#Caleb Crosland #5/14/2016 import time import random play_continue="YES" soviet_icp=7 german_icp=12 unitedkingdom_icp=12 japan_icp=9 unitedstates_icp=15 while play_continue.upper()!="QUIT": print("\n"*20) print("Soviet IPCs:",soviet_icp,"\nGerman IPCs:",german_icp) print("U.K. IPCs:",unitedkingdom_icp) print("Japan IPCs:",japan_icp,"\nU.S. IPCs:",unitedstates_icp) run_mode=input("IPC/Dice/Reset/Quit: ") if run_mode.upper()=="DICE": roll_again="YES" cancel="STOP" while roll_again.upper()=="YES": dice_one=random.randint(1,6) dice_two=random.randint(1,6) dice_three=random.randint(1,6) dice_four=random.randint(1,6) print("\n"*20) dice_numb=input("How many dice would you like to roll: ") if dice_numb==1: print("\n") print(dice_one) roll_again=input("Would you like to roll again? Yes/No: ") elif dice_numb==2: print("\n") print(dice_one) print(dice_two) roll_again=input("Would you like to roll again? Yes/No: ") elif dice_numb==3: print("\n") print(dice_one) print(dice_two) print(dice_three) roll_again=input("Would you like to roll again? Yes/No: ") elif dice_numb==4: print("\n") print(dice_one) print(dice_two) print(dice_three) print(dice_four) roll_again=input("Would you like to roll again? Yes/No: ") else: print("Sorry, that's not available. ") time.sleep(1.5) elif run_mode.upper()=="IPC": icp_run="YES" while icp_run.upper()=="YES": print("What team are you?") time.sleep(0.5) team_icp=input("Soviet/Germany/U.K./Japan/U.S.: ") if team_icp.upper()=="SOVIET": print("What would you like to do?") time.sleep(0.5) icp_action=input("Add/Subtract: ") if icp_action.upper()=="ADD": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") soviet_icp=soviet_icp+icp_change print("You now have",soviet_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" elif icp_action.upper()=="SUBTRACT": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") soviet_icp=soviet_icp-icp_change print("You now have",soviet_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" if team_icp.upper()=="GERMANY": print("What would you like to do?") time.sleep(0.5) icp_action=input("Add/Subtract: ") if icp_action.upper()=="ADD": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") german_icp=german_icp+icp_change print("You now have",german_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" elif icp_action.upper()=="SUBTRACT": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") german_icp=german_icp-icp_change print("You now have",german_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" if team_icp.upper()=="U.K.": print("What would you like to do?") time.sleep(0.5) icp_action=input("Add/Subtract: ") if icp_action.upper()=="ADD": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") unitedkingdom_icp=unitedkingdom_icp+icp_change print("You now have",unitedkingdom_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" elif icp_action.upper()=="SUBTRACT": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") unitedkingdom_icp=unitedkingdom_icp-icp_change print("You now have",unitedkingdom_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" if team_icp.upper()=="JAPAN": print("What would you like to do?") time.sleep(0.5) icp_action=input("Add/Subtract: ") if icp_action.upper()=="ADD": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") japan_icp=japan_icp+icp_change print("You now have",japan_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" elif icp_action.upper()=="SUBTRACT": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") japan_icp=japan_icp-icp_change print("You now have",japan_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" if team_icp.upper()=="U.S.": print("What would you like to do?") time.sleep(0.5) icp_action=input("Add/Subtract: ") if icp_action.upper()=="ADD": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") unitedstates_icp=unitedstates_icp+icp_change print("You now have",unitedstates_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" elif icp_action.upper()=="SUBTRACT": icp_change=input("How many IPCs?: ") unitedstates_icp=unitedstates_icp-icp_change print("You now have",unitedstates_icp,"IPCs") time.sleep(1) icp_run="stop" elif run_mode.upper()=="RESET": soviet_icp=input("Soviet IPCs: ") german_icp=input("German IPCs: ") unitedkingdom_icp=input("U.K. IPCs: ") japan_icp=input("Japan IPCs: ") unitedstates_icp=input("U.S. IPCs: ") elif run_mode.upper()=="QUIT": print("Thanks for playing!") time.sleep(4) play_continue="QUIT" else: print("Sorry, that command isn't available.") time.sleep(2.5)

