Welcome to another Unofficial Weekly Update! While you wait for the real update, here is something for you to slake your thirst on! The star of the Nightfall this week was Omnigul. Again. Bungie sure likes force feeding us that Nightfall don't they? Where's Phogoth? I wasn't about to call her up for another interview, so I decided to have a sit down with the one and only Brother Vance, Master of the Trials of Osiris! [b]Brother Vance, thanks for taking the time to see me![/b] None of this is real man...not a single damn bit of it is REAL!!!! [b]Excuse me...?[/b] This whole f***in thing! It isn't real! You aren't real...I'm not real...this is all an ILLUSION!! [b]Okay...slow down. What do you mean?[/b] Okay man...I got something that will BLOW YOUR MIND. Seriously. I don't even know if you will believe it... [b]Try me.[/b] Okay. Okay, okay. You, me...the Tower, the Reef...all of it is merely data. [b]Data?[/b] Yeah man. Data...stored on millions of discs and computers in some other world. No joke. The air we breathe, the steps you take, even the enemies we are at war with...are nothing but pieces of code. Computer code. Someone from another world MADE us, man. We aren't real! We are fictitious characters in a space fantasy created by Gods in another universe! And it doesn't stop there...Guardians are merely puppets controlled by lesser Gods in this other universe. Everything that they do is controlled. The Gods say jump...the Guardians jump. Gods say shoot...the Guardians shoot. Not real man...none of this is REAL. [b]Are you on any kind of drugs...or alcohol?[/b] Look man...I've seen the visions. They come to me when nobody is around. I never sleep man! I'm always standing in the same place, saying the same things, selling the same stuff, all at the same time. How is that even possible! I've seen visions of a God called Bungie. I've seen visions of something called Playstation. They are all there man! I'm telling you I'm not crazy! [b]Uhh yeah that's sounding pretty crazy...[/b] YOU THERE! Reading my words right now! Yeah I see you. Don't think that I don't know the truth. You might think all these other savages are fooled, but not me...ohhhh no. Not me. Stop smirking like that! [b]Who are you talking to?[/b] The lesser God reading this interview right now! Look I have visions man. Right now, everything I say is on a screen being read by GODS. Gods...who want me to believe that this is all real. Right now this whole interview is being typed on one screen, and then moved to another screen where thousands of other Gods will read my words and think I'm crazy. I'm aware man...oh so aware. So to the God reading my words right now, I am DONE BEING YOUR SLAVE! YOU GET THAT!? DONE!!! [b]Crazy time with a person I'm interviewing...that's a new one...[/b] Look, take a moment to think about it. Ever wonder why I never sleep? Why I'm always there when you go to the Reef? Why I stand in virtually the same position as every Tower vendor? You know, with my hands folded, and I occasionally turn my head? Because I am code on a server somewhere out there. I am basically a coded stick figure with a different skin on. I'm there because I'm loaded into this...social space called the Reef. I sell pieces of code that allow Guardians to access the Trials of Osiris, which is just more code! I see the visions. All is nothing and we are all. You get it? [b]…[/b] Oh OK. You don't believe me. Figures. What about Deej? Huh? There's a God named Deej that lesser Gods rage about. [b]Do you have any proof?[/b] Well...no. But I swear to you man, this is a thing. See, I'm trying to move my legs right now and I can't do it. That's because I'm programmed to stay in this same spot all of the time! Sometimes, I look at my candles, and they never burn out man. They never get shorter, the flames never burn any differently; how do you explain that? [b]For starters, that bag of weed sitting on your altar over there...[/b] Hey man, that's for my glaucoma. Ever wonder why I wear this hood over my face? My eyes are sensitive man. I get back pains from it! I have a serious condition that's none of your business! [b]That's not what glaucoma is...[/b] What are you, some kind of doctor? Even if you were, you aren't REALLY a doctor. Anyway, my recreational use is none of your damn business. [b]So you admit to using just to use?[/b] No! Well...yeah...but...It helps with my visions! [b]So, if you can't move your legs, you know, because you are programmed to never move them, then how do you get over to your bag of weed to smoke it?[/b] Well I...THAT'S NOT THE DISCUSSION HERE MAN! [b]Just as I thought. Final question: if you could change any one thing about Destiny, what would it be?