I read the first couple of chapters then skipped to the writer's note at the end, so let me know if I say something out of line. First off, your biggest problem isn't so much the plot or grammar, but organization. I have a problem following what you're trying to convey. You seem to be jumping from place to place or from time to time without giving a clear indication of a change. Fully flesh out a scene with [i]everything [/i]you picture in your head. It's better to include more than less, and it helps to let the reader follow your train of thought better. Then use transitions, timeskips, whatever to let your audience know that we're changing locations or it's later. Next, make use of punctuation to provide pauses in your statements and give them more weight. You have periods in the right place, but consider breaking up your sentences into more, smaller ones, and use commas to imitate pauses in speech when necessary. Overall, I gleaned a plot that had some potential. I'm sorry to hear you lost your spark, but I would have liked to see this go somewhere. :)

Jesus Christ this is -blam!-ing bad. I'd love to how great it was,before you "remastered" it