I got banned once for my jokes, I won't do it again.[spoiler]PM me if you want horribly dark humor[/spoiler]

I'd tell a joke but I don't want to trigger people with politics

Why did Sally fall off the swing? [spoiler]she had no arms[/spoiler] Knock knock, who's there? [spoiler]not Sally[/spoiler] What did Sally get for Christmas? [spoiler]cancer[/spoiler] Knock knock,who's there? Dave, Dave who? [spoiler]Dave proceeds to break into tears because his mothers Alzheimer's has progressed to the point that she no longer knows who he is[/spoiler] Everyone say hi to lucy. Where did lucy go during the bombing? [spoiler]everywhere[/spoiler] Why do orphans like playing tennis? [spoiler]because it's the only love they get[/spoiler]

I don't get why everyone's offended by Hellen Keller jokes. [spoiler]She's never heard one in her life![/spoiler]

Doctor I've got a yeast infection downstairs it smells like rotting meat can you help me . The doctor looks at the lady's privates and his eyes start streaming . I've never smelt anything like it he says and passes her a bag of antibiotics here take this and come and see me when you've finished the course. A week later she returns and the doctor can smell her in the waiting room ,look love if they haven't worked I can't help you .you better pray to god the smell goes away.With that advice the lady goes down to her local church,drops to her knees and starts to pray.After around two minutes of praying a rusty nail lands on the floor beside her ,whats this she thinks she looks up at the statue of Christ and sees Jesus holding his nose.

I am still on a watch list after the last joke thread. [spoiler]not getting banned again[/spoiler] So....... NaBrO

Hillary's life.

Trump will make a great president.

How many lips does a flower have? [spoiler]tulips[/spoiler] What time should you go to the dentist? [spoiler]Two Thirty (tooth hurty)[/spoiler] What is it called when you murder a friend? [spoiler]Homiecide[/spoiler] What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? [spoiler]It's pasture bedtime.[/spoiler] Have you heard the butter joke? [spoiler]Well I [u]butter[/u] not tell you it, because you might [u]spread[/u] it![/spoiler] [spoiler]I'm not nearly as funny as I think I am.[/spoiler]

I'm glad Hillary didn't win the election, because a woman can barely even drive a car. Let alone run a country

America

Off topic after the election

What's the meaning of life? [spoiler]your mom[/spoiler] Why does the cereal taste funny? [spoiler]bleach[/spoiler] [spoiler]edgy much?[/spoiler]

Trump is the next American President. What do I win?

Meanwhile laughing hysterically at the two new candidates for the Zaphod Beeblebrox position, the man who secretly runs the universe kept writing.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our representatives are busy. Dear millionaires and billionaires, If you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me " HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY! If you fall, I'll be there. -Floor Automatic doors make me feel like a JEDI!! I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Two men walk into a bar, the third ducks Duct tape is like the "Force" It has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. I'm not random I just have many thoughts We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction! Note to self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines. You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me. Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously never tried to slam a revolving door. This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel... of course it's usually just an oncoming express train. You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you. Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity. I'm nobody...Nobody is perfect... so I'm better than youuuuuu! If everything seems to being going well...you have OBVIOUSLY overlooked something... It takes 42 muscles to frown, but just 28 muscles to smile. Though it only takes 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone in the mouth. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure does make misery a whole lot more pleasant. I have a grip on reality--just not this particular one. I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me? I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says, "So far, so good!" I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly. If life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS! Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already. Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss. Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to. The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them. Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed. Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas. An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work. You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it. The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk. I battle sarcasm with logic. I call it logicasm. Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. I smile because I have no idea what's going on. Did you know "gullible" isn't a real word? If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because I just rigged your house with explosives. Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work hard for it. Now quiet, they're announcing the lottery numbers. Irony: Falling down the stairs due to the distraction of the "Watch your step" sign. All generalizations are false, including this one. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance? If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable. I don't know what my problem is. But I do know it's really hard to pronounce. If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. I'm such a REBEL. I leave messages before the beep! I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every last minute of it! An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough. Drive it like you stole it! Sanity? I've never heard of such a useless thing to begin with! I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay. There are two types of pedestrians—the quick and the dead. There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives. You are such a good friend! Now that our ship is sinking, and there is only one life vest... I'll miss you heaps and think of you often. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. We have enough gun control, what we need is idiot control. Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. I didn't say it was your fault. I was just blaming it on you. A computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. Don't follow in my footsteps—I walk into walls. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor. You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. There are three sides of an argument. Your side, my side, and the right side. The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity. If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' is congress the opposite of progress? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: fear of long words. Always remember that you're unique... Just like everyone else. I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah! A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn’t find any. Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!” Nobody stands up Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!” Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?” Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…” Have you heard about the quarter roy pillow? It's making head lines.