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Edited by NineToedPhoenix:
2/1/2015 11:13:57 AM
447
Destiny Abridged, this made me legit laugh out loud.
I dont know who made this but whoever did, they are a genius and I genuinely laughed out loud.
Destiny "story", abridged.
Ghost: "So yeah, I just brought you back to life cause you've been dead for a long time and we kinda need you to help save the world."
Player: "Wait, WHAT?! I was dead? How? I I just...I can't...what about all my friends and family? Do I have any family left? How did I die? What the hell are you? How did you bring me back? Why do you need me, specifically, to save the world? I can't believe I was dead..."
Ghost: "No time to explain; we're in Fallen territory and they're super evil. We need to get out of here!"
Player: "Who are the Fallen? What's going on?"
Ghost: "Here's a gun. Kill things. Oh good, things are dead. Here, let's take a ship; you know how to fly, right? Never mind, I'll fly!"
Player: "Is that a spaceship? Were those aliens? Seriously, how long have I been dead and how did you bring me back? Can you bring back my family?"
Ghost: "No time! We have to get to the city!"
Player: "JESUS JUMPING CHRIST, IT'S THE GODDAMN DEATH STAR!"
Ghost: "That's the Traveller. It's our great protector...even though it doesn't really do much more than hang there ominously and block out the sunlight to the city below."
The Speaker: "Welcome, Guardian. Go kill Fallen for us. They're super evil and we need to save the world from them."
Ghost: "Killing Fallen, killing Fallen... OH NO, THE HIVE! Hive are super, super evil! We need to go to the moon and kill them!"
Player: "But what about the Earth?"
Ghost: "TO THE MOON!"
Player: "Look at all these outposts... Seriously, how long was I dead again and why didn't you bring back someone more qualified to kill alien bad guys, someone like Will Smith?"
Ghost: "No time, gotta kill Hive! Here, kill the moon wizard!"
Player: "Moon wizard? That's a thing? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!"
Exo Stranger: "You guys totally need to go to Venus. There's some really ultra super evil stuff there."
Ghost: "To Venus we go!"
Player: "...what about saving Earth from the Fallen? What about finishing off these Hive thingies?"
Ghost: "TO VENUS!"
Player: "Plants...and water...and breathable air...and entire cities...on Venus... This wasn't even remotely possible in my time... Seriously, are you ever going to tell me how long I've been dead?"
Ghost: "EVIL ROBOTS! SHOOT THE THINGS! SHOOT ALL THE THINGS!"
Player: "WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE, DAMN IT?!"
Ghost: "Oh, hey, looks like we need to go to Mars now and fight the Vex there."
Player: "Mars? What about Earth? Have we forgotten that it's been overrun by the Fallen and I still don't even know what they are?!"
Ghost: "TO MARS!"
Player: "I think I hate you."
Ghost: "So Mars is operated by the Cabal; big, scary militaristic guys with a penchant for blowing up planets and moons for giggles. They're also fighting the Vex."
Player: "Can we maybe talk to them, help each other kill the Vex? Enemy of my enemy and all that..."
Ghost: "NO TIME, SHOOT EVERYTHING!"
Player: "And start a war with these guys? You literally just said they blow up planets for fun!"
Ghost: "Which makes them really-super ultra mega-evil, so you need to shoot them in the face. And the Vex. Vex are pretty bad, too."
Player: "What if starting a war with this Cabal makes them decide to blow up Earth?"
Ghost: "LESS TALKING, MORE SHOOTING!"
Exo Stranger: "Good job, you killed a semi-intelligent blob of goo that controlled an army of ancient evil death machines (which we Exo are totally not related to, I swear), but the fight has only just begun; there's far, far worse out there than the Vex and Cabal."
Player: "WILL SOMEBODY FINALLY TELL ME WHAT THE F#%! IS GOING ON?!"
Ghost: "No time, we have to go shoot more things! For the city!"
Player: "...yep, I definitely hate you."
EDIT 1: Thanks for the positive responses everyone! Keep bumping, maybe someone high up in the bungie food chain will either get a laugh or feel remorse lol.
EDIT 2: We can do it guys and gals! Keep bumping this until every head honcho at bungie reads this!
