[i]Yes, I know. I said I was done. But this story needed writing. After two stories of doom and gloom, we needed some comedy to return to the series. And after a Christmas full of rage and a New Year that brings hope, resentment, division, and uncertainty... we needed a good laugh, I think. This story is different from my others, in that it has some cinematic components. Clicking on the link will get you there. Read the story to the link before clicking on it...[/I] [u]KINDERGUARDIANS: TRASHING EVERVERSE[/u] A Fanfiction With Visual Aids DRAMATIS PERSONAE MR. ODDISH, 247. Sentinel Titan. Long blond hair with blue streaks, blue eyes. Primary kinderguardian teacher for the Vanguard. Has a Ghost named SIGMUND, male persona. DAVID, 9. Dawnblade Warlock. Auburn hair, hazel eyes, quite a suntan from spending lots of time outdoors, and a sizable scar on his cheek. Despite his age, the least experienced kinder in the class. Has a Ghost named DEVRIM, named after the sniper who mentored him during the Red War. PETRA, 8. Striker Titan. Very long blond hair, usually worn in twin ponytails, big brown eyes, insanely cute. Primary kinderguardian, and also Mr. Oddish's daughter. Has a Ghost named BELLE, female persona (and Emma Watson's voice), yellow princess shell. She also has a companion wolf named GROWLER. RICARDO, 7. Gunslinger Hunter. Shoulder length dark hair, dark eyes, Hispanic appearance. Youngest primary kinderguardian. Has a Ghost named SPARKS, male persona. OTHER ASSORTED GUARDIANS AND TOWER CHARACTERS. The following takes place at the end of the Red War. It can be assumed that several months have passed since the Cabal invasion, and the events of "Cold and Dead". It is the first Dawning since the reawakening of the Traveler. It is a time for remembrence. A time for thoughtfulness. A time for being quiet and solemn. ODDISH & KINDERGUARDIANS (singing as they enter the new Tower for the first time): [i]"Great green gobs of greasy grimy Ghaul-y guts, Mutilated Ogre meat, dirty little Fallen feet, All mixed up with liquefied legionnaire, You can eat it with a spoon!"[/i] Or... maybe not. They are a happy, triumphant procession, up the stairs and seeing their new base of operations for the first time. Mr. Oddish leads the way, carrying Petra on his shoulders. Scar-faced Dawnblade David is next, and pint-sized Ricardo follows, juggling a pair of throwing knives. Their Ghosts float alongside them. Growler, Petra's intrepid lupine companion, brings up the rear. ODDISH: "OK, you guys, we're here. I think our new classroom's over in the bazaar area, right near the New Monarchy kiosk." DAVID: "I wish Marshall was still with us." ODDISH: "I know, but Marshall and Gloria are both intermediate kinderguardians now." DAVID: "What're we going to study in class?" ODDISH: "You know, I'm not sure. Seems silly, teaching you guys to shoot guns at padded targets, when you've been firing at live targets the past few months." DAVID: "Targets that shoot back." PETRA: "You could teach us how to use swords and rocket launchers." ODDISH: "I've heard enough explosions these last few months. I'm very glad that we're up here in the new tower, and we won't have to hear anything getting blown u..." [i]PFOOOOOOOMM!!! [/i] Something blows up just a few dozen yards from them. They, and many other Guardians as well, drop to the floor. Mr. Oddish pulls his weapon; the kids weren't armed or armored. They weren't expecting to need to be. DAVID: "What happened? The Cabal again?" ODDISH: "No, they've been on the ropes for months. And the Fallen have pulled back to the EDZ, so it's not them, either." RICARDO: "Look!" (points) A kiosk in the central area has smoke pouring from it. Several Guardians are surrounding one, weapons raised. The threatened Guardian has his hands up, and a smoking rocket launcher at his feet. Mr. Oddish hustles over, followed by his students. Zavala also approaches. MAD BOMBER: "Relax, all of you. I dropped it, see?" ZAVALA: "What happened?" ANOTHER GUARDIAN: "He just blew up the Eververse kiosk." ZAVALA: "What?! Why the hell would you do that?!" MAD BOMBER: "I paid that cow 4,700 pieces of silver, and all I got was a bunch of shaders, five pieces of leg armor, and two copies of a sparrow I already had. What would you expect me to do?" ZAVALA: "I see... is Tess's