I sexually Identify as a Porch. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of having lawn furniture lying on top of me. People say to me that a person being a porch is Impossible and I’m retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a carpenter install wooden flooring, lawn chairs, and tables on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Porchy” and respect my right to let people stand on me and place packages. If you can’t accept me you’re a porchiphobe and need to check your porch privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.