Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

I wish I was as sexy as this guy...

*enters offtopic for first time in awhile. This is the first thing I see. Closes offtopic.*

No...it does explain what CoD is now. A naked man with cups everywhere. Just slap some supply drops in there and you're good.

Stick to the neppy memes.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

gonna have myself a real good time I feel alive and the world I'll turn it inside out - yeah And floating around in ecstasy So don't stop me now don't stop me 'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva I'm gonna go go go There's no stopping me I'm burnin' through the sky yeah Two hundred degrees That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit I'm trav'ling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man out of you Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball Don't stop me now If you wanna have a good time just give me a call Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time) Don't stop me now (Yes I'm havin' a good time) I don't want to stop at all Yeah, I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars On a collision course I am a satellite I'm out of control I am a sex machine ready to reload Like an atom bomb about to Oh oh oh oh oh explode I'm burnin' through the sky yeah Two hundred degrees That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit I'm trav'ling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic woman of you Don't stop me don't stop me Don't stop me hey hey hey Don't stop me don't stop me Ooh ooh ooh, I like it Don't stop me don't stop me Have a good time good time Don't stop me don't stop me ah Oh yeah Alright Oh, I'm burnin' through the sky yeah Two hundred degrees That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit I'm trav'ling at the speed of light I wanna make a supersonic man out of you Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball Don't stop me now If you wanna have a good time (wooh) Just give me a call (alright) Don't stop me now ('cause I'm having a good time - yeah yeah) Don't stop me now (yes I'm havin' a good time) I don't want to stop at all La da da da daah Da da da haa Ha da da ha ha haaa Ha da daa ha da da aaa Ooh ooh ooh

But... that's what the fabulous Prince Ali wears to his private beach.

A weapon to surpass metal gear...

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Actually, it shows how God has left us. And I'm not even atheist.

Easy. This guy did a lot of drugs. Checkmate.