EDIT 3: The writer has been found! Hats off to Centauratron for making this beautiful piece :D
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1 ReplyI'm sure a lot of the people who were brought back's heads would pop after seeing a lot of the shit that's happening in Destiny. As well as most guardians having serious ptsd from witnessing aliens trying to kill them constantly. Also realizing the things you've been told to kill have almost successfully wiped out almost the entire human race? And you want me, someone who probably had a desk job to go shoot at them? Yeah -blam!- that I'm not going anywhere outside of the city. You do it. I'm not dying again. On top of that knowing they died and that their entire family is dead. Getting no answers would push a lot of people over the edge. I'm sure the speaker in his room with minimal security would have been dead long before our guardian arrived in the tower lol. But I'm rambling lol.
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3 RepliesStory was crap to many unanswered questions but I didn't buy destiny for a good story
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1 ReplyI love some of the back story of destiny, but yeah. The in game story content is lackluster to say the least
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2 RepliesThis is hilariously accurate, but just to point it out the Cabal supported the Fallen in the Battle of Twighlight Gap (though we are not told this in game).
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1 ReplySpot on. I literally know nothing about anything, and I've read the grimoire
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1 ReplyOmg it had me laughing so hard, I literally had tears in my eyes from the laughing. I read the ghost lines in Dinklebots voice aswell. Someone really needs to make this into a short animation lol
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1 ReplyAnd thus the story of Destiny was told in under 2 minutes. And then laffs were had.
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1 ReplyAccurate. Meanwhile ur 2nd edit comment lolololol. Wish people would stop thinking important people at Bungie care about these forums.
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5 RepliesSomebody needs to animate this. Badly.
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2 RepliesI guess you could argue the grimior shows the full story...if ya SUCK.what dev at bungie thought it was smart to put the barebone lore in the $60 game,put a lil but more lore in optional cards you can't read in the again $60 game,and even then said lore is irrelevant to anyone who isn't making game theories...I love destiny personally don't get me wrong,but that was undeniably half assed.and from the creators of the lore heavy halo no less
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2 RepliesI'm not even kidding, I will do the audio (voiceover, music and sound effects) for it if someone animates.
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11 RepliesVery well done. But seriously, if you're going to put in a story as vague as Bungie's why not do it like this and at least let us (and you Bungie) have some fun with it. Nobody would be complaining right now, we'd all still be laughing.
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2 RepliesThat's waaay more complex than Destiny's story. ;)
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9 RepliesEdited by Elyke69: 1/31/2015 8:07:59 AMRead the back of your destiny cases. "Destiny is a next generation first person shooter, with rich cinematic story telling..." i lold at the "rich cinematic story telling" part. Bungiez r lyerz.
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1 ReplyAs a newer player I agree with you I didn't start till the expansion came out and me and a buddy spend about 2 hours a day just discussing what the hell is going on
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1 ReplyI honestly believe I would've enjoyed the game much more if they had gone this route. A joke that embraces the fact that it's a joke is much funnier than a joke that pretends to be a legitimate game with 60 dollars (100 with DLC) worth of epic story.
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1 ReplyThat's exactly how I felt at the end, really couldn't belive how bad the story was. You know I thought it's okay that they don't tell me anything, because we will surely get to it in time, but nope, what a disappointment. Bump
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1 ReplyWill Smith: Wake me, when you need me.
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1 ReplyStill more story than the actual game
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1 ReplyDon't forget the part where dinklebot sets off EVERY SINGLE ALARM IN THE UNIVERSE. Seriously, for a super intelligent and advanced product of The Traveler, how the hell does he manage to always set something off?
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4 RepliesGood stuff, gave us a laugh at work. There is actually a metric shit ton of lore and story in Destiny it's just that you have to go looking for it. I'm a nerd like that so I've read the grimoires and such that fill in all the gaps a normal play through leaves, and by gaps I probably actually mean semi truck trailer sized holes.
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1 ReplyLMFAO I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Seriously, that's how it is. Suggestions: - should have mentioned that someone who died while sitting in traffic probably isn't that qualified to go around defeating entire races. - what about darkness below. I'm just suppose to trust some scary chick with glowing green eyes to tell me what to do. She's probably a spy!
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2 RepliesWhat's really a shame is that this aptly describes Destiny's story to a T. BTW, you need to annex VoG and Eris/CE to this.
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1 ReplyBump, help me bump my posts trending calling out bungie employees
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1 ReplyLol!! Thank you so much for this you should make more mini series on the raid and strikes and bounties and all the other things in destiny
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2 RepliesI got the game in the first week of November after hearing about it from friends, saw very little gameplay and knew next to nothing about it at the time of purchase. And this is pretty much how I felt going through everything.
