Alright noobs, buckle up because you're about to get a knowledge bomb dropped so hard on you it's gonna make Hiroshima seem like one of those wannabe M-80s your weird uncle promised to give you right before your parents cut contact with him because he made people "uncomfortable" at children's parties. All of these tips and tricks I'm about to reveal to you are 100% proven. Tested and retested. The only people who are going to argue on the beasts who teabag every kill that their teammates get, even though it's completely undeserved and they are at the bottom of the leaderboard with a <0.2. Now let's get to it. First step. Equip mida multi tool. If you don't have one, don't bother reading any further. In fact, go ahead and give your parents a call. Let them know your 3rd grade art teacher was right- you never will amount to anything, despite how hard you worked on that macaroni owl that ended up looking like a dolphin trying to force a 3-way with what looked like lizards and ultimately resulted in a 2 week suspension. Now assuming you made it passed step one, congratulations. You are now officially the second worst player in the destiny franchise. Let's get your subclass figured out. I already figured it out. Stormcaller. Why a stormcaller? Is it because it sounds badass? Because you get to call that chick storm from x-men? No, we are picking it because you need all the help you can get. Healing rift? Throw that bastard down every single chance you get. Make sure to put it in a tight corridor that leaves anyone standing in it a bullet sponge for the hellstorm of enemy fire coming your way. Teammate in front of you? Block him off and make escape impossible. Remember- the lower kd you can force on your teammates means you have a better chance of being higher on the leaderboard. Now in the extremely rare event you get your supercharge, one of two things happened. You farmed your teammates and were able to scrap some kills together and charge that yellow bar with less than 30 seconds in the game left, or, more likely, the clock on the match broke and your 28 minutes into the game. Now anyone who uses any of these other subclasses- nightstalker, dawnblade, sentinel- whatever it is, these players have something you don't:[i][b]skill[/b][/i]. That's why stormcaller was made. What could possibly be a better way to end someone's kill streak then floating around with an ability that literally only requires you to hold the right trigger down and get close to someone? Nothing. That's what. Time to assemble the team. By now you've figured out nobody wants to play with you, because you're an absolute hindrance to any team you can get put on, so replying to LFG posts is out of the question. That 0.21 KA/D isn't going to win any friends so we need to figure a way around it. How to make an LFG post. Rule number one: [i][b]lie[/b][/i]. Your biggest downfall will be letting them know the truth- you play pvp worse than any human being alive and you have the reaction time of Stephen hawking. Make your post along the lines of "need 3 2.5+ kd for trails." Proper spelling? No one has time for that. Also make sure to add in "will be checking stats" to immediately put any interested players on the defense. You need them to think you mean business. But don't worry, if they flip it on you and call you out on your bullsh*t, tell them you're doing an "account recovery" and pick a random player off the top 100 leaderboards and claim to be them. So what if you just falsely admitted to breaching Microsoft and bungie's terms of service? You've never heard of anyone getting banned and what is this nerd gonna do? Tell on you? If all else fails, start making outrageous requests that have nothing to do with the current activity you're going into. Trying to play some supremacy? Well you damn well better have completed last weeks nightfall with at LEAST 6 minutes to spare. Works 100% of the time. If by some miracle you've found a team, you're on your way to success. Load up that competitive playlist and get ready to sweat more than that guy who sits outside the playground exactly 500 feet away during recess. If you are forced to make small talk in the interim, describe how good you are at this game. Tell them you only use traktor cannon because what's better than a shotgun that pushes enemies even farther away when you tank the first shot. Once your in, NEVER run anywhere first. Always let your teammates turn corners and land a few shots before they die, and try your best to wrap the corner and clean up their kills. If they are peeking corners, block them from retreating to cover. Each time your teammate dies, it benefits you. At this point, winning the game is arbitrary. Only two things matter. Your fake kd and impressing the players in your fire team that have ominous usernames along the lines of "xXHotForBoys219Xx" In any gunfire exchange, being outplayed is NEVER an option. If you die, 100% of the time it is due to lag. And if you don't yell out in disgust about how sh*t destiny servers are because "that guy's shots went through walls", your team will grow suspicious of your true skill level. Another effective tactic is to immediately shift the blame of your death onto an unsuspecting teammate. Pick the quietest one. They are the least likely to respond, because last week their mom told them if she heard them yell the N word over the microphone one more time, she would send them off to boarding school like their stepdad Terry has been trying to do since he met their mom from an ad on Craig's list selling used towels. Now more often then not, the charade will be hard to maintain. Your true colors will show. At any given moment when you are dying so much that it may cause irreparable damage to your kd, [u]quit the game.[/u] Abandonment is an extremely effective strategy to salvage sure loss to the ego, the only downside is you have to restart at step one and build your way back up to do it again. The final step is simple- log onto the bungie forums and start complaining. This somehow makes you better at pvp. You were getting team shotted by MIDA? You are required to make a post demanding the nerf of the weapon, even though it's the only one you have any basic knowledge of after nearly 3 years of playing the game. Make sure to pick any given point in destiny's past and reference that as "when the game was good" and "before bungie ruined it." Everyone on the forums highly respects you, and bungie will take your input extremely seriously, as you are the most highly valued customer they've ever bestowed their eyes upon. After a long day of holding right trigger, sacrificing teammates, quitting games, and telling game developers how to do their jobs, you can lay your head to rest, knowing the process begins fresh tomorrow. Your GED paperwork still might go undone, and living with mom for the rest of your life seems like a breeze, and you will find peace in the fact that, let's face it, you are a crucible god. [i]~TheGreatBraveHarambe[/i]