A simple gun that looks nice, maybe some neon pink dicks for masculinity, and have some perks like increased armor/shields per kill that can stack up to 5 times for protection, and have a random burst for every clip where the fire rate jumps from mediocre to "The hell is ammo in the clip?" Like waaayyyyyy higher than the Sahara could ever dream of reaching, and just before it happens, have an audio clip saying "I'm reaching my burst limit!" I would be a happy little boy.