Part 1: Afraid
Miles eyes were gazing into the mirror. He was just studying himself. He was never the best looking kid but he also wasn't the worst. He was only 15 with little to no muscle and kinda pale skin. His hair was black and was somewhat short. He was about 5,9 and had a bit of a gut. He was a pretty average kid. From time to time he would just study himself in the mirror just to try to boost his confidence or get a good idea of what he typically looked like. After miles was done he got his clothes out for tomorrow and went to bed.
Miles went to school the next day dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie with an undershirt underneath. It was a breezy fall morning so everyone was dressed in jackets and hoodies. He went to the bus stop and talked to his normal friends. "Hey sup" said Miles. One of Miles friends Richy replied with a "nothing much but did you watch the new game of thrones". "No that show is virtually porn" exclaimed Miles. "No you're just stupid" said Richy. This caused a bit of a debate between the two. It lasted the entire bus ride to school. It stopped when they finally had to go to different home rooms. Miles went to his homeroom class and put his head down, even of it was just for a few minutes.
When Miles heard the bell ring he jumped up and ran to his first period class. He did his usual work and talked to his usual friends. He did the same thing through out all eight periods. Schools was always easy for Miles. Although today was a little obnoxious for him. Miles was doing his work when all of a sudden some kid next to him threw up all over his papers. Miles was upset but not too upset. The Kid was immediately sent home. Miles had noticed that there were lots of kids getting sick that day. Including his friend Richy. Even some teachers. Miles was just happy to be on the bus. He would finally be home where he could play his Xbox in peace he wouldn't have to deal with anyone throwing up on him. On the bus ride home two kids had thrown up. Miles just thought maybe it was just a flu. Then again it was flu season.
Miles got home, threw his bag down on the ground and turned on his Xbox. He was a little stressed after today and decided to relax by playing some skyrim. When his sister Lisa came home from elementary school she too was sick. She immediately went up to her bed room and went to sleep. Miles was just hoping that he wouldn't come down with the flu. He continued to play Xbox till his parents came home around 11:30pm and made him turn it off. He didn't bother arguing because he already had his fill of gaming. "Mom I think Lisa is sick"said Miles. "There's a flu going around explained Miles mother. "Yeah I thought so" said Miles. Miles was starting to get tired so he decided to go upstairs and go to bed. He was thankful that today was Friday.
Miles woke up in his clothes. He had forgotten to take them off last night. The only thing off were his socks and shoes. Miles got up and was ready to go down stairs for some breakfast when all of a sudden he heard a noise come from down the hall. It was his parents room. He walked down the hallway and seen that his parents door was slightly open. He could hear something inside. It sounded like someone with bad table manners eating food. He opened the door only to see his sister sitting on top of his mother. "Lisa what are you doing" asked Miles. To his surprise she turned around and replied with a loud snarl. Kinda like a dog. He was also surprised to see her face covered in blood. Miles was in shock. He was speechless and was just starring. Lisa had jumped off the bed and had lurched at Miles. He was quick but not quick enough. This resulted in Lisa's head getting stuck between the door. Miles pulled as hard as he could but it didn't help. He quickly released the door and ran into his room. He made sure he locked the door behind him. He quickly put in his shoes and began to think. The only thing that could even come to his mind was the word zombie. But he just couldn't accept that as truth. Part of his brain knew it was true. It was the only explanation he could think of. He would have checked the news on his t.v. but his t.v. had been broken for over a month now. His self phone was downstairs on the kitchen counter and he wouldn't dare leave his room. He began to think about his sister and mother. If these new real life zombies were anything like the movie zombies then he knew it was too late for them. This thought made him cry. For the rest of the day he just sat in his room thinking and crying occasionally. Miles was truly afraid.[spoiler]Be honest was it good or was it a sack of horse shit.[/spoiler]
English
#Offtopic
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4 RisposteYou should probably study up on how to properly structure diologue.
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7 RisposteThis is just a poorly written piece in general. Literally every aspect ranging from physical structure to descriptions is lacking in any substance. Never attempt to write anything again, this is an embarrassment.
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1 RispondiModificato da InstaSpook: 8/18/2014 6:32:26 AM>Not a Flood related story. Honest Review: 3/10- Bad. -This story had a lot of grammatical errors in the text. -The story felt like any other zombie story. -Not enough is know about Miles so I couldn't really feel the [i]connection[/i] to the character. -The beginning sounded like some kind of [i]High School Bullied Kid[/i] story and then transitioned to a complete different story which did not make any sense. [i]At all.[/i] -You've wasted about 5 minutes in my life on this story and it felt like I read a Desticle [i]"Guardian Back Story"[/i]. -The virus was boring as in there was anybody talking about the sickness in school.
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1 Rispondi[quote]Miles'[/quote] Fix'd
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1 RispondiWell, I've read worse. Like this one time where I read a Halo fanfic that had Noble Six and a Grunt having sex with each other in New Alexandria.
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6 Risposte
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2 RisposteI don't know, it was pretty good for a start. I would break up the big paragraphs a bit. And when characters are talking to each other - "Spacing the quotations like this helps." "So that way people aren't confused about who's talking." Other than that, I can see your approach to an average kid turned apocalypse survivor. Other than that, great job so far! Good luck, I can't wait to read the next installment.
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7 RisposteI can see for miles miles miles
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7 RisposteIt was a good start. Overall I felt like this was rather cliche or more like a template. Since everything was basically told in third person, it kind of just gave you the idea of the events. Now, I'm not saying you should've told it in a different perspective but just try to add more emotion, more depth. Don't just say "he felt terrified" either but try to imply it somehow. An example would be like "the floor melted into cement and he couldn't move, frozen in terror." As it stands it just sounds like another zombie story. Always strive for something different, but don't give up, it was indeed a good start.
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8 Risposte[quote]Miles Miles When Miles Miles Miles[/quote]Find a way to start a paragraph that isn't the character's name.
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5 RisposteNot really bad, but I'm sure you can do better if you try harder.
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35 Risposte
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If this does well than I will make more and they will hopefully have better quality or it can completely fail and be an embarrassment. Who knows?