What do you call a 4 foot psychic that just broke out of prison? A small medium at large I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me. The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran. My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve. I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother called to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside of the box. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-Flat-Miner. There is a sign at the drug rehab center that says 'keep off the grass' I saw a movie about beavers last night. It was the best dam movie I've ever seen. When the cannibal showed up late to dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. There was a butcher that accidentally backed into his meat grinder. He ended up getting a little behind in his work. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'. Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. War isn't fighting about who's right. It's about who's left. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. I knew a woman who owned a taser, and man was she stunning! What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways! I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Jokes about German Sausage are the wurst. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro is such a ripoff. A cartoonist was found dead in his room last night. Details are sketchy.. There was an earthquake in Washington today, it's obviously the governments fault. A backwards poet writes inverse. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says; "Hey! We don't want your type here!" A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?” Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.