I jack off...using cooking oil. [spoiler]Jk i use lotion weirdo[/spoiler]

I unfortunately don't have any "badass" stories but my personal idol sure does and he was and is THE badass (excluding Norris) so this guy I work for in a nature day camp for little kids tells his life story's to them and what happened to him he had procured these stories from traveling up and down the west coast on foot from Canada down into Mexico. Now he didn't do all of it of foot per say but the reason behind his traveling was he was a river rafting guide. So he'd get word from a friend that in a week there would be an awesome river they were going down in north California and he would walk there or if it was too far to walk he would get a lift from a friend there instead. The other thing he enjoyed doing instead was learning from Native American preserves. He would go there and talk to the oldest members of the tribe and ask what their grandparents would do to survive off the land they would relate ancient stories to him and he would go and do menial labor for them he liked to think of this as trading his youth for their wisdom. Then once he learnt anything they were willing to tell him he would go out and try it. 9 times out of 10 they worked very well almost too well. But now that we have the background lets get into the details of this story. He has an ankle bracelet with a bead on it for every near death experience he's had. The number last time he showed me 4 years ago was over 50 but he said recently he's been remembering some of the earlier ones from back when he was only a kid and the number is more like 75 now. One of these he had as a kid was he was hiking through the woods I believe he said he was 3 at the time. (both of his parents were naturalists and they encouraged him to hike at that age) anyway he arrived at a clearing and looked around it was one of the coolest spots he had ever seen and he just kind of stood there looking in awe (his record for standing still is 2 days he drew a circle on the ground in the woods and never left it except to relieve himself) (he has remained still enough that ants have crawled up his body and drank the liquid from his eye (gross) he said he was testing himself) anyway it was absolutely magnificent he said and he stood there for probably 15 minutes just looking around (mainly up at the trees) when he felt something on his leg he looked down and slithering past his leg was a rattler. He stood stock still and didn't move remembering what his parents had taught him and just stood there. Eventually the snake began to circle around both of his legs he says now that he think it liked the warmth his legs were giving it he says he sat like that for an hour before he realized his parents would kill him if he didn't get home in time for dinner so with that thought in him mind he leaped a good 2 feet in the air and sprinted out of there. That is one of his first stories not much really as far as badass but now for some fun stuff now that we have his background and where he came from we can tell you one of the "less" believable ones a story that most people would instantly assume was pure made up for example how he ran down a hill jumped over a bush and managed to impale himself in what he likes to call his "upper upper thigh" with a 3/4 of a foot long knife and limp back to his campsite or how he was swimming in the ocean when he saw a shark fin and another and another until finally the coast guard roared past him did a u turn and chucked a life preserver attached to a rope and yelled for him to grab on as it sped off. Or how he lopped off the head of a rattle snake as it was in mid lunge with the same knife as before only to be cooking it up and end up horribly sick because he decided to spice it up with a bit of wild mushrooms, it was actually death Camus 2 beads in one there. Or how he was hinting a deer for a Native American who couldn't do it himself and ended up following one only to have it go in a big circle and when it got back to the original spot he noticed a third pair of mountain lion tracks climbed a tree looked down and saw the deer he was following as well as a mountain lion he remained in the tree till he thought it was safe and booked it out of there. Or one of my favorites and the one I will tell the whole story of how he managed to escape from a mountain lion after accidently getting within 20 ft of its cub. He had set up camp at the base of a hill and when he woke up went up to the top he found plenty of blackberries all around and began picking and eating them when all of a sudden he heard something that sounded like a play roar that a house cat would make. He bolted upright and saw the mountain lion cub (I'm actually not sure what a baby mountain lion is called so I'll use cub) it looked at him kind of quizzically then noticed that his eyes were on the front of his face and started growling at him (eyes on the front of the head mean you are a predator i.e.: humans mountain lions cats etc... Eyes on the sides mean not predator i.e.: deer bird (usually) etc...) anyway the cub growled at him and he turned and bolted because where there is a cub momma isn't far off as he would always tell the kids. He sprinted down the hill taking strides that were more like leaps of 10-15ft down the hill as sure enough a momma mountain lion chased him he sprinted right past the campsite and got to a path he had gained the lead down the hill but now the mountain lion was getting closer on flat ground he continued to run at full speed never slowing down and only turning to look when he couldn't help to not. He continued down the path he had come out onto until he hit a bridge at this point the mountain lion wasn't more than 50ft behind him. He continued sprinting across the bridge and risked a look back to see the mountain lion had gone halfway across the bridge and stopped it was prowling back and forth trying to decide if it should cross. Eventually it turned and left. Now there are three things he thinks could have been the reason the mountain lion didn't chase him one mountain lions are extremely territorial and the other side of the bridge may have been another mountain lions territory another idea was that the cub was too far away for her to feel safe continuing to pursue him or three the mountain lion was scared of bridges. He didn't go back for his stuff instead leaving the park and spending a few nights in a hotel room for a change. I hope this wasn't too long and that it was "Badass" enough for this thread I think it is since the first thing I saw on this thread was [spoiler][quote]I ate ice cream... With a fork[/quote][/spoiler] Please give me your rating and if you tell me that this is ludicrous then I have no argument against you other than you can't say that without meeting the guy I mean he has a powder he carry with him that anytime a kid gets an injury he sprinkles it into the would and within a few seconds stops bleeding then half an hour it hasn't even scanned over it just has a slightly whiter part of the skin I've tried to get the plants in the mixture from him and he has told me one is yarrow and another was something called golden seal I think I can't remember but I never got the ratios of the plants either which disappointed me. Thank you for reading this very lengthy post can't wait to hear responses his name is [spoiler]Eric Nicholas of Pleasanton California[/spoiler] I have never looked for him online