Ghost here?"' TESS EVERIS'S GHOST: "Yes, I'm here, but this... he used a Gjallarhorn on her. A GJALLARHORN!! What kind of a sick prick uses a Gjallarhorn to..." ODDISH: "I thought all the Gjallarhorns were gone. The invasion..." MAD BOMBER: "I had this one on my ship. I think it's the last one left." ZAVALA: "Can you put her back together?" TESS'S GHOST: "Those wolfpack rounds scattered bits of her all over the city! It's going to take me hours to find them all!" ZAVALA: "Then you'd better get started." (Tess's Ghost floats off in a huff) "Guardian Biggles, escort our friend to the brig. I'll deal with him later." Guardian Biggles nods assent and escorts the Mad Gjallie-Bomber away. ODDISH: "And I'll...uh, take care of his Gjallarhorn, since it's the last one left in the city and all." ZAVALA: "Like hell you will, Guardian." (he grabs the Gjallarhorn for himself) "This is a problem. We can't have Eververse offline for hours on end." ODDISH: "Why not? That place was the biggest waste of time and resources since the Crucible opened. I say we close it forever and replace it with... I don't know, an ice cream parlor or something." RICARDO: "Yay! Ice cream!" DAVID: "Or a pizza place? That would be awesome." ODDISH: "Yeah, no surprise there, small one. Ever since you came to the Last City and discovered pizza, your mom's been at her wit's end trying to get enough of it for you." ZAVALA: "Be serious, Mr. Oddish. We can't shutter Eververse." ODDISH: "Sure we can." ZAVALA: "No, we can't. Bungie has a contract with Activision requiring that Eververse operate continuously." ODDISH: "Who's Buttcheek, what's a Crack-ti-vision, and why should I care?" ZAVALA: "It's a fourth wall matter, above your pay-grade. Look, Eververse has to operate." ODDISH: "That's a load of crap, even for a blue-headed bald nob like you." ZAVALA (dangerously quiet): "WHAT did you just call me?" SIGMUND: "You stepped in it now, Guardian." ODDISH: "Oh, crap. Don't tell me, let me guess, you're offended at my anti-Awoken slur and you're sending me to Guardian Sensitivity Training." SIGMUND: "For the third time." ZAVALA: "Maybe later. Right now... right now, you are going to take Tess's place." ODDISH: "What?!" ZAVALA: "You are going to run the Eververse kiosk. Now get over there!" ODDISH: "What about my kids? Do they go with the intermediates?" ZAVALA: "No, they're training in the Crucible, and there's no time to summon a substitute teacher. Your students will have to work the stand with you." ODDISH: "Fine, whatever. Come on, guys, do as he says." They head over to the Eververse kiosk, enter it. ODDISH: "OK... is there any manual here? How to run Eververse, something like that? I mean, I never shop here, so I don't really know what to do." DAVID: "What are we even selling, anyway?" PETRA: "Can we sell guns?" ODDISH: "Uh... no, sweetie. Mr. Banshee sells guns. Eververse sells sparrows and ships and Ghost shells. Sometimes they have special armor." BELLE (Petra's Ghost): "Hmph. I already have the perfect Ghost shell." ODDISH: "That you do, little light." As they're talking, a Titan in Iron Banner armor approaches the kiosk. TITAN: "Could I get three Dawning engrams, plea... hey, where's Tess?" ODDISH: "Here and there. What do you need Dawning engrams for?" TITAN: "I really want that exotic sparrow, but I used up all my bright dust." ODDISH: "Why don't you just... never mind. This place makes no sense. Let's see, three bright engrams... that'll be... I guess 5,000 glimmer sounds fair." TITAN: "WHAT?! You can't do that." ODDISH: "Fine, 4,500. But only because you're my first custo..." TITAN: "No, you idiot! You can't sell stuff for glimmer at Eververse. It's the primary rule." Oddish looks around. Sure enough, there's a sign on the wall, printed in foot high red block letters: [b]WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SELL STUFF FOR GLIMMER![/b] ODDISH: "Oh. Damn. What do I charge?" TITAN: "Silver. You charge for silver." ODDISH: "OK... where does a person get silver." TITAN: "Uhhh... I don't know. It just, like, appears in your inventory." ODDISH: "Then how come it never appeared in my inventory?" TITAN: "Maybe it's a blessing from the Traveler. Maybe you didn't get any because you weren't a good enough Guardian." ODDISH: "..." [i]To be continued in this post, scroll down.[/i]