>visit USA >sit next to cool guy from india >get off airplane with light hand luggage >go through customs behind friendly sikh guy with turban >All of the TSA officers pull M16's on the sikh guy >Fire 16 shots into guys chest while screaming 'Murrrica >I walk through the unattended gate >a large black woman stops me >"mmmmm mmmmmmmmm watchoo think YO goin" >-blam!-s my arse with gloves >says she was looking for a bottle water that was the wrong size >leave through narrow hallway of advertisements and people trying to get me to sign up for online university >go to bus stop >bus is leaving >run for bus >people on mobility scooters turn to me in disgust >"oh my god he's exercising, somebody call 911" >block me from running with their mobility scooters >miss bus >police arrive, tell me to get down on the ground >I do as im told, "Im just a tourist, im innocent" >"he's resisting arrest" they shout, as they taser me and search my bag >after they find nothing, i offer my passport as ID >police officer says "whats this?" >"my passport, for leaving and entering countries" >"you kidding me? now why would anyone need one of these?!" he said >officer sprays pepper spray in my eyes and tells me to be on my way >a mobility scooter rolls just into the road >officer tickets him for jay-scooting >go wait for another bus >people ask why im crying, tell them about the pepper spray >peppered steak? their eyes light up >"no, Mace" i say >"oh". everyone offers me xanax and a variety of pain meds >take 2, ask if they have some water >turn to each other like "whats water?" >"you know, to drink?" I respond >"oh you mean coca cola" they say >woman opens bag and takes out bottle of diet cola >takes out bag of sugar and pours it into the diet cola >"here drink this, anon" >swallow xanax with sugar saturated coca cola and board bus >bus has mini-escalator instead of steps >bus ticket has free coupon for plastic surgery on the back >every time bus pulls into a stop everybody claps >get off bus and go to meet US friends at restaurant >menu has no meals, only ridiculous challenges to eat large amounts in 1hr for your money back >Waiter comes to the table >What can i get for you gentlemen this evening? >I politely request to order a touch after everyone else. >waiter brings everyone glasses of water regardless of the drinks we have yet to order >about to take a sip of water, completely gag >smells like someone tried to cover up chlorine and fluoride with cheap lemon concentrate >first friend orders cheese burger with fries and a 12oz steak with extra mashed potatoes >second friend order full rack of ribs, pulled pork sammie (his vernacular for sandwhich) marcaronite and heees, and deep fried pickles >15 min later, water returns with our food >friend asks me if i want to try a fry >say sure, grab one and gently pour ketchup onto it >he looks at me in confusion >asks me what I'm doing >starts pounding bottle of ketchup into a seperate bowl he requested >empties another one into the bowl >asks the waiter for a third bottle and empties it into the bowl >grabs a handfull of fries, oil dripping down his arm as he squeezes them >starts moving them around the table making airplane noises >BRRRRRRRRRRRM, WOOOOOOO, VOOOOOOSH >dunks them into the bowl of ketchup, entire fist is stained red >has to forcefully shove them into his mouth as to make sure none of them drop >tell me "that's how ain't no -blam!- eats sum fries in uhblub MURRCA" >other friend says "praise jesus" >other friend starts clapping >a grotesquely overblown piggu-man splinters his chair to get out of it >"HOLY GOSPEL HALLALUJA AND THE PENTACO- he dies from a heart attack >soon the entire restaurant is clapping >first friend is laughing his fat arse off from the poor man who just died >zoom in on his face in slow motion " HUA HUA HUA " chunks of potatoes flying out >man in 10 gallon hat walks up to our table and starts shooting revolvers into the ceiling screaming "YEEEE HAWW" >kindly ask waitress if I can order just a caesar salad or something similar >waiter calls manager who pulls a light machine gun on me >"sir i am unarmed and mean no harm, please put down your gun" i stumble >"stop trying to take away my freedoms" he screams >he fires gun across restaurant in a sweeping motion >i dive out of the line of fire and sprint out the exit >friends talk him down by telling something i can fainty hear as "he is a 6 a bong bing dong doodly do not from murrca" >go back to their house and chill on the couch >friend asks "bro dude like hey man wanna ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm uhhhhhhhhhhhhh *belch* play some vidayar games? >say to him "sure! what do you have?" >he pulls a fancy silver platter dish cover dramatically off of a cable box >whats tha- BEHOLD FOREIGN FRIEND, dis rite heer is thee Q-Container-Uno. >what does it d- a familiar voice pipes up *MMM HMMM WATCHOOO DOIN unregistered user detected!* >mechanical tentacles jump from the "console" if it can be called such, and proceed to -blam!- me. >*SEARCHING FOR PS4 gam- I MEAN WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION BEEP BOOP* >*no contaminated/illegal items have been detected, yet as a safety precaution user xXmurricaDurritusDiabeetusMTnDooXx has been charged 499.99* >friend throws me out the window and i struggle to get up and start running as he smashes through the wall of his house >believe i can outrun my landwhale of a friend but clearly mistaken as half his bodyweight is turned directly into energy >his hair turns yellow and he begins to scream HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA as he charges like a rhinocerous >doing parkour over countless hybrid scooters powered on green energy and turn to look back at him to see his folds of fat bouncing and making fart noises >he runs past a womyn and is simultaneously sued for emotional damages and oppressing the opposite sex >gasping for air decide to go back to my hotel and order pizza >pizza arrives, its 50 inches and appears to have an unopened bag of crisps baked right into the crust >"that will be $200 or free if you eat it in one hour" says the driver >eat three slices and give him $200 >he doesnt leave "whats the matter?" i ask >"i'm waiting for a tip" >pass him $20 and he leaves >decide i've had enough and leave >battle through oceans of mobility scooters to get to the airport >a soft cumulonimbus cloud decides to form >flight delayed 10 hours >USA, never again.