They tried to hide the truth from our ASSHAT (Anti Spin Super Hyper Advanced Translator). But how a Meth Addict can strip a building of all its copper wire in days, ASSHAT can strip any publication for its truth in a matter of hours…Science! > Rhetoric. [quote]“This week at Bungie we’re bringing Osiris back.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] Now that’s there’s competition on the market, we’re going to wow you by giving you a piece of content you already paid for back to you. [quote]“After much talk and anticipation, along with an unexpected delay to bring Nightstalker shenanigans under control, the battle for the Lighthouse is about to resume. To those about to fight, we salute you.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] You almost got away with easy Osiris loot!…Crisis adverted!. [quote] “By very stark contrast, if you don’t want to fight the PvP Elite, you’re still invited to dance”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] We don’t care if you PVE players are unhappy with the complete lack of new content…You can still dance, that’s something right? [quote]“Festival of the Lost is upon us. Have you been to the Tower? Like what we’ve done with the place?”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]: Please log in…Pretty please! Halo doesn’t have all this spooky music, and expensive masks for you to buy! [quote] “There’s plenty to celebrate and discuss this week. Let’s unmask all the details about what is afoot in the world of Destiny.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Let’s subliminally mention masks again. Those are cooler then Halo right? ….Please log back on before it’s too late. . [quote]“Try Harder”[/quote] [b]Translation*: [/b]Unless you are a “MLG” PVP player, we’re not listening…Now run along and go happy dance you PVE content demanding jerks. It’s your fault that we invested your $40 dollars into piles of cocaine, and not dedicated servers, so don’t cry to us when your 9-0 win is stolen by induced lag. [quote]“Since its hiatus during the launch of The Taken King, we’ve talked about how this competitive event will be different in Year Two”. [/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Surprise!!! Iron banner and Kings Fall hard isn’t the only thing that’s taken a major loot hit. ToO Quick Summary: [quote]“Requires a minimum Character Level of 40”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b]– To keep all those pesky non-TTK rift raft out. [quote] “Requires a minimum Light of 251; Recommended Light is 290. Winning teams now receive Trials gear rewards directly at the end-of-match completion” [/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b]– You can't get anything good from Kings Fall hard mode to rank up, so you won’t be able to get anything good from ToO…The circle is now complete. [quote] “Players that go undefeated on their Passage will continue to be invited to The Lighthouse” [/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b]– Lag switch?...We didn’t see no lag switch…Wink wink ;) “ [quote] “Players may continue to play in the Trials past 9 wins (but rewards are maxed out at 9 wins)”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]:-Rewards will be maxed out across all 3 players, just like all current currencies in the game. [quote] “Trials Passages now have a Details page containing your BoonsPlayer must now purchase Boons from the Details page on their Passage instead of from Brother Vance Boons can no longer be applied to Trials passages after starting a run.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]:-If Brother Vance suddenly goes missing…Don’t worry kids, he’ll be back in just in time for Christmas accepting your generous silver donations, and selling you a cheap trip to the lighthouse. [quote]“Trials gear can be purchased from Brother Vance (including some items found at the Lighthouse)”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b]-Brother Vance prefers the term generous donations, so he can write them off as charity…. Wait why didn’t we think of that?? [quote] “Brother Vance now has Bounties that award Legendary Marks”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]:-Still don’t have enough, but refuse to play ToO?... Just go happy dance in the tower already…At least the sweeper bot likes you. [quote] “Crucible Bounties can now also be completed in Trials of Osiris” [/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b]-You know, so you’re not completely wasting all your time, if you want to rob others of sweet victory after visiting the light house. (Psst we love you, MLG 4 Life!!!) [quote] “Matchmaking has been updated to make it more competitive to reach The Lighthouse” [/quote] [b]*Translation*:-[/b]Get ready to keep facing that MLG team that wiped you out last time…The grind is real, noob! [quote]“Them’s the facts. If you want a more philosophical explanation of our goals for the competitive event, we scared up Senior Designer Derek Carroll to share some thoughts about our hopes and dreams for your next trial.”[/quote] [b] IMPUT ERROR!!! 563eTLDR… NOTE:[/b] (This is kind of embarrassing, sometimes the fluff of the article is so deep, ASSHAT confuses it with the sound of the teacher in “Charlie Brown”. We apologize for the inconvenience, but have provided the translation for future reference. –CBRSTAR) [quote] “Wah waa wha wahhh whaa. Waa Whaa whhhaa wahh wah. 50% of their games (the goal of most matchmaking systems),” [/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]:-We don’t know math at Bungie, but we’re pretty sure the probability of 9-0 = 50% so whaa wahh wahh. [quote]Wwaw waaw wahh waha. “PvP Sherpas were even conducting Lighthouse safaris Whhaa players who couldn’t get twaaawe under their own power.” [/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]:-Don’t like the grind?, you can pay that neighbor whiz kid to do it for you. Wahh wahh wah, Now go Dance monkeys! [quote] “everyone. Well, almost everyone. Half of everyone?”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b]– Waaahh! Our player base has dropped off dramatically,.. Wah wah waaa. [quote] With greater risk will come even greater reward.[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b]–Kings fall hard = Not risky enough…So quit crying about it and be prepared to play ToO if you are sick of getting blues after hours and hours of game time. [quote]Whaa wawa waaa, you’ll be able to lord your rewards over the losing team.[/quote] *Translation*:– Everyone will know how MLG you are with your shiny new banner, and BTW PVE players….-WAAAA-you. Sincerely, Bungie. [quote] Will you be the final boss for another PvP warrior? As always, the arena for this week will be revealed at game time. See you in the Reef. Bring your Passage Coins, and a team to revive you when the chips are down.[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] We love PVP because it’s so much cheaper to make. This way you don’t need content or a pesky linear story line… Hey those Christmas bonus checks don’t write themselves! Sorry folks as for the next part of the weekly update the ASSHAT was starting to run low on alcohol and cheetos, err we mean fuel, and was required somewhere spooky to translate spooky stuff. Not that we believe any of that, as we are true scientists. Please stay tuned and have a fun and exciting Halloween