[i]Ok. Part II of my story, feel free to comment your thoughts, or just hit that "like" button. I don't mind any criticism as long as it's constructive. Hope you enjoy! [/i]
“Warning! Proximity sensor triggered in Northern Hemisphere. Warning! Unknown space vessel’s entering in Auroaxin airspace. Time of sensor trip: 00:00. Warning! Immediate action required!”. The voice of the alarm was a high pitched squeal and made the pale, flesh, crawl of the radar tech who had pulled the graveyard shift that night at the command station.
“Warning! Proxi--” …
“Shut the hell up already!” The alarm cut-out as he slammed his fist down into the digitally projected on-screen keyboard at his console. His name was Gair, and it was two days after he had graduated from the Auroaxin Air Forces Academy (AAFA). His charcoal eyes scanned the monitor, his hands moving deftly over the screen, trying to find the source of the alarm.
“Computer, show me the coordinates where the proxy tripped,” he spoke in a voice that was equal parts annoyance and discontent. He rubbed his eyes as he watched the LCD screen projection turn black. He sat in his chair and waited. The screen flashed what appeared to be a satellite view of Auroaxin with something sinister lurking above the planet. The image was choppy, grainy and distorted. Gair peered at it as the light pulses traveled through millions of nerve endings in his eyes, in order to be interpreted by his brain.
“What the…” just as quick as the image appeared, it vanished, and the only thing that remained was a blank screen.
“Computer, restore the feed.” With a little more fear in his voice. He waited, for what seemed like an eternity. Gair started to press random on-screen combinations, trying to get the console to reboot.
“Danger! Airspace breach! Protocol X-0! Unknown space--”.
The alarm died when the lights and the power failed five seconds into the siren. Gair sat in his chair, alone, alone in the darkness. The heart that beat in his chest felt as if it was replaced with a bass drum. The essential organ to life pounded so loudly in his ears, it was as if he were hearing it through a stethoscope. He sat tense, afraid to move.
Then, he heard it; a harsh, metal on metal noise. The slow, creaking, whining of the ball bearings in the air sealed blast door to the command center, being lifted open. No emergency lights, no communications, no weapons. Gair slowly turned his head toward the sound emitting from his right, were the clicking noises as the gears of the door were being slowly forced open. A loud metallic clang and the noise stopped. The door was open…One would have thought that Gair was replaced with a statue made from stone, for not one fiber of his being dared to move. It was a soft rustling sound, a padded movement of feet on the polished floor. Soft, slow, calculated. The steps slowly began to inch ever so closer and closer to his chair. The temperature of the room dropped to below freezing, as more and more cold air rushed in through the doorway that was now ajar. It was then, that Gair heard it. A voice so shrill, so sadistic, that it would haunt him for the rest of his life, which was a problem he wouldn’t have to worry about.
My army invaded Auroaxin. The dark plague at which I had at my disposal, swept over the hills and valleys, lakes and rivers of their peaceful planet, and consumed everything. Not a single life was spared nor was a single soul wasted. As I slowly move into this room, I see what looks to be a man in front of me. I can smell his fear, I can taste it. It’s this fear that slakes my lust. As I stand over him, I hear him start to sob. I can see him for I am a product of the dark, I am one with it. His tears roll down his face, and it makes me wonder: Is this what their idea of life is? A quivering tower of flesh and bone? Unable to stand up and fight for their life?
Without mercy, my bone, clawed hands rip through his chest. His blood-curdling screams are deaf to me as I pull his heart from his broken rib-cage and devour it. This man’s soul. It is all that a being has in this life, all that is sacred, has now become a part of me. His limp, now lifeless body slumps in the chair, as his entrails spill out and onto the floor like a pile of pink sausages. I’m disgusted by this, this so-called “life”. A man is born, and a man dies. Such is the way of the universe, but my life is different. My fate does not follow the same path that is set in stone for countless others. I will not die. I cannot die. For I am the creature that dwells within the dark pits of every conceivable Hell known to exist.
Something rattles the room in which I am standing. A small shake, a minor tremor, but I felt it. I move back out the way I had come, and move out into the night. The Tomb ships of my fleet are there, hanging like ominous black clouds of death in the sky, waiting to rain down upon this planet. The battle was waged, and the war was won, not a single casualty lost in my cause. It was too late for them. By the time these beings realized that they were being invaded by Hell, it was already over. A weak and feeble improvised attack to defend their home, on their part, led to a tortuous death for them. I stand here now, watching over the battlegrounds, that are now swarmed with Thralls, Knights, Wizards, and Acolytes. Hundreds of thralls, swarming and tearing living flesh from these mortals with their razor sharp teeth and claws. Gnawing and hacking them to pieces. Wizard’s screaming and screeching, as they blast anyone left standing to death.