When is a pentagon not a pentagon? [spoiler]When its intercepted by a seperate plane.[/spoiler] What did Hitler give his niece? [spoiler]An easy bake oven.[/spoiler] I was talking to Hitler over the weekend. I asked him what his weekend plans were, he said he was going to kill 6 million jews and 2 clowns. I asked him why the two clowns. He replied, see nobody cares about the jews. You know 2 things that die in tunnels? [spoiler]Cell phones and Princess Diana.[/spoiler] My humour is so dark, it can be enslaved. "Your generation is so reliant on technology." Said my grandfather, I then said, no your generation is too reliant on technology, as I pulled the life support plug to further prove my point. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? [spoiler]Getting r@ped.[/spoiler] How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [spoiler]Doesn't matter, they'll be too busy beating the room for being black.[/spoiler] What's the main cause of Pedophilia in America? [spoiler]Sexy children.[/spoiler] They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile. Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds. What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? [spoiler]Michael can finish a race.[/spoiler] Who were the fastest readers that ever lived? [spoiler]The people of 9/11 as they could go through 90 stories in under a minute..[/spoiler] If the camera adds ten pounds, then do African children actually exist? What breaks when you give it to a 3 year old? [spoiler]Her hips.[/spoiler] What's better than winning a gold medal in the special Olympics? [spoiler]Not being retarded.[/spoiler] What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her? [spoiler]Her miscarriage.[/spoiler] The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that -blam- to death'. My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car. A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer pain of child birth to the Father. He asks If it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch. Did you see the score of the USA v Ethiopia game? [spoiler]USA 8 - Ethiopia didn't.[/spoiler] Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion? "Ask your sister" I don't have a... Knock Knock Whose there? 9/11 9/11 who? [spoiler]I thought you said you would never forget.[/spoiler] What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? [spoiler]Gang r@pe.[/spoiler] What's the most positive thing in the ghetto? [spoiler]HIV[/spoiler] Why are Asians eyes so squinty? [spoiler]Atomic bombs are pretty bright.[/spoiler] How do you get a Jewish girl's number? [spoiler]Roll up her sleeve.[/spoiler] My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. I told her that's a pretty big word for a ten year old. What did the blind, deaf, crippled boy get for Christmas? [spoiler]Cancer.[/spoiler] What do you call a 6 year old with no friends? [spoiler]A Sandy Hook survivor.[/spoiler] Oh man, Sandy Hook jokes never get old. Just like the kids. What's the worst thing to do at a funeral? [spoiler]The corpse.[/spoiler] Have you ever read the sequel to Anne Frank's diary? [spoiler]Anne goes to camp.[/spoiler] What's got 5 eyes, 3 ears, and 2 and 1 nose? [spoiler]The finishing line at the Boston Marathon.[/spoiler] What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? [spoiler]Throw in your laundry.[/spoiler] So my grandfather died at Auschwitz... [spoiler]tripping over some barbed wire while shooting at a Jew.[/spoiler] What did the boy at Auschwitz want for Christmas? [spoiler]Parents.[/spoiler] What did he get? [spoiler]Gassed.[/spoiler] You know why blacks only have nightmares? [spoiler]Because we killed the only one who ever had a dream.[/spoiler] What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? [spoiler]A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.[/spoiler] What's white on top and black on bottom? [spoiler]Society.[/spoiler] What's black on top and white on bottom? [spoiler]R@pe.[/spoiler] What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? [spoiler]The wheelchair.[/spoiler] Due to political correctness you can no longer say "Black paint". Instead you have to say "Tyrone, will you please paint the fence". What's the worst part of getting your keys locked in your car while at a abortion clinic? [spoiler]Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.[/spoiler] What do you call a blank piece of paper? [spoiler]Woman's rights.[/spoiler] A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: -blam!- off, you won't bring it back. So, I was -blam!-ing my daughter last night and my wife walked in. She was in shock. I don't know what she was more surprised by - the fact that I was -blam!-ing my daughter, or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep it. What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? [spoiler]I don't know, I just fly the drone![/spoiler] How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? [spoiler]Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.[/spoiler] How many babies does it take to paint a wall? [spoiler]Depends on how hard you throw them.[/spoiler] What's Al Qaeda's favorite football team? [spoiler]The New York Jets.[/spoiler] How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? [spoiler]AIDS.[/spoiler] A father is showering in the morning when his young daughter stumbles into the bathroom. She opens the curtain and notices his penis to which she says, "Daddy what's that?" Seeing it as a teachable moment the father replies, "That's my penis sweetie." The daughter quickly asks, "Will I ever get one?" The father chuckles and responds, "As soon as your mother leaves for work." I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later whilst we were talking, he said it was the most violent book he'd ever read. I bet my friend $20 that he would go drown in a lake. [spoiler]A bittersweet victory for me.[/spoiler] So I was walking around town yesterday and passed by a gun store. Intrigued, I entered to find that everything was half off. [spoiler]I didn't know that Back to School sales had already started.[/spoiler] A man called 911 and said "Come quick, my son swallowed a condom!" 5 minutes later, he called again and said, [spoiler]"never mind, I found another one".[/spoiler] How do you get a baby to stop crawling around in circles? [spoiler]Nail its other foot to the ground.[/spoiler] What's worse than the Holocaust? [spoiler]Six million Jews.[/spoiler] What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? [spoiler]Outdated farm equipment.[/spoiler] So these two muffins are in an oven right, and this one muffin says to- oh wait, they were Jews. So these two Jews are in an oven right? Man and little boy holding hands walking into a forest: Boy, (shaking and with a quivering voice)....."I'm scaaaarred. Man: [spoiler]"You're scared?.......I've got to walk out of this forest alone."[/spoiler] I called the R@pe Advice Line today. [spoiler]Unfortunately, it's only for victims.[/spoiler] How do you get a baby into a jar? [spoiler]Blender.[/spoiler] How do you get a baby out of a jar? [spoiler]Tortilla chips.[/spoiler] The only thing more beautiful than a child's smile is watching it fade as the bubbles come up. How do you make a 3 year old cry twice? [spoiler]Rub your bloody d!ck on her teddy bear.[/spoiler] Why did the boy drop his ice cream? [spoiler]Because he got hit by a bus.[/spoiler] If somebody says to you whats up just say [spoiler]Not the twin towers.[/spoiler] A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they -blam!-ed in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies: [spoiler]I couldn't find it.[/

[b][/b]

I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I’m -blam!-ing retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.