Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach. One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father. Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him. As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama. The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!" The first kid said he wanted a helicopter. The second kid wished for some money. And the redneck asked for a wheel chair. Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family. The kid replied, "Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time." [spoiler]not mine but still funny[/spoiler]

What Do you call a cow with three legs? [spoiler]Lean Beef[/spoiler] What do you call a cow with no legs? [spoiler]Ground Beef[/spoiler] What do you call a cow with two legs? [spoiler]Your Mom[/spoiler] What do you call a cow with one leg? [spoiler]Disabled[/spoiler] Food is like dark humor [spoiler]Not everyone gets it[/spoiler] Two men walk into a bar [spoiler]The third one ducked[/spoiler] What's the difference between a Mexican and a pizza? [spoiler]A pizza can feed a family[/spoiler] What's the difference between a Jewish and a pizza? [spoiler]Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven[/spoiler] What's the difference between a Christian Boy Scout and a Jewish Boy Scout? [spoiler]Christian Boy Scouts come home from Camp [/spoiler] [spoiler]I did n@zí that coming[/spoiler] [spoiler]but it was hitlarious [/spoiler] [spoiler]Anne Frankly a bit dark[/spoiler] I hate it when old people say "you're next" at weddings [spoiler]So I started saying the same thing at funerals [/spoiler] P.S. I'm not rascist, and I only made some of them

The Kim kardashians body health.

What's Osama's favorite sports team? [spoiler]New York Jets[/spoiler] ~Thegreatskechers

One day, a man arrives in a town for the night, and decided to take a rest, then go back onto the road. Before he goes to the hotel, he sees the local bar with a sign that reads, "3 challenges for free beer!" He walks into the bar, and asks the bartender what the challenges are. "Well, the first challenge is to drink ghost pepper tequila. The next is to take the loose tooth of an alligator while it's alive. The last is to make a woman have an orgasm that never had one." The man declines, then decides to buy the shots himself. After getting drunk, he approaches the bartender and accepts the challenges. He drinks the bottle of ghost pepper tequila. In a brief time, his face is red, along with tears from the hotness of the drink. He asks where the alligator is, and the bartender points where it is. He goes outside, then the whole bar went silent. You can hear the screams of the man and the roars of the alligator. This goes on for 2 minutes. He soon comes in, blood and scratches every where on his body. Then he asks, [spoiler]"Where's the lady with the loose tooth?"[/spoiler]

Open if you dare [spoiler] A wealthy man had a little boy. For some reason, his first words were "ping pong ball". When the boy was old enough to speak, and understand birthdays and gifts and such (about three years old), he asked the boy "So son, what would you like for your birthday this year?" The boy said, "Daddy, I would like a pink ping pong ball." Father said "That's it? No trucks, no trains no puzzles?" The boy said "No, just a pink ping pong ball. So the father gets him the pink ping pong ball and wraps it up. The boy is absolutely delighted. He takes the pink ping pong ball to his room, and the pink ping pong ball is never seen again. A day before his 15th birthday, asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished. Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have five pink ping pong balls. The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is pink ping pong balls that you want, a pink ping pong balls you shall have. And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday presents five pink ping pong balls. The boy took the pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong balls were gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday. `Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a ten pack of pink ping pong balls.' The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. He said therefore, `If it is a ten pack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a ten pack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.' And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a ten pack of pink ping pong balls. The boy took the ten pack of pink ping pong balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ping pong ball remained, merely the empty husk of the ten pack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again. The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday. `Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.' The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?' `A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed. `I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.' And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls. The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared. `Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?' The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humor me, dear father.' The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. `Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.' One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humor his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home. The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left. The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong. `Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.' It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbor and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there. `Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.' That night, the son spent on board the tanker. The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy. A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital. His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?' Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one ten pack of pink ping pong balls.' The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.' `Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.' The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk. Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls. The son nodded weakly. The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room. Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls, the father requested. The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter. `I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth. `I- I-' Then he died. [/spoiler]

In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Redbull and jumped out a plane. For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.

so Richard, a cat, and an donkey with glasses are arguing. The donkey calls Richard a dick and the cat a pussy Richard calls him a smartass The cat corrects Richard by saying "Just because he has glasses doesn't mean he's a smartass. You have to at least be smart, otherwise you're just an ass" Like for more crappy jo- (gets sniped)

Life is like a box of chocolates... [spoiler]... It doesn't last as long for fat people.[/spoiler]

