Peregrine Greaves were just the beginning! I'm sure most of you have seen the crazed description of those famous Peregrine Greaves (WANT TO KICK S*** IN THE FACE FOREVER?! THEN YOU NEED PEREGRINE GREEEEAVES!!) Well, as lovely as those Peregrines are, they're not the only amazing exotic that deserves to have someone just rave insanely about them. So, choose an exotic. Go absotively nucking futs about it. Bring out your inner psycho and let him have some fun. Just a few things... 1. Keep it PG-13. Good taste is optional (indeed it's pretty much discouraged), and since we're talking about implements of violence, some of that is inevitable as well. Still, let's not have extreme gore, graphic sex, or unnecessary gross-outs. 2. Be respectful. Disagreeing with a poster about the value of a given exotic is allowed (though discouraged, we have other topics for that). Insults are unacceptable. 3. If you're going to post a rant, don't do it as a response to a comment, do it as a response to the main topic. That way, all your lovely crazed rants will be readily available for reading by everyone. Here are two of mine, for exotics that are dear to my heart: DO YOU WANT TO EXPLODE OUT OF NOWHERE AND RIP YOUR ENEMIES' GUTS OUT AND THEN DANCE AROUND IN ALL THE SPILLED BLOOD AND ORGANS? IF THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN, THEN GET YOUR A** DOWN TO XUR AND ASK HIM FOR [b]KHEPRI'S STING! [/b]PUT THESE LITTLE SWEETHEARTS ON AND YOU WILL DISAPPEAR EVERY TIME YOU KNEEL DOWN AND YOUR HUNTER KNIFE WILL DRILL [b]TOXIC DEATH [/b]INTO EVERYTHING YOU STICK WITH IT! THAT FALLEN CAPTAIN WON'T HAVE A CHANCE! YOU WILL VANISH LIKE A POPPING BUBBLE, CREEP UP ON HIM SILENT AS A NINJA MOUSIE AND RAM YOUR BLADE THROUGH HIS SKULL LIKE YOU'RE CARVING A CANTALOUPE FOR BREAKFAST! YOU CAN CREEP UP ON A HIVE WIZARD AND GIVE THE SHRIEKING UNDEAD B**** A FULL AUTO BURST OF INVECTIVE RIGHT IN THE HIDEOUS FACE! YOU CAN FACE A HYDRA, POP YOUR GOLDEN GUN, AND PUT THREE SUPERHEATED LUMPS OF CONCENTRATED SOLAR PLASMA RIGHT THROUGH THAT JEWEL IT HAS FOR A FACE AND OUT WHATEVER IT HAS FOR A BUTTHOLE! YOU CAN CREEP ON ON A COLOSSUS AND PLANT YOUR POISONED PIGSTICKER IN HIS NECK, THEN CREEP OFF AND WATCH HIM DIE IN A POOL OF NOXIOUS BLACK BLOOD! YOU CAN CREEP UP ON A TAKEN MINOTAUR AND [b]SHOW HIM WHAT SNEAKY'S REALLY ALL ABOUT [/b]WHEN YOU PULL YOUR DARKBLADE'S SPITE AND [b]FRY HIM LIKE A BACONBURGER![/b] YOU CAN WRITE "HIVE SUCK OOZING BUTT" ON ORYX'S CAPE! YOU CAN SNEAK UP ON THE SPLICERS AND BLAST THEM INTO SIVA-FLAVORED MUSH AND THEN FEED THEM TO SALADIN'S WOLVES! STUPID STRIKER THINKS HIS PEREGRINES ARE SO AWESOME?! HE CAN'T KNEE WHAT HE CAN'T SEE! YOU CAN SNEAK UP ON HIM IN THE CRUCIBLE AND YANK HIS TIGHTY-WHITIES RIGHT UP INTO HIS BUTTCRACK, THEN STEAL HIS PALINDROME AND RUN OFF GIGGLING! MAGIC NERD WARLOCK THINKS HE CAN MELEE SNIPE YOU? HA!! YOU CAN CREEP UP ON HIM AND PUT 11 INCHES OF POISONED STEEL BETWEEN HIS RIBS! YOU CAN SNEAK UP ON A SUNSINGER AND PUT FOUR MATADOR ROUNDS IN HIS FACE! THEN DISAPPEAR AND WAIT FOR HIM TO SELF-REVIVE AND YOU [b]PUT FOUR MORE ROUNDS IN HIS FACE[/b]! YEAH, SUCKA, WE LIKE YOU BETTER DEAD [b]SO FRICKIN' STAY THAT WAY! [/b]YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF ZAVALA'S ROUND BLUE ROBIN'S EGG HEAD AND HE CAN'T DO CRAP ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE CAN'T SEE YOU! YOU CAN STEAL IKORA'S MOLDY OLD CODICES AND REPLACE THEM WITH COPIES OF "THE DAY MY BUTT WENT PSYCHO"! YOU CAN SNEAK UP ON XUR AND GET ALL HIS EXOTICS AND THEN SHOVE A FLAMING COCONUT CREAM PIE IN HIS STUPID BLACK CALAMARI FACE! YOU CAN HIDE IN SALADIN'S BEDROOM AND WATCH WHILE HE PLEASURES HIMSELF AND MUTTERS ABOUT HOW MUCH HE MISSES JOLDER! YOU CAN SNEAK INTO THE LADY GUARDIANS' SHOWER ROOM AND GET AN EYEFUL, AND THEN GET OBLITERATED BY A THUNDERFIST WHEN YOU SHIMMER BACK INTO SIGHT! BUT IT'S WORTH IT BECAUSE YOU SAW [b]BUTT-NAKED GUARDIAN CHICKS! [/b]KHEPRI'S STING IS [b]PURE INVIZO-AWESOMENESS!!!!!!! [/b] __________________________________________________________________________ DO YOU LIKE SUPERS? DO YOU LIKE POWERING UP YOUR LIGHT AND SMACKING THE CRAP OUT OF SOME SMELLY CAPTAIN OR SHRIEKY WIZARD OR SNOOTY FELLOW GUARDIAN WITH IT? DO YOU LIKE WALKING UP TO LIVING THINGS AND [b]DISINTEGRATING THEM INTO DISPERSING CLOUDS OF VOID-VIOLATED MOLECULES?