Wait a sec! You didn't twirl your stache

Dude double bumping your self? Other than that not that bad kinda shallow though you have potential, I just started and my first was similar to this but if you like search #nicryhmes and after you read the stories read the comments there's some great advice from better authors that helped improve my second page :)

May I add this to the [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/245771343/0/0]Archive[/url]? [spoiler]The Archive is a collection of posts on Destiny Companion. They contain an alphabetical list of writers in the Destiny community and links to their stories and creative writings. Basically, with your permission, I put your name in with a link to your writing. You get all the credit, and everyone has easy access to your story at all times. To find out more about the Archive, follow the link above (click the yellow word “Archive”). If you do not respond, I will assume you are inactive and wait about a week before adding your story to the Archive. If at any time you ask me to remove your story from the Archive, I will do so.[/spoiler] What you have here is like the skeleton of a story. Everything is very clear, which is great. The next step would be to flesh it out, adding more detailed description and making everything into full sentences and paragraphs. My biggest concern is the dialogue between the Guardian and the Ghost. It doesn’t make any sense at all to me. Whatever they’re saying seems to have absolutely no connection to the rest of the story. It would be okay if they were talking about something that hasn’t been revealed to the reader yet, but this dialogue just seems too random. I recommend you get rid of the “Narrator ~” at the beginning and the parentheses. They aren’t necessary. Next important thing is sentence structure. Your sentences are rushed and choppy, describing everything with too few words and mashing fragments into sentences. For example: [quote](he sits to drink some water then boom out of a wall there’s one harpy then 2 3 4 he quickly gets behind cover as they relentlessly fire at him) ( he calls in his sparrow as it mows down some fallen on the way he hops on and speeds into the distance) [/quote] This describes a lot of things happening in two sentences. You need to divide these sentences into the important parts and make sure each part is given attention as full sentences. For example: [quote]He sits to drink some water then- BOOM! A hole is blasted out of a nearby wall. A Harpy passes through, then a second, and a third, and a fourth. They fire at him relentlessly and he quickly gets behind cover. He calls in his sparrow. It mows down some fallen on the way and pulls up beside him. He hops on and speeds into the distance.[/quote] Rather than creating a long sentence made of half-finished sentences put together, try to separate each individual part and make full sentences out of each part.

[REDACTED] Sorry, misfired. I’ll leave another comment with my feedback.

[REDACTED] is my bounty.

Not sure but it's not that far down, it's called the "lost exo#2"