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Edited by SillyLilMahl:
3/9/2020 10:13:10 PM
12
A Hunter’s Vengeance
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/254814008?sort=0&page=0]Gambler’s Palm[/url]
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[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/255114053?sort=0&page=0]Master Post[/url]
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“Boy oh boy do I have a story for you, my friend.”
”Where are you going? No, wait. Listen.”
“So, once I made it to the Tower, I started to live amongst the other Hunters that lived there. I made outposts on worlds that were hidden and were connected by transmat pads.
I was living the dream, until Tevis died. You see Tevis was legend amongst Hunters, he was a Nightstalker, he had the rare ability to use the Void. When Cayde told me the news, I immediately went to the last know location, Venus, made my way to the endless steps. All I found was his ghost, the ghost had a message from Tevis, the message was being broadcasted from the Black Garden.
I flew off to Mars as fast as I could, I made sure to fuse the Gate Lord’s Eye into my ship’s navigation system. That was what allowed my to easily access the Garden without needing to land on Mars and go from there. I landed close enough to the initial entryway that I had first used to enter the Garden.
When we breached the confines of Time and space we were greeted by a sick, dark sky, one mixed with orange clouds. Bolts of red thunder streaked across the sky. One of them hit our shuttle and we crashed in a nearby grove of red roses. “Every Rose has its Thorn” I said, eying the flames of Void light that were set loose upon the Vex.
“Tevis must be here” I told myself. The Eclipse left us stranded in the Garden. “We are stranded here, it’s over.” My ghost said. “No, it’s not over, not yet” I found him.
When I found him, I wept, yet this was not the time for mourning, this was where this log got its name. This is where I became a Nightstalker. I picked up the remnants of his Void light. The fragments echoed with the silent songs of days past, of Journeys by others who wielded the Void.
The Vex were not too kind at my intrusion. I felt strong, I felt empowered, The moment I drew the bow legions of Vex fell. The Vex of the Sol Divisive sent all of their patrols at me, all of the useless and defective ones that is. When all was said and done I built Tevis a shrine in the Tower, a shrine, the location of which only I know.
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[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/254921278?sort=0&page=0]At Journey’s End[/url]
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6 RepliesMuch better and it makes alot more sense, while still dark and stirring. You and I both need to learn how to better explain the world of our stories so that the reader can form a clear image of what's happening. Like so, [quote]I landed in the garden, the dull green sky giving the red flowers that grew there a sickly orange tint. As I examined my surroundings I noticed trails of dead Vex, the glow of the void light that had been their end still burning. "Tevis must be close," my ghost said, looking left and right at the ancient stone that made up the garden. "TEVIS!" I screamed, racing to his side. A single hole burned in his armor. The final blow. "Guardian, the void still burns. Do you feel it?" The ghost said, it's shell twisting nervously. "I-Yes ghost," the Guardian whisperd, he looked at the limp body before him and saw the lights power fading. The hunter leaned over and grasped the last of Tevis's light, the anger the Guardian felt pulsing through him like ice in his veins. With one last grimace at the dead scout the hunter focused his new found powers drawing the shadow shot. He looked around, the dark glow of red eyes surrounding him and he drew upon the light again. A sick grin playing across his metal face...[/quote] [spoiler]sorry I started and couldn't stop, but I hope you get the picture.[/spoiler]
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Friendly advise, I recommend staying away from this type of story, killing Zavala and Rahool while satisfying is not great for a developing story.
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6 RepliesDunno why this inspired me to write as much as it did but you've my strange thanks; I haven't written anything in years now.
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Hunter's have vengeance? HAHAHAHAHA! Cute!
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3 RepliesI don’t usually critique peoples writing but I have to on this one. To start, you’ve made the immediate mistake of creating a wall of text; Structure is the first thing people will notice when they look at your writing..and if they see a large block of words, they are immediately turned off. Secondly, while I can see the angle you’re going for, you need to ease up on the “I did this, I did that” aspect. After introducing yourself to the reader from a first person perspective, trust in their ability to know that the rest of your writing is presented in that perspective, you only need to reiterate this fact a few times throughout your story to maintain the first person feel. Lastly, you have made the flow of the plot [u]FAR[/u] too obvious. The best stories are those that allow the readers imagination some room to summon up the imagery of what is transpiring. With the way you have laid out the events unfolding, you have essentially left nothing unspoken. Something as intense as a murder from the shadows, and the sense of regret and betrayal that led to it should have more time and plot devoted to it. Instead, we get the story written almost factually, this happened then this happened then I did this which made this happen. All that aside, it’s good that you have a story in mind and want to go to the effort to write it, but if you want people to enjoy it and truely see what you want them to see, you need to raise the effort you put in. Thanks for writing it though, you’ve tried to bring your story to others to enjoy..and that’s more than most do. Going forward I only suggest that if you want to express the stories you have in your mind in ways that people will respond well to, you learn some more about how to structure your writing and be more descriptive. The best way to do this IMO is to read novels of all kinds and note how the authors convey their stories.
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1 Reply"I remember thinking, 'How long have I been gone? Eva shouldn't be back for some time, why is the City glowing?' You could see it even from over the horizon, far before you could see the City itself, just this huge shining and blinking swell, it was like a second sun. Wasn't until we broke the clouds around the City that we realized it was fire. Asked, most people'll tell you that it was the Traveler they can't forget seeing, mantled against a horizon on fire. Can't blame em', watching that Cabal's clutch wrap around our Traveller... it was unsettling, something we had never considered. Me though? I'll always remember how much bigger the flames were than the home they were devouring. We built our walls to stand on the sky and fire followed us to the very top of them." [i]'How different from here'[/i] He raised his eyes, white light therefrom drowned in the impossibly black sea that seemed to seep through the small transparent canopy. [i]Nothing prepares you for how loud the silence is out here[/i] He eased the boat into a roll, the canopy now showing glittering waves of matter and flotsam, fluid dynamic apparent in how closely it resembled the ocean floor. [i]The Reef, how appropriate.[/i] To say that those waves glittered was to shame them, the Reef [i]glowed.[/i] This was a sea made not of water but of crystals and the light therein. And yet, despite it's impossible brightness, there existed a clear contrasted line between the Reef and the Sea, an unyielding and visible threshold where the spilling light reached no further, from sheer colour to a striking lack of it. "I'm glad you can still appreciate the beauty of this place." Came a quiet chirp. His hood shifted slightly, but offered no response otherwise. "We're without sanctions; there's no cavalry coming this time, we're on our own." A silent shrug this time, palpable; [i]What's new?[/i] Silence. Deafening, oppressive silence. The Ghost clicked and floated forward, back side comically whirring away as it received a transmission. Petra's distinctive lilt filled the Javelin's cabin- [i]"Found him"[/i] Both Ghost and Guardian's gaze met for a moment. The sound of the engines began to swell as he tapped the panel and spun his cannon onto his hip. "Cayde would've told you not to do this..." the Ghost warned. "No he would not." The Ghost sighed defeatedly as he dematerialized, "No, no he would not."
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4 RepliesEdited by Soul :): 1/3/2020 6:23:26 PMI will pm you it
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I sent it. Enjoy!!
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2 RepliesHe had no major reason to kill zavala or rahool other than he didn't like them? Gang related thinking if I have ever seen it...
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edgy teens be like
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5 Replies[i]HAHAHHAHAHAHA NO MORE EDGE TRANSETSS[/i] [spoiler]I know I am a year late[/spoiler]
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2 RepliesCRINGE!!!!