Most of my army has already departed for home. I levitate myself up from the ground and rise. I continue to rise higher in the air and I get a bird’s eye view of the carnage and destruction that I left in my wake. That’s when I felt it. Something queer and strange. I look at the death I have caused, the bodies, the soulless, all just lying there. I can’t help but feel, remorse. A forever growing sense of dread that would continue to follow me for the rest of my life. What have I done? I butchered and maimed, but yet I feel no content.
My hunger has now become a sharp, stabbing pain in the pit of my own black soul. A hunger that hasn’t been satisfied.
A beating in my chest. Yes, it is. It’s my heart. I feel as though it will rupture. I climb high into the bleak of night and come to a rest as I enter into my ship. The more I see, the more my heart aches. All dead. For the love of the darkness, what have I done?
It takes, what feels like light years to get back home to my black Hell. The closer I get to home and my father, the more and more this ache in my heart becomes unbearable. I dock my ship and let several acolytes attend to its needs as I make haste to get as far away from everything as I can. When I finally collapse to the floor, it is in my quarters. My legs contract to my chest and are held there firmly with my hands. The same black hands that ripped the life out of that man a little while ago. I begin to shake. A little at first, and the more I think of his face, his tears, his fear, the more violent my spasms become.
It’s eternity until I regain my composure and emerge from my room. A shell of my former self, I feel empty and drained. The clumsy, awkward steps I manage to take, finally put me in front of my father's chambers. My father, Crota. I enter without permission and find him perched on a chair as large as he is, with what appears to be a look of contempt in the burning green embers of his eyes.
“Alas, my son Xax has returned! Haha…” he grunted and growled with a howl of laughter. “Tell me son, of all your triumphs on that miserable piece of matter, at which you so perfectly destroyed!”
I can barely bring myself to look at him as I am a mere few feet inside the door. I lean on a rock spire that was jutting out of the stone floor and with almost a burning wheeze, I look at my father.
“Father…” was the only word that managed to escape my lips, before they curled into a snarl of exasperation. My hand moves to the back of my head. Black, dead fingers slowly find what they are looking for, and gradually, finger by finger, wrap around the hilt of the sword sheathed on my back.
[i]The Ascension: No Turning Back (Part III)[/i]: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/99019948/0/0
[i]The Ascension: ALL Chapters[/i]: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/99858091/0/0
-
1 ReplyHow cool would it be if the pilot looked just like NIk under the armor... ;) I'll edit if you prefer secrecy.
-
1 ReplyEdited by CentauriAlpha67: 3/24/2015 5:55:20 AM[b]Just a quick tip, make sure to separate paragraphs between speakers and there's nothing wrong with using paragraphs liberally. Here's a quick revised version for the beginning in manuscript format:[/b] “Warning! Proximity sensor triggered in Northern Hemisphere. Warning! Unknown space vessel’s entering in Auroaxin airspace. Time of sensor trip: 00:00. Warning! Immediate action required!”. The voice of the alarm was a high pitched squeal, and made the pale, flesh, crawl of the radar tech who had pulled the graveyard shift that night at the command station. “Warning! Proxi--” “Shut the hell up already!” The alarm cut-out as he slammed his fist down into the digitally projected on-screen keyboard at his console. His name was Gair, and it was two days after he had graduated from the Auroaxin Air Forces Academy (AAFA). His charcoal eyes scanned the monitor, his hands moving deftly over the screen, trying to find the source of the alarm. He spoke in a voice that was equal parts annoyance and discontent. “Computer, show me the coordinates where the proxy tripped.” Gair rubbed his eyes as he watched the LCD screen projection, turn black. He sat in his chair and waited. The screen flashed what appeared to be a satellite view of Auroaxin, with something sinister lurking above the planet. The image was choppy, grainy and distorted. Gair peered at it as the light pulses traveled through millions of nerve endings in his eyes, in order to be interpreted by his brain. [b]In general, it makes it easier to read. When your narrative is clumped together, readers get confused. You want to start a new paragraph every single time a new speaker talks or when characters are having a dialogue, and completely [i]completely[/i] separate the paragraphs where they aren't visibly touching in regards to manuscript formatting. Also, when the dialoge ends and you go into exposition, ect. You even write a new paragraph for a cliffhanger-like instance. (Example: "(EXPOSITION...I stared at him, icy in my calm" (NEW PARAGRAPH) "Then I shot him in the forehead." (END PARAGRAPH). Just some constructive criticism, though I love where you're going with the story! I just feel like the formatting could be better so you can attract more readers. Purely positive on my part. Lol. I shall continue the story. [/b]
-
1 ReplyIt's amazing I'm sitting on the edge of my seat like asking so many questions, "what's going to happen?" "Holy crap!" "Oh. My. God."
-
Necrobump
-
5 RepliesNot trying to be a grammar [url=http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin%27s_law]-godwinslaw!-[/url] but I think thrall and acolyte is same singular and plural
-
-
Very good, I loved it.
-
1 ReplyWhen's the next one
-