[quote]]░▄▀▄▀▀▀▀▄▀▄░░░░░░░░░ ░█░░░░░░░░▀▄░░░░░░▄░ █░░▀░░▀░░░░░▀▄▄░░█░█ █░▄░█▀░▄░░░░░░░▀▀░░█ █░░▀▀▀▀░░░░░░░░░░░░█ █░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█ █░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█ ░█░░▄▄░░▄▄▄▄░░▄▄░░█░ ░█░▄▀█░▄▀░░█░▄▀█░▄▀░ ░░▀░░░▀░░░░░▀░░░▀░░░Help this dog take over Bungie.net by copying and pasting this dog every where[/quote]

Mrs. Nelson was teaching her 3rd grade class about fruits and vegetables. She holds up a paper bag and says, "Now class, I have a bag of fruits and vegetables here. I will reach in, hold one, and describe it to you. Then you guess what it is!" She reaches into the bag and says, "What I'm holding is long, has a point, and is orange. What am I holding?" A few hands go up, including Little Johnny's. Little Johnny is known to have a dirty mind and frequently got in trouble, so Mrs. Nelson picked on Little Billy, who said it was a carrot. Mrs. Nelson, after placing the carrot on the table, takes hold of another item in her bag. "I'm holding something that is thick, has a rounded base, and is full of seeds." A couple hands go up, including Little Johnny's. He's waving his hand to get her attention. Mrs. Nelson picks Little Susy, who correctly guesses it's a squash. Placing the squash next to the carrot, Mrs. Nelson puts her hand back into the bag. "This one is round, has an indent, and has little hairs all over it." Only two hands go up, including Little Johnny's. He is practically falling out of his chair trying to get picked. Mrs. Nelson picks on Little Jerry, and he says it's a peach. Frustrated, Little Johnny stands up and says, "Mrs. Nelson, I want you to guess what I'm about to grab!" He thrusts his hand into his pocket and says, "It's hard has a head, and has ridges. What am I holding?" Mrs. Nelson gasped. "Little Johnny! Principal's office, now!" As he's walking out of the classroom door, he pulls a quarter out of his pocket and tosses it at her.

I got laid while camping. It was fukcing in-tents!

Here's my joke [spoiler]#blacklifesmatter[/spoiler] [spoiler]Im not a racist but I'm making fun of the hashtag because it's so misused.[/spoiler]

The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal bodeboop. A sing lap should be completed every time you hear this sound. ding Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark. Get ready!… Start. ding

Two men walk into a bar. The first man says to the barman "Il have some h2o". The second man says "Il have some h2o 2" [spoiler]The second man dies[/spoiler]

If I had sex with a prostitute while she was sleeping is that r[b]a[/b]pe or shoplifting? [spoiler]the world may never know[/spoiler]

How do you get a black man off a tree? [spoiler]You cut the rope[/spoiler] Why do the Japanese have squinty eyes? [spoiler]atomic bombs are bright[/spoiler] What do you call an angry white person? [spoiler]A saltine cracker[/spoiler] I tried to paint my computer black to make it run faster[spoiler]it stopped working[/spoiler] A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, "what a beautiful thing you have there, where did you get it?" said the bartender[spoiler]Africa, said the parrot[/spoiler] [spoiler]vegens[/spoiler] Yo mammas so broke [spoiler]she goes to kfc to lick peoples fingers[/spoiler] How do find illegal immigrants? [spoiler]turn on police sirens and see which one runs the fastest[/spoiler]

Little Johnny and his Grandpa were fishing on a small boat in the middle of the lake. It was a rather dull day with no bites, and Grandpa was starting to get a little bored. He pulled out a beer from the cooler. "Grandpa," Little Johnny said. "Can I have a beer?" "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" Grandpa asked. "No..." Little Johnny responded. "Then no, you can't." Grandpa popped the tab and drank his beer. A half hour later, Grandpa pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. "Granpda," inquired Little Johnny. "Can I have a cigarette?" "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" Grandpa asked. "No..." Little Johnny said, dejected. "Then no, you can't have one." He lit his cigarette. Suddenly, Little Johnny's reel started to bend at an extreme angle. Little Johnny managed to fight back and pull a massive fish on to the boat. Grandpa was stunned. As they approached the dock, Grandpa noticed his buddies waiting for them. "Little Johnny," Grandpa said. "Mind if I take credit for that fish?" "I don't know Grandpa, is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" "Why yes, yes it is." Grandpa grinned. "Great! Then you can go -blam!- yourself!"

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?[spoiler]Aye matey[/spoiler]