I stopped 3 people from suicide last year does that count?

Just so everyone know I'm a scuba diver and on one dive we are going into a wrecked ship to check it out and things go as planned and then just as we r about to ascend I see people waving their arms out the port holes and I go and see what's going on [spoiler]cus waving like a manic underwater is not good[/spoiler] and so they show me they have almost no air and I take off mine and send the regulators thru so they can breath I then do an emergency ascent back to the boat and get 2 more tanks and I go back down to send them thru so they have air to find their way back out of the ship all in all it was some scary ass shit and not fun having to swim 80ft to the surface with no spare air. So tell me what medal do I get?

Got 2 rootscanals with no anesthesia.

I ate ice cream....with a fork

I was at school today and me and my buddy walked down to the store and we decided let's make life easier and buy a 24pack of Coke and put it in our locker and we bought it bring it back and put it length wise up [] like that and we grab some cokes later that day my friend dared me to tell the constable [my schools police laison] and tell him i have Coke in my locker and he told me to take him there I did and he said open it up .... I did and he saw that and said "I'm charging you one Coke cola " I gave him one we laughed and he left. That's my story of the day

I step on a Lego and did not cry.

You know that level at the end of halo reach?

I fought Pai Mei and won without poisoning him.

Roses are red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go up, Pants come down, It goes in dry, And comes out wet, The longer its in, The bigger it gets, When it's finished, It starts to sag, It's not what you think nasty... It's a teabag

I'm friends with a tiger.

