This is a short story (beginning of it) please leave comments saying if it needs improvement or good, anything helps:) thanks:)
The Old Russia Attack
Edward loaded his Assault riffle and clipped his Piston to his Sidearm, he attached his Knife to his Chestplate and Put his Cloak on. Today was going to be a long day so wanted to get it all done fast. His Fireteam, consisting of a Titan, warlock, and him. A hunter. Had a couple thing they had to do over a couple days. They were the best at what they do, and love to do what they do. Their Guardians of the Last City, The City that was built When the Golden Age of The Humans ended, 700 Years ago. They had to Travel outside of the Great Wall, that The Titans built to keep them all safe, from everything Alien, Not Human. He Walked out of His Assigned Room. He was still a young Hunter and his family was Killed by the Cabel when we was 12. As he left the Military outpost on the outskirts of the City, he stopped by the Armory and picked up a Sniper, he had to Keep the Sniper on his Back and his Assault rifle on his left leg, with the Pistol on his right leg, he also grabbed a few extra rounds and Grenades. He met up with His fireteam, William and John, by the Long road leading to the great door to exit the Last city, but they didn't use that door, not will they ever, they took a right and Went to the Launch Bay for their Starships, his equipped with 2 mini Guns on the side and one Missile in the center of the gun, with Red and white Strips, the same as Edwards. They all got in their separate starships and took off. They were heading to Old Russia, to take out the Cabel Stationed there. They were 10 miles away when the Cabel Anti-Air gun opened fire upon their Starships. Their warlocks ship was hit and he jumped out as he set the auto-pilot to evade as exit the area. He jumped out and made he decent slower, John was still 150 feet in the air but he was descending faster and faster. Hitting the ground taking down his shields he ducked under a nearby bolder, William and Me, brought our Starships closer to the Ground and Engaged out Auto-pilots they were successfully not shot down or damaged, we landed half a mile from John and We sprinted Down the Jungly area, there were Cabel all around us. As we ran they spotted us, we knew we couldn't go to John with Cabel on our trail. So we turned and ducked down, I deployed my sniper and William brought out his Heavy Support weapon, he set it up on a nearby fallen tree and I set mine up under a boulder, the ground under it was torn so I had a vantage point, I was higher up than William do I began sniping and taking out the Cabel one by one, I shot them in the chest bursting his heart and he bled out then another, I shot one of their speeders, it blew up by five Cabal infantry men, somehow they flanked us from behind and tried to stab me with one of their Swords-Men, I luckily dogged it and rolled from the Cabel, down a hill area, I pulled out my piston and called upon the travelers Ability to get a one shot kill for a short amount of time, I killed the Swords-Men by a headshot, blowing his Skull to pieces, then a Cabel infantry man as I was running up with hill sprinted of the side jumping on me, It quickly knocked away my pistol, I grab my knife strapped to my Chestplate, and stabbed it in the head, instantly killing it. As I regained balance and shook away the dizziness, I radioed for William and John, William quickly answer and asked where I was located, he was hiding along the trees, their were Cabel reinforcements going to their base and we happened to run into them. Old Russia was occupied by the Cabel. It was in ruins from the Downfall of the Golden Age, and barley habitable, but they made it work. John was not answering his Radio. After I met up with William in the area the first contact with the Cabel was, we sprinted towards Johns location, luckily his tracker in his helmet, still was operational. We found him still in the Location he fell in. Under the boulder, untouched by the Cabel. He was out cold tho. Knocked out from something. Maybe the fall, or excessive use of the travelers power and he drained all his energy. I took a White-Calateral pill from my pouch strapped onto my left leg, and noticed my piston wasn't their, I must have forgotten it, to late to go back and get it now tho. I woke John up, his shields were still down but they began to recharge little by little. We began our route to Old Russia but didn't travel anywhere near to the main road. He walked west for a mile, then went north, heading to Old Russia. It was a Days journey since we Starships went off course. We set up camp, in a cave. There weren't any disturbances until morning, we found a civilian camp 7 miles from Old Russia, they were all Slaughtered, some torn in two, other missing limps, John threw up and needed time to cool off, he hated the Cabel. Just as Me and William did, but way more. We Looted the bodies and it found a Revolver to replace my lost Pistol, luckily the same bullets were used for my old pistol, I cleaned it off, and we set off. As we neared Old Russia we picked up Radio-Active levels of extensive warfare over the 700 Years since the Golden Age fell, their was still remains of it. We had our Body armor to protect us from it tho. I have no clue how the Cabel survive here. We went in through the west entrance, circling around. We entered only to find ruins of buildings, sky scrapers, shops, you name it. It was all in Old Russia, before the downfall this was a booming economy place, the trading hub of the world. We had to get to the center of the City, so we used to subway, it stretches all over the city, we had to set up camp again in a ten by ten room with one door so no Cabel could get in. When morning came we were all rested and ready for the