Asshat Aug 4 2016 There’s a saying that goes “One man junk is another man’s gold”, we take that saying to heart here at Startec Laboratories. Recently we got a call from an Eastern European sounding junk dealer named Devros, and that he had some totally “Legit” space junk for sale. As you may never know what cool vintage science tech you’ll find from Eastern Europe, that Western Scientists were either too afraid, or legally and morally obligated not to create. We decided to buy it sight unseen! Two weeks later the crate arrived, and just like a giddy school kid on Christmas we couldn’t wait to unwrap our new present…. It was a big, black, shiny, and mildly radioactive obelisk. Huh? =============================================================================== [quote] “This week at Bungie we yielded the stage to Game Informer.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]“Why don’t you hear what’s new from the source? It’s not like we get kickbacks and less liability or anything, no! right? [quote]“From time to time, it can seem like we’re guarded about our work. We keep our cards close to our vest. Our studio is a safe place where our team can take risks and innovate and make discoveries that lead us down the path to a game that’s truly worthy of your passion and enthusiasm.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] Safe Space…Just like where Collage Students can go so they can express their love for Donald Trump without fear of persecution. We like to pretend we’re listening, and keep out all that negativity people scream when we nerf their favorite stuff. [quote]“Then, there are those special moments when we can pull the curtain and show you what we’ve been creating. Sometimes, it’s us telling you about your next adventure. Other times, like this week, we invoke an impartial, expert opinion.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b] It costs money to stream on Twitch, so why aren’t you watching it? [quote]“We can tell you all day long that our game is cool. When someone else is doing the talking, we all learn a little bit more about what awaits.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*: [/b] “If you have to tell people you’re “cool” then you’re actually “un-cool” duh every 5th grader knows this. So we’re paying someone to say we’re “Totally cool, and legit Yo!”…Unfortunately “Rad” wasn’t in our budget. [quote] “Recently, Game Informer sent a delegation of three Guardians to our studio. We opened our doors to them and gave them unfettered access to Destiny: Rise of Iron. Over the course of several days, we turned them into Iron Lords.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Game Informer sent over reporters, which we showed in cash, cocaine, and fine dining at Applebee’s. Now our “friends” have nothing but wonderful things to say about us. [quote]“What did they see from the top of Felwinter Peak? What did they learn in the depths of the Plaguelands? What did they think as they confronted the Devil Splicers? Let them tell you…”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] *cough* but only if you buy a magazine subscription. [quote]“Here’s what they’ve revealed so far.”[/quote] [b] *FAST TRANS*:[/b] [quote] “We’re on the cover!”[/quote] You get what you pay for! [quote] “Community artists can win some loot.”[/quote] Unless all you can draw is stick figures, and hilarious over the top “Titan figurine comics” [quote]“Artifacts are about to change the way you fight.”[/quote] Just what you need…Another currency! [quote]“You’ll have new ways to become more powerful.”[/quote] But only if you buy Rise of Iron. [quote]“Rise of Iron is the beginning of a new roadmap. (Spoiler: SRL!)”[/quote] Why can’t people understand that this Destiny 2, and it’s as good, as you’re going to get? [quote] “The story of the Iron Lords is one of bravery and redemption.”[/quote] Spoilers alert! …but only if you have a Game Informer subscription. [quote]“Game Informer will be talking about Rise of Iron all month long, so keep an eye on them. As these words were being written, we were looking forward to hearing their reactions on a podcast. Stay tuned to their coverage. There are more details to plunder from their words and videos. You’ll meet more members of the Bungie team.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Since we’re not a publically traded company we don’t have to share our revenue sources, or the fact we get a kickback for every magazine sold…Wait! DANG IT! [quote]“You’ll learn how to beat the new Raid! Actually, no you won’t. They’re saving those secrets for you. It's all safe to read.”[/quote] *Translation*: Not that you’ll get invited anyways, as no one even on LFG likes you. Not our fault Champ. [quote] “Award Winning Gear” [/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Shirts!! Look stylish as you proudly wear our extra revenue! ============================================================================== Deciding that there might be something neat inside, we tried everything from Xrays, to CAT scans to see if there was something inside, but nothing seemed to work! Finally we decided, “Eh, it was cheap” and started to hit it scientifically with sledge hammers… This didn’t work either. So we then decided to go home, and think of ways to blow this thing up, and went home for the night. Overnight something miraculous happened! Our lab monkeys became smarter, as they started using tools. The day after that the monkeys started using simple vowels in an attempt to communicate with us. By the 4th day they were quoting Shakespeare! I could see where this was going, after all Charlton Heston is one of Startec Labs biggest supporters. And no Monkey is going to make a Monkey out of me! The space obelisk had to go, but weighing in at a ton launching it back into Space wasn’t an option. And obviously we couldn’t manage to break the darn thing. So we honored the age old Scientific tradition of finding the deepest darkest hole on earth, and dropping it down it…Let’s just hope there’s no Monkeys down there, or we’re in trouble.