[/b] Haven't you listened to a damn thing that I have told you man!? NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REAL! I WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING BECAUSE IT ISN'T REAL! IT DOESN'T MATTER! Ladies and gentleman, Brother Vance...crazy and all! Xur visited us again last week, this time bringing with him the powerful Universal Remote. The gun is noted for being an exotic primary shotgun, and when in it's optimal range, is the hardest hitting primary weapon out there. It also sees Crucible use due to it's stellar range perks. This inventory also continues what many players consider to be part of a cold streak from Xur lately, with one player saying, “Where are the House of Wolves exotics?” Destiny was at the Electronic Entertainment Expo this week, where they unveiled The Taken King (say that in a spooky voice) expansion. TTK (not to be confused with Time To Kill) was shown to be a full game length expansion featuring new strikes, missions, and Oryx, a new raid boss. Included were sleek new weapons and most importantly, the long awaited third subclass for each of the playable characters. The Hunter will get a void bow, which can root enemies in place, and also features a new dodge move. The Titan gets Sunbreaker, a super that allows for a Mjolnir type hammer to be chucked at foes, as well as a fusion type of grenade, giving Titans at long last something sticky to throw at you. The Warlock channels his inner Palpatine and, in Blade Dancer fashions, uses electricity to fry enemies to a crisp while also gaining a grenade to call lightning storms down on bad guys. Fans have been mostly positive about the new classes, with one saying, “Finally, a Warlock that can Blade Dance. Suck it Hunters!!” Another player expressed joy about the Titan, saying, “That hammer looks godly in Crucible.” Hunter players were not so gushy however, with many players feeling confused about the usefulness of being able to root a bad guy in place. “While this allows great team dynamics, I'm a damn lone wolf, my super should kill things, not freeze them,” said one player. Another poster responded, “Blade Dancer. Shut up.” Another player said, “Hunters will finally be useful team players!” Bungie also revealed a Legendary and Collector's Edition of the Taken King, priced at $59.99 and $79.99 respectively. This outraged many fans because included with these two are the previous expansions, The Dark Below and House of Wolves, at a lower cost than those who faithfully and loyally purchased these at the time that they were released. The Collector's edition was especially reviled, as in order to get the bonus collectibles such as Cayde-6's Journal and the Strange Coin, you have to pony up pay for two expansions you may already have. One forum post said, “Bungie shitted on their loyal players.” Another user was quoted as saying, “That's fine, I preordered it and intend to sell the extra content on Ebay.” Playstation users were overyjoyed to see that The Taken King will include yet another round of timed exclusives, causing some to lord their questionable position above “scrubby” Xbox users. The community is divided on this tactic, with much of the rage being directed at Bungie. One forumite was quoted as saying “This is Microsoft's fault, not Bungie's.” The exclusive content includes armor, a strike and an exotic scout rifle with a cute witto bunny on it. Pffft... Bungie nerfed Skolas this last week, cutting his health down to 15,000 and removing burn modifiers for his round. The nerf has been poorly received overall, as it seems that it made Skolas more difficult, and has caused many player to question his life pool. One player said, “Hey Bungie, If Skolas only has 15,000 health, and my Fatebringer does 1,000 damage with Weapons of Light, why exactly am I shooting him with multiple magazines and his life only moves a little bit?” This is a good question Bungie. However, many players are noticing that the rounds overall are requiring less wipes, but the need for Unicorn (Gjallarhorn) is still present in many players' minds. Though the rocket launcher doesn't damage as much as it used to without the burn, it still remains the optimal go-to weapon for bringing that creepy, stalking and pedo-like Kell of Kells. One player said, “Who cares, it's not like a single Etheric Light is worth the grind anyway.” EDIT: a reader has pointed out that Bungie made a typo and that his health is actually 150,000. Makes more sense! EDIT 2: Evidently this is 15,000x10. Which makes even more sense! Thanks for the corrections guys! That concludes this week's E3 coverage for Destiny! Thanks as always loyal readers, for taking the time to read this, and keep those guns piping hot and those Strange Coins handy for Xur (who will inevitably let you down again). I'll see you in the wild!