[spoiler]Apologies if my Spanish is really rough.[/spoiler] The doors to the office building hissed open and I strode inside with enough swagger to make Calus drop dead. I clicked my tongue at my exo secretary. “Everyone inside?” “Inside and ready, Mr. Lord of the Funnies, sir.” “Excellent.” I tapped a switch near another door, and it opened to reveal the representatives of the species. A large [i]A[/i] was embedded into the wall, standing for [i]Awesomeness[/i]. I took my seat and nodded to those surrounding the long conference table. “Gentlemen, ladies, and crustaceans.” I glanced at the Hive representative. “We are gathered in the Awesome Tower here today to discuss peace. I’m not gonna beat around the bush, folks, peace is tough.” “Easy for you to say!” the Fallen representative, Tiffany, replied indignantly, slamming her fist on the table and shoving her blond hair out of her face. [i]Wait, do Fallen have hair?[/i] “Our planet had peace for years until the Great Machine left us! The answer to this conflict is simple: give us back the Traveler!” I cocked my head to one side in thought. “Well…the Traveler doesn’t really work like that…” “Nada!” the Hive representative, Juan shouted. “Yo no quiero un Traveler! Tu es muy loco, Tiffany! Yo quiero piero un muy grande!” Tiffany growled. I held up my hands, trying to restore order. “Easy. Let’s try to get something done here, okay?” “But, Snakehide,” the Taken representative, Larry, said, “we have no will at this time. Savathûn controls us. We can’t speak for ourselves.” “So…we have to take down Savathûn to have a productive conference? ELSA!” My secretary peeked through the doorway. “Stop singing that one song. And when is my Fireteam supposed to be ready to take down Savathûn?” “All of your companions died in the last Strike, sir. And Warlock Blackburn has delayed the attack on the Witch Queen till early next year.” “GREAT TRAVELER OF SOCKS ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” “Very, sir. You have to Let It Go.” I facepalmed. “Uh, I don’t want to be, like, judgy here…” the Scorn representative, Barbara, cut in, “but, like, I feel like my people, the, like, Scorned, are being, like, hunted for our hats. Like…why are we even?! We’re, like, an endangered species! That’s a trajesty.” “Ugh,” I sigh. “Can we just talk about how to get to peace for once, you guys?” The representatives all looked at me with shock. “Well,” the Vex representative, Dude, muttered, “when you think about it, all of our species have been warring for no particular reason. The Cabal came because they wanted the biggest ball in the sky. The one on their home planet wasn’t big enough.” Iki Iki Akasaka, representing the Cabal, nodded in his meditation pose. “…the Taken just want to look like every race, the Hive are tired of being space seafood, the Fallen want the Light, the Vex want to be recognized as the inventors of time travel, the Scorn don’t want to be hunted for pelts…” “Hats,” Barbara corrected. “…humans want peace, Awoken want a monarchy, and exos want free meals at IHOP for eternity. So, really, we have nothing to fight about.” We all nodded in agreement. I held up my hand. “All in favor of peace, say aye!” “AYE!” “All opposed, say nay.” “NAY!” Iki Iki replied, soothing his long black beard that reached his toes. “The Cabal do not want peace. We want to learn martial arts.” “…why? You already have guns bigger than ours…” “Because there is honor in martial arts. We want honor more than we want big guns.” “Arguably.” I sighed. “ELSA! Shut off the simulation.” My secretary did so, and the room went dark as I stepped out into the main lobby. “Well, whoever designed that one just got fired.” “I believe Monty did, sir.” “What?! How?” “Idk, sir. Idk. I do know that he wants to put Cayde in the next one. Said it would keep you on your toes.” “Elsa, I’m wearing the Stompees all the time. I’m on my toes all day, every day of the week…literally. It’s kind of embarrassing.” “That’s what I told him. Oh, you have some visitors.” I turned around. “Well, what can I do for y’all?” “Pardon the intrusion,” a blond man with a rectangular hammer replied. “We thought we could help you in your quest.” “My…quest?” “Yeah,” a dark haired main with a red, white and blue suit and shield replied. “Isn’t your mission to destroy all evil?” “Well, yeah, but…” “Then look no further,” a red haired woman in a black jumpsuit replied. “We…are the Avengers,” a man in a metal suit replied. A large green lump nodded. “Smash evil.” They all suddenly posed heroically, as if some extremely dramatic music was playing in the background. I paused, then took my golden gun and shot each of them in the chest. I flipped the gun out of existence before their ashes hit the ground. “Man,” I scoffed. “We get the strangest weirdos around here. Elsa? Enact that ‘no weirdos allowed’ rule I talked about. Only let in people who have been given powers by a giant ball in the sky.” “Because that’s not weird, sir?” “Right.” “Aye aye, sir.”