Yesterday I saw my dad cutting up onions and putting it into the pot while crying. [spoiler] even though it tasted good, I miss onions. He was a good dog[/spoiler]

A picture is worth a thousand words

It came out a few years ago that Micheal Jackson was a West Ham United supporter .... because he's forever blowing bubbles. What time do pedophiles go to bed? When the big hand touches the little hand. A man buys his young daughter a bike for Christmas. He tells her "before we can trust you outside we'll have a little test. He holds his left hand hand and asks her what that means. "Turn left" she says. He holds his right hand straight up and asks her what that means. "Stop" she said. He unzips his pants and pulls his penis out.... She looks up at him and says "oh, dad, not the breathalyser again". Little girl walks in on her dad having a piss, she looks at his penis and says "when will I get one of those". He looks down at her and says "in 20 minutes when your mother goes to bingo". Young girl goes to see Santa in the supermarket grotto. Santa looks at the young child on his knee and asks "what would you like for Christmas little girl?" "I want some some hair between my legs" Santa looks down at the girls and says "would a white beard do?"

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? [spoiler]neither have they[/spoiler]

http://i.imgur.com/G9WXMNq.jpg

This is a long one, so stick with me. One day in heaven, two men appear at the gates. The first man said to the second man, "hello, if you don't mind me asking, how did you die?" The second man said, " I froze, what about you?" The first man than said, "I had a heart attack. I raced home from work because I thought my wife was cheating on me. After searching the house, I couldn't find anyone, I was so filled with grief over accusing my wife, I died on the spot due to a heart attack." The second man than said," That's too bad, if you checked the fridge, neither of us would be here."

"Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" "Because it's cheaper than Chemotherapy."

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a mustang? [spoiler]theres not a mustang in my garage[/spoiler]

Whats worse than a baby? [spoiler]A dead baby[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]One alive at the bottom[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]The baby eating it's way out[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]The baby going back in for seconds[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]A baby nailed to a tree[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]10 babies nailed to one tree[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees[/spoiler] HOORAY FOR DEAD BABY JOKES!!

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are holidaying in Blackpool. The Englishman decides he wants to take a walk along the pier, but the Scotsman and Irishman would rather go for a drink so decide to find a pub. The Englishman takes off down the pier by himself, enjoying the fresh sea air. As he nears the far end he hears someone crying and starts looking around. At the very end of the pier there's a beautiful young lady sitting in a chair with her face in her hands. As he gets closer he realises the woman is a quadriplegic (no arms or legs) and is sitting in a wheelchair. Tentatively he approaches her. "Hello! Say, why are you sitting out here all alone? And why are you crying?" He asks. She looks up, looks him up and down, then looks him straight in the eye and says through her tears "I hate my life, I'm never going to amount to anything. I'm 21 and I've never even been hugged by a man!" The Englishman is a little embarrassed by this, he's not one to let his emotions show, but he feels bad for her. So he quickly bends over, wraps his arms around her shoulders and gives her a big hug before making his way back down the pier without saying another word. Sometime later the Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are sitting in the pub sharing a few beers. The Scotsman and Irishman have been there for a few hours now and the Scotsman is feeling a little worse for wear. The Irishman returns from the bar with a tray of whisky shots, one for each of them. They all knock back their shot and suddenly the Scotsman doesn't feel so good. He excuses himself, leaves the pub and throws up over the side of the pier. When he finishes he hears sobbing from the end the pier and goes to investigate. He finds the same girl sitting in the same place and walks up to her. "Hey lass, what's with all the tears?" He asks her. She looks up at him and says "I've been thinking. I'm never going to have a husband and kids, I'm 21 and I've never been kissed!" Feeling a little bold from the booze he bends down, grabs her by the face and plants a long passionate kiss on her lips before swaggering off to find his friends. Later in the evening and the Englishman and Scotsman have gone home. The bar's called time and people are filing out for the night. The Irishman is pretty wasted, he can barely stand. He decides to clear his head with a stroll down the pier. At the far end he sees the same girl, still just sitting there crying. He stumbles over to her and slurs "Ehy girly, why're ye cryin?" "Look at me! I'm 21 and I've never been fūcked!" She cries. He looks down at her, she really is very pretty. He thinks for a minute through the fog of booze and a smile crosses his face. She sees him grinning and smiles seductively back. He bends down, gently wraps his arms around her waist, lifts her up and throws her over the edge. "Your pretty fūcked now! Ain't ye!"

Obama

Why do Asians squint [spoiler]because atomic bombs are pretty bright [/spoiler]

I actually made my own dead baby joke! Why did the baby cross the road it was stapled to the back of the chicken

Why was susie crying [spoiler]because the other kids were making fun of her[/spoiler] Why where the other kids making fun of susie? [spoiler]because she has no arms[/spoiler] Knock knock whos there? [spoiler]not susie[/spoiler]