I take my pipe pistol and blow it's face off.

Embrace it's love

Coat myself in kerosene and as he licks me it gets on him. Leave my phone in the room and play my mixtape remotely. The intense heat of it burns puppymonkeybaby's face off and his insides as well. I remain unharmed.

Show him/her/it my glorious Futa collection.

-Be 19 -Living in my college town -Doing school things -Works at IHOP -Because college town, pancake joint be swinging -A group of four guys come in every night -Three are nice and tip well -One asshole -Asshole always gets six pancakes -After two months of dealing with them cannotdeal.jpg -Asshole's magnitude far outweighs his friends' likability -Slowly developing cancer from asshole radiation -He seems like he hasn't mentally evolved yet -Likely bordering retard status -Huge muskills though -Instead of going for direct confrontation, I make a decision -I am slowly and methodically going to -blam!- his mind -Every night, one pancake gets more penis-like in nature -About 4-6 degrees on the floppy Johnson every day -realslowlike.gif -Because I introduce the dickcake slowly he doesn't notice for awhile -I watch happily and giddily as he chokes the cockcake down -It begins to be the centerpiece of my day -He finally notices after it is a straight up honkin' dick -Added whipped cream at the end of the blueberry urethra -Theresastormcoming.jpg -One fateful night I personally deliver the dickcake -He looks me dead in the face and asks me -"Hey," *Deciphers nametag (Letters hurt him)* "A-an-no-on, Anon What is this shit?" -idontknow.jpg -"You better start talking or I'll talk to your manager." -Manager... We'll refer to him as "C" -C is my best friend -dastardlyplot.jpg -"I'll go get him for you -blam!- sir." -I sneak in " -blam!-" because I'm feeling extra alpha -He notices, not happy -I approach C and explain everything -He rotflmaobbqs all of it, every detail -He is in on the conspiracy now -Props to C for his improv work - He sneaks in about nine penis related puns into his talk with asshole -*Paraphrasing* "Sir, we don't just dick around back here. My employees didn't mess with your junk. You need more evidence than one penis shaped pancake" -Other tables hear and enjoy giggles -I'm dying in the kitchen -Asshole scowls, pays, and walks out -getlawyered.jpg -No way this mother-blam!-er will come back tomorrow -Just in case, C gets everyone on our shift in on it --blam!-er comes back -Sits in different zone so he doesn't need to deal with me -Doesn't matter -This was our night to bring hundreds of Phallic references into culinary form -An army of workers ready to bring penis into every open conversation -We were armed and ready -It was no ordinary penis assault -This was the All Hallows Eve of cock -All us workers replaced our nametags with a penis reference -Chuck, Dick, Peter, Johnson, and the asian busboy? Dong -We all stuffed to front of our pants with socks to give a noticeable bulge -We plan the attack in waves -Phase one begins -"Johnson" takes orders waving bulge in assholes face -Asshole's order: Mother -blam!-ing Pancakes -fool.jpg -Cue "Dick" -He brings drinks, spilling asshole's on his cock region -Total improv -"Dick" furiously cleans his pants inches form asshole's face -Uproar in the kitchen -Other tables are getting shitty service this evening -#Worth -Two more waves pass -Asshole stands -Kitchen goes silent -He walks to the kitchen -Dohshit -TROOLINTHEDUNGEON.gif -We scatter -C takes over and calms him down -Should have been a counselor -Commence final wave -Asshole had seen "Dong" clean up "Dick's" spill and had caught wind of out nametags after that -I stroll out -He looks pissed as -blam!- -I hand him not one, but six straight up cocks, no disputing -Bacon pubes, Cherry herpes, Whipped cream jizz -My nametag for this evening? -Penis -He rages and punches me cold -Wake up in the hospital -All employees standing around my bed -Wake up to applause -Broken nose -Still #Worth -Never see asshole again -From that point on, we where know as IHOC -International House Of Cock

Grab the sharpest thing nearby and shove it up the things ass