Again, my friend, there is no external solution to the problem of insecurity. Real life doesn't have to be boring. It doesn't have to be a grind. You don't have to find joy only insofar as what get's you to escape from reality. Attaining a positive is not the same as avoiding a negative. I'm not saying this to be a finger wagging internet know it all or to impress anyone, but I see what you're saying underneath it all. Anyways, hope I sparked some introspection. You are a good writer, which I'm sure you worked hard at. Take care :D