Talk to the Speaker (like a boss) Approve gun shipments (like a boss) Lead a raid (like a boss) Remember strats (like a boss) Direct noobs (like a boss) My own lair (like a boss) Micro-transactions (like a boss) Promote the Vanguard (like a boss) Hit on Petra (like a boss) Get rejected (like a boss) Swallow sadness (like a boss) Send some ether seed so (like a boss) Call Mara (like a boss) Cry deeply (like a boss) Demand some booty (like a boss) Eat a bagel (like a boss) Harass Eris (like a boss) No booty (like a boss) 3 of coins (like a boss) Shit on Petra's bounty board (like a boss) Buy 1000 yard stare (like a boss) In my mouth (like a boss) Oh -blam!- man, I can't -blam!-ing do it, shit! Pussy out (like a boss) Puke on Petra's bounty board (like a boss) Jump off the tower (like a boss) Suck the cryptarch's dick (like a boss) Score some engrams (like a boss) Crash my sparrow (like a boss) Suck my own dick (like a boss) Eat some dreg strips (like a boss) Chop my cabals off (like a boss) Black out in Old Russia (like a boss) Meet Rasputin (like a boss) -blam!- his plugs out (like a boss) Turn into a ketch (like a boss) Bomb the Fallen (like a boss) Crash into the Sun (like a boss) Now I'm Flawless (at Trials)

I'd -blam!- Eris...

Here we go... If I was my Warlock, I would. Poke the Speaker for no obvious reason. Touch Shaxx's head. High five, high five EVERYTHING. Throw my head back and laugh at a Huntard--I mean Hunter for no obvious reason, once again. Complain to the Speaker that we need a library. Ask Xur if his back hurts from all that crouching. Ask Saladin how old he is. Eat food. Cuddle my Ghost. Check out the jeans under my complimentary bathrobe/robe. ^ See if I look spiffy in them with T-Shirt on. Laugh at a Titan from afar because they're slow and I could run away at an early point. Say I have a secret to tell the Speaker, and then when he asks what it is, I'd say "I [u]could[/u] tell you...". Probably not actually go fight the Darkness because I have too much to live for...like handling my taxes. Try out some new Bonds, then complain about how dull they look. Complain, in general. Take Cayde out on a adventure, since he's begging about it so much. (Once again, I can't actually go fight the Darkness, so we'd probably just have a hardcore Checkers tournament.) Ask Shaxx why he's so inhumanely large. Ask Shaxx a lot of questions in general, like favorite food, favorite color, etc. Stick my face into Xur's just so I could see if those were tentacles. Tell Ikora to REWARD ME WITH GOODIES THIS TIME. Scare the Speaker into fainting or into having a heart attack just to watch his Ghost revive him, and then get banned from the observatory. Scare Shaxx to see if he screams like a girl, but I'd probably get punched out of reflex. Sit down and eat a baloney sandwich. Ask the Speaker why isn't there a Subway restaurant in the Tower, or a McDonald's for that matter. Because I actually want a quality baloney sandwich, but I also want an occasional burger. Scratch that McDonald's, I'd end up like the Cabal in under a week. 800 pounds and highly militarized. Tell the Future War Cult Leader that we need a slogan. "Come to the FWC, we have KFC." Boogie. Try to fit shades over my helmet, so if I ever defeat the Darkness, I can put my shades on while a fiery explosion goes off behind me. Go into the Crucible. ^ See a Sunbreaker Titan activate their super. ^ I say "STOP" as they're about to throw a flaming hammer at me. ^ They say "What?". ^ I say "CAN'T TOUCH THIS--", and die in the process from a hammer coming my way. Never pay for my electricity bill ever again. Who needs [i]that[/i] when you're a Stormcaller? Give Variks oil for his artificial arms, complain that they squeak too much. Dance in front of Brother Vance, because he's blind and can't see me. I'm awful. Try to flip a dagger like Petra Venj. Stab myself in the process. Wear a bow tie over my robe. Bow ties are cool. Try to see what Ether tastes like. ^ Get desperate for my daily fix of Ether. ^ Become a junkie. Sing "IIIIIIII WANT CANDY" during the Festival of the Lost, while I be collecting candy.

I would Go to the black garden and Grow some nice Vegetables... I'm not kidding I'de live in the black garden

Find Peter Dinklage and stuff him in a ghost.

Yeah I'd find the queens dead body and destroy it [spoiler]with ma dick [/spoiler]

OH YEEAAHHH!!

If you like piña skolatas, and getting shot in the rain. If you're not into Crota, if you have all his bane. If you like farming engrams at midnight, in the dunes of Mars. I'm the Guardian that you've looked for, write to me and let's raid.

First thing, go down the pit, summon Crota, and tell him: You can go fûck yourself.

Join the darkness kill the darkness from with in Destroy the tower when xur is there and finally lead an assult of true dead orbiters to take that bowling ball out the sky Planet earth is saved for one more day

Kill Xur for selling Zhalo the kill the speaker