Ever since my horrible creation, the Gods Mistake Cocoa, I’ve been exploring and experimenting in the wondrous (and hazardous) world of hot cocoas. I’ve read other recipes, made my own recipes, and even called upon my old pal from the afterlife, Coenraad Van Houten, to gimme some tips. Unfortunately I don’t speak Dutch and he still thinks I invited him over to play checkers, so that didn’t quite work out. Anyways tonight I’ve made a breakthrough. Having recently restocked my freezer with my favorite frozen treat, (no, not ears) I ventured into the kitchen to scoop myself a sizable bowl of chocolate ice cream. This was when my unholy powers of dangerous creativity hit. Uno: Make some hot cocoa. If you use a goddamn packet for this step, you’re dead to me. 2: Make your cocoa as hot as possible. The second it starts to expand and boil, yank it off the stove with full force and make sure to splash some on your feet. Your socks must be thick enough to keep you from getting a 3rd degree burn, but thin enough to let you feel the pain of one. 3th: Fill your mug (or keg) about halfway with your cocoa. 3th (part B) Shovel in about 2 scoops of ice cream. You can use chocolate or vanilla but those who choose vanilla are the worst fckin people on this godforsaken planet so choose chocolate. 7. Speed. Once your frozen cow juice hits the cocoa it will begin to melt, and the cocoa will begin to cool. The topping and eating process must be done at the speed of sound so as to enjoy your Oxymoron Cocoa Shake with just the right amount of hot and cold. 18nd: After snapping up your sonic onesie, add first your marshmallows and second your Cool Whip. I’ve found that Cool Whip melts much slower than whipped cream from a can, so crack out the catapults and throw some tubbed whipped-cream-related-substance on your creation. 5) Annihilate your small intestine by devouring your Oxymoron Cocoa Shake. Eat it fast, while it’s still hot/cold 67: and as always, hate yourself.