[/b] IF SO, YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR LAZY PORKY GUARDIAN BUTT. GO DIG DIG DIG THROUGH THE RELIC IRON LUMPS ON MARS SO YOU CAN [b]GET YOURSELF A DARK-DRINKER. [/b]STUPID STRIKER THINKS HE'S ALL THAT BECAUSE HE'S GOT A FISTO PANIC, THAT'S ONE FISTO PANIC. AND GUNSLINGER [b]LOOOOVES HIMSELF [/b]BECAUSE HE'S GOT THREE HOT LITTLE GOLDEN BULLETS. ALONG COMES SUNBREAKER, SHE THINKS SHE'S [b]HOT SNOT ON A SILVER PLATTER [/b]BECAUSE OF HER SEVEN GLOWING HAMMERS. WELL GUESS WHAT?! STRIKER, [b]YOU ARE ACTUALLY NONE OF THAT![/b] GUNSLINGER, [b]NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU![/b] AND SUNBREAKER, YOU'RE ACTUALLY[b] ICY COLD BOOGERS ON A GREASY OLD PAPER PLATE SOMEONE DUG OUT OF THE GARBAGE! [/b]SEVEN HAMMERS? PATHETIC. THE GUARDIAN WHO CARRIES THE MIGHTY DARK-DRINKER CAN HAVE SEVENTEEN, [b]COUNT 'EM SEVENTEEN [/b]SUPERS! SEVENTEEN WHIRLING SWIRLING FLESH-SHREDDING BONE PULVERIZING SUPERMASSIVE VORTEXES OF DEATH! AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANYTHING TO CHARGE! AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DROP 'EM ALL AT ONCE LIKE THOSE GOLDEN WEE-WEE SHOTS OR HAMMERS! GOT A CAPTAIN IN FRONT OF YOU? SLICE HIM UNTIL HE'S CAPTAIN COLD CUTS! GOT A THRALL SWARM COMING YOUR WAY? ONE VORTEX AND THEIR LIQUEFIED REMAINS ARE SPLATTERED ALL OVER YOU LIKE A SPILLED MILKSHAKE! YOU'LL NEED A WET-VAC TO CLEAN THEM UP AND AIN'T NO WAY ANYONE'S GONNA IDENTIFY WHICH FRAGMENT CAME FROM WHICH THRALL! GOT VEX? CHOP THEM INTO EIGHT-BIT BYTES, THEN CHOP THE BYTES INTO BITS, AND THE BITS INTO TEENY-WEENY GRANULES OF METAL! GOT TAKEN? ONE BIG SPIN AND YOU'LL TAKE THEM DOWN, TAKE THEM OUT, TAKE THEM APART, TAKE THEIR MOLECULES AND ATOMS AAND [b]SCATTER THEM LIKE GLOWY WHITE CONFETTI![/b] SPLICERS? YOU CAN UNSPLICE THEM AND MAKE A NICE REFRESHING FALLEN FRAPPE OF 'EM. XUR NOT GIVE YOU THAT EXOTIC YOU WANTED? YOU CAN TURN HIS TENTACLE FACE INTO CALAMARI! TIRED OF ZAVALA'S CRAP? GIVE HIM THE SUPERMASSIVE VORTEX AND [b]WATCH MOLECULE SIZE CHUNKS OF EGG HEADED COMMANDER FLY AROUND THE ROOM LIKE CANDY FROM A BROKEN PINATA![/b] IT'S THE PERFECT TOY FOR DEALING WITH LIFE'S VEXATION! BOSS FIRES YOU? SLICE HIM TO BOSSY BITS! COP PULL YOU OVER FOR SPEEDING? TIME TO BREAK THE LAW... INTO TEENY WEENY PIECES! IDENTITY THIEVES? IRS AGENTS? TRANSGENDER PEOPLE IN YOUR BATHROOM? [b]YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, GUARDIAN! [/b]YOUR WIFE SAYS SHE'S GONNA LEAVE YOU AND TAKE EVERYTHING? SHOW HER A DARK DRINKER DIVORCE! (no, you don't kill her)... BUT YOU CHOP UP THE HOUSE AND THE CAR AND EVERYTHING ELSE SO THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR HER TO GET! SHE'LL HAVE TO LIVE IN A CARDBOARD BOX AND TAKE THE SMELLY METRO BUS AND EAT OUT OF DUMPSTERS UNTIL SHE'S 96 AND USING A WALKER! ALL THANKS TO THE MIGHTY...[b] DAAAAARK DRRRRINKER!!!!!!![/b] FoxBurton did a few of these as well. His are a little longer than mine and less over the top (but not a lot less). Here are links to them: Gjallarhorn: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/220902949?sort=0&page=0 Peregrines (expanded from the original): https://www.bungie.net/en/Forums/Post/220868188?sort=0&page=0 [u]So now it's your turn: pick your favorite exotic and show it some (crazy) love![/u]