mistake easily made .. and for someone of your vocabulary, easily corrected! Keep at it.
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Not bad. You should proof it though, it can also use a bit of clean up.
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Bump!
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5 RepliesExcellent job! Speaking from the perspective of someone who adamantly reads SciFi and Fantasy novels you have a lot of talent. There is also much potential in your short, but elegant prose. I personally enjoyed it very much and can't wait for your next part! Additionally, I think you ought to work with Bungie (perhaps they can assist you with its development) and Kindle Direct Publishing from Amazon (I'm thinking they could assist you with editing, publishing, copyrighting etc.) IMHO, because I definitely think your work should be published.
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1 ReplyGreat read.....will u be playing on xb1 or ps4?