trip to the center of the City, we walked for miles, then finally the subway stopped going an we climbed out, their were Cabel heading their way, tanks, speeders, and a army of Cabel snipers, swords-men, and infantry-men, we sprinted to a nearby building and his until they past, I equipped my silencer to the end of my sniper, I took out 3 Loner Cabel, we Grabbed them and dragged them to the building we were in, we found their Base camp, a mile by mile radious, very big for Cabel Camp. We hid them, we couldn't be at risk of being found. Not this early into our Mission. William who was armed with a HMG, assault riffle, and a Pistol, also a knife strapped to his right leg with C-4 In his backpack, along with grenades, he was painted Green, solid green, with a Black Visor, John was Pointed Tan and black, with a Black Visor, I was painted Red and white, with a Red Visor and a White cloak. John has two identical Smg's, along with a knife, strapped to his waist, and a revolver. Along with landmines in his backpack, and grenades. I had grenades and a targeting and vision enhanced helmet, I had a upgraded helmet because I couldn't stand the standard one. We traveled in the dark of night to their camp. We slept 4 hours and woke up,to a large drilling sound. Had we stumbled upon something more than just a Camp? We sprinted across the road unseen, then to a abandoned building, as we entered we were engaged by enemies all around u on our mini-map. I set up my sniper and William set up his HMG, John converted the doors with his Smg's.
Their is still more, this is all I have written. :) thanks for reading:)
English
#Destiny
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Edited by Gråvargen: 12/5/2013 9:15:24 PMNo! (Accidently voted: OK)
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Don't be discouraged, but that was awful. -grammatical errors abound -improper use or lack of commas -you change voices irregularly -no structure -thin vocabulary -sounds like it was written by an 8 year old *a pistol is a sidearm Don't let the haters get you down, just work on being a better writer.
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Edited by Cypher Alpha: 12/5/2013 12:59:58 PMThat was terrible. No offense intended, of course. Just being honest, not mean. The story was extremely disjointed, messy and confusing, with lots of grammatical and spelling mistakes. Halfway through, the story made a sudden switch from the 3rd-person to the 1st-person. Instead of saying "Edward", "He", "His", it became "I", "Me", "My, and "We". Strange... Not a wide range of vocabulary either. Don't be discouraged by what I said though. Keep on reading and writing [u]Bodie[/u], you'll get better. :)
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Jesus mate learn how to paragraph.
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It's cabal not cabel
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1 ReplyI haven't finished reading yet, but I promise I will. My criticism so far is: you should touch up on the errors in grammar and try to organize the information into paragraphs. As far as the story goes, it's very enjoyable and I like how you use a lot of descriptive detail, but you could cut down on that just a bit. And one more thing, the Fallen inhabit Old Russia not the Cabal.
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Not a bad first try. Don't let negativity get you down, practice makes perfect......kinda. Keep up the effort, it will pay off in the end.
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Not to be a pretentious jerk, but my first constructive criticism is your paragraph structure. There isn't one. Paragraphs help organize the action and control the speed and flow of the reader. Fix it up and I'll read through it.
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1 ReplyAs a fellow writer, I would encourage you to work on your grammar. Next, try to be descriptive about environments, character emotions, and items the character interacts with. Not so much their actions, randomly. Overall, just keep writing and you'll become better over time. Keep it up. Oh, one more thing... this forum is infested with trolls. You may want to join a group, or find another forum to write in, for fear of spiteful remarks.
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This is bigger then the wall at China.
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[i] [/i]
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6 RepliesWork on your grammar and make sure that they are complete sentences. PS; Either capitalize every word or only the first word of a sentence. It makes my OCD go crazy if you don't.
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1 ReplyI said terrible just cause of the grammatical errors, other than that it's very good!
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1 ReplyHow to grammar?
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I like your imagination, keep working on it.
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3 RepliesWow, Did Bungie ban you from Bungie.Net for making them look bad?
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5 RepliesEdited by ScottOnSheppey: 12/4/2013 11:45:12 PM[quote][u]The Old Russia Attack[/u] Edward the Hunter, loaded a fresh magazine to his Assault riffle. Attached his Piston to his Sidearm, his Knife to his Chestplate. And finally, he places his Cloak on top, to cover his gear. Today was going to be a long day.[/quote] Something along these lines is what I would put, but its down to personal writing styles.
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2 RepliesGreat idea But... The grammar needs improving alot, and wasn't really gripping enough because if this. I skim read this because it was that bad. Sorry but you asked.