This thread is inspired by another: view original post
They call it the “Golden age of Humanity”, nobody wants, no one is hungry, no more poverty, no more illness…. Well, almost anyway.
The doctors tell me the Travelers technology won’t help me, they tell me every cell in my body is sick.
I’ve been poked, prodded, examined and puzzled over. I’ve had every treatment twice over, the only difference it ever made was that god awful synthetic intravenous viral augmentation, and hell; I had to take poison just to keep it in line. What did it buy me, a few more years?
I’ve finally been broken down enough to let those religious freaks do their thing, whatever that is. I mean you have to be crazy to build temples to a giant metal ball. But what choice do I have. They should be here any moment. I’ll just get some rest while I wait…
Voices, damn voices, how long have I been asleep.
I can hear a woman’s voice “He’s waking up…Mr. Vaughn, can you hear me Mr. Vaughn?”
“I can hear you” … she was wearing those ridiculous robes, all dressed in white, tell me that’s not how a cult would dress you.
“You’re from the order, here to use your magic to heal me?” I said smirking; nobody else found it funny.
“Not magic Mr. Vaughn, just science we haven’t unraveled yet… and you can help us unravel it” She said.
“So you want me to be your guinea pig?” I responded
“Guinea pig?” she questioned
“A small rodent; they used to experiment on them in the early 21rst” I explained
“Then yes Mr. Vaughn you’ll be our guinea pig” She smiled, somehow she made me feel at rest, safe.
She continued “We will bring you to our temple at the base of the traveler, there you will make contact with Traveler”
“Contact!” I exclaimed “you must be out of your mind that’s not a treatment that’s death, I’ll die if I touch the Traveler!”
She smiled, and calmly continued “No Mr. Vaughn, we have been studying the effects of the Traveler once contact has been made, and we’ve found something incredible. Based on the data we’ve gathered”
I had to interrupt “Hold on, how exactly have you been studying the effects? Have you been sending members of your order to their death? Have you been experimenting on your own, sacrificing them!?”
She paused, but seemed un-phased “Yes, the devout have dedicated their lives to understanding the Traveler, and they have not been sacrificed, they have been changed. As I was saying the data we have recovered is… well its nothing short of a miracle. When the traveler is touched the body does indeed die, but not because the traveler kills you, because it takes you.”
I didn’t understand “What do you mean? That sounds like death to me.”
Calm as ever she continued “The body dies because the mind leaves the body, we’ve definitive proof in the data, the mind migrates inside the Traveler. We can only detect the smallest part of the construct but when contact is made some kind of matrix is created, some kind of advanced data storage. We don’t fully understand it yet, but we believe the mind can live inside this matrix, and the more data we gather, well… soon we think we will be able to replicate the technology. Imagine Mr. Vaughn, if we could upload a mind to a synthetic copy we could in theory live forever, or perhaps even create true virtual realities, we could program heaven.”
Damn, I needed a minute “I don’t know, I just don’t know…”
For the first time a stern look came over her face “To be blunt Mr. Vaughn, what difference does it make? If you stay here, you’ll be dead in a few days maybe a few weeks at best, at least this way you have a real chance to survive, to live.”
She was right, it made no difference. At least this way my life would have purpose… or my death. “Okay show me the data, I’ll do it.”
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Here are more Destiny short stories, please like them if you enjoy them
The Travelers Light: [url]https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/221602027[/url]
A Ghost is Born: [url]https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/221698372[/url]
Running Home: [url]https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/221723435[/url]
Check back here in a few days for more...
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#FanFiction
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WILCO4LiFE
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I detest most fanfiction as puerile. But yours is actually pretty good. You may have a future as a writer
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3 RepliesI was just walking and the front of my big toe felt weird and with each step as I continued to walk I could slowly feel my toe creeeping threw a hole in my sock untill it completely penetrated it and is now all alone in the rugged terrain of my boot while his brothers are all cozy in the comfort and safety of my thick warm sock. It's a rather sad story.
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Not really getting behind it. The concept was interesting, but the presentation fails flat. The main character starts off okay: skeptical, unsure, a tad strong headed. His initial responces to the events of the story also seem in line with someone of that character, especially the use of sarcasm and hyperbole as a defense mechanism. But the act is kept up too long. Maybe you were trying to make the character seem strong throughout the situation, but the longer it went on, the more it seemed like the main character didn't understand or care about the events in the story. At the point a smart character realizes the gravity of a situation they don't understand, they would drop the sarcasm and start asking real questions. Especially when death is part of the process they're about to go through. There would be a clear shift in the character's motivation from confusion or fear to survival. The way you present the group that studies the traveler also comes across as misdirected. The main character's initial description of a cult-like appearance of them isn't beyond reason, though I'm not sure why they would be in robes if they were scientists when the concept of warlock didn't apply yet. Yet despite saying that they don't work with magic or worship the traveler in the story, they've been written to behave in exactly that mannor. If you want these characters to be seen as precursors to Warlocks, then remember that Warlocks gain their power through studying the traveler. Any devotion they have would be to their studies rather than the traveler itself. That's why their robes appear and function like those you'd expect to see on a nomadic scribe rather than the ornate and impractical dress robes of a religious zealot. As the story goes on, they detach the atmosphere by having their characters not understand standard analogies (like guinea pig) and presenting concepts of science in the way you'd expect to be present magic. They show no real concern for understanding the process or trying to figure out the sources and catalysts of the change they're describing, and focus only on the end result with a small theory of what the traveler might be doing. This is not the behavior of someone studying a system like that. Anyone can answer "what" the system does based on the end result, a few interested in the system may be able to answer "how" it occurs, but the fundamental job of a research scientist or engineer is to figure out "why" the system behaves in the way it does. So reinforcing that they're more like religious fanatics only takes away from their character and role to the story. Hope none of that came across as mean spirited. Hope the little critique helps you improve on your stories in the future.
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2 RepliesEdited by doctoad: 2/1/2017 3:28:30 PMAlso, for the record, ignore all of the forum-police about "where things belong." This is better "lore" than anything Bungie has released. #competitive
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Anyone else think it was a baby?
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21 RepliesPlease move this to the community forum
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Better question is why hasn't Bungie put something like this out there. This is great stuff - write more.
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Nicely done, bump.
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Nice!
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There's only one OG ghost. RichGhost77.
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Like many others I suggest not placing this in the lore forum. I made several Fanfictions and got the same feedback. I recommend it.
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It would be cool if our ghosts got some real backstory. This isn't a bad idea of one
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Not really lore, but would be great on grimoir if modified to the grimoir way of writing.
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2 RepliesThis isn't lore, but fan-fiction.
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2 RepliesI've always thought that ghosts were the collected memories of everyone who died in the collapse
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*insert Welcome to the Machine*
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5 RepliesNot bad. I would recommend posting this in #Galley where it is supposed to go. That's where a lot of fanficiton is posted, so you'll likely get more notice and appreciation there rather in a subforum that it doesn't belong in, such as #Lore.
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Why is is that every destiny fanfic has #Lore?
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3/10 Not enough penguins doing math.
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Taht was great i wonder if he is our ghost?
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1 ReplyLoved it!
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1 ReplyExcellent story 👏🏼
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Awesome!! Really interesting