NEED ONE FOR ORYX, MUST HAVE: - Balls that weigh 2.3 pounds or more (Each) - 7.4 million dollars worth of contact solution - Immunity to Poison Ivy - Broken up with at least 12 mistresses - Rock hard abs (5/6 must be actual rocks) - A Ph.D. from Harvard with a 5.1 GPA - The ability to teach college level AP neuroscience - Killed a Great White Shark with bear hands (I didn't mean bare hands. You first need to kill a bear) - 7 First Place Double, Backwards Iron Man Medals - The ability to speak Russian, Portuguese, and German at the same time backwards and upside-down - An autograph from a basketball player named Tom Brady - The ability to run a 4 minute mile in 3 minutes - Had sex with the Queen (her brother is also acceptable) - The ability to talk to animals in dog years - The ability to play jump rope with your slong - A Nobel Prize - A Ferrari - Won Tour De France while eating only Laxatives - Never in your life eaten Laxatives - Survived on an uninhabited island with nothing but a small city on it for 3 years - Watched Modern Family with our first president - Minimum 8 Kids, at least 9 of them boys - The ability to hold your breath for 1 minute (And then continue to hold your breath for the remaining 4 hours and 59 minutes) - Have flawless spelling and understanding of the English language WITHOUT autocorrect - The ability to sow hats in under and hour - Collectors edition of borderlands - Must have gotten every exotic in game from coming last place in crucible

I fought 32 4 year olds and I won

I was trained under Ninjutsu [spoiler]the actual martial art guys not the hand signs[/spoiler] I came to canada as an immagrent when I was 4 I havent seen my family in 10 years besides my father mother and sister who was born here. In my Ninjutsu training I got rid of many fears. I was jumping waterfalls at 10 and at that same age beating adults in archery. The reason why I begun my studies in the martial arts is because my beloved cousin died from leukimia and I hated not being able to do anything to save her. I could'nt even attend the funeral because im in north america not south america. I then saw many people being bullied. I knew I could've done something to save those people from getting beat up. I wanted to be a peacekeeper. Someone who helps the needy. And thats what im striving for each day. And the death of my cousin and the lives of my family keep me going. They inspire my battle to achieve my goal. One day I was able to save a boy from some bullies. Thats when I felt at peace. Like my cousin was proud of me. So I kept helping with my gift of the martial arts. And to this day I haven't stopped.

Smoked outside late one night State trooper pulls up Holding bowl Smoke still in air He pulls over Asks where I live Asks age Asks what I'm doing Me: "Smoking, and talking sir" He gets out walks over to me and friend I'm about to shit myself He grabs my bowl Looks at me and my friend Him " I'm heading home to a crazy wife, mind if I hit this?" As he takes our lighter and hits it. We rotate 2 bowls with him He says have a nice night Leaves I stay there like Wut #true story

]>The year is 2048 >Trump's Empire has taken Europe and is now invading North Korea >Trump the Ever-Living is working on plans for his Mars base >One of Trump's advisers entered the war room >"My Lord, we just received news that your strike team has failed. Kim Jong Un is still alive." >Trump stood up from his solid gold throne >"Looks like I have to do this myself." >"Sir?" >The Trumptator adjusted his tie >"I need a weapon." >Trump's holocopter (a helicopter with a cloaking device) positions itself above Kim Jong Un's palace >"This shouldn't be long." >He jumps from the holocopter without a parachute >Trump lands standing up, his solid gold armor preventing any bodily harm >The palace's doors open on their own upon Trump's arrival >Lord Trump moves quickly through the palace >The guards put up little resistance, the Trumptator taking them out with headshots >Trump the Immortal enters the throne room and is quickly surrounded by palace guards >They encircle him and take his gold plated assault rifle >"Rooks rike you're stumped!" said the Korean Dictator with a smile >Trump smirks "I don't think so." >Our lord unleashes his dual omni-blades and cuts down the guards in a matter of seconds >Kim Jong Un takes out a handgun from his inside his jacket >"FRUK YOU!" he screams as he empties the magazine >Trump raises his hand and stops all of the bullets Darth Vader style >Lord Trump aims his trademark gold plated revolver at the Korean dictator >"Kim.." >A bead of sweat ran down the side of Kim Jong Un's face >Trump the Undying pulled back the hammer and smirked >"You're fired"

I take time out of my life to help my community with community service and projects. Also usually help people when they are short a bit on cash or if they are homeless. I've had family there so I feel them. Probably not really badass but thought Id see what you thought. :3