Beards don't make a man. Back in a day, a beard and a flannel shirt would tell the world: "This is the apex of masculinity." Now, a beard and a flannel shirt says: "This is a twat who spends $28 for a glass of craft beer and has a vintage record collection, but can't even change his own oil." A beard now says: "Are these muffins gluten-free?" A beard is for the guy who loudly whines about a restaurant not having any vegan alternatives to ranch dressing. The internet and candy-asses have ruined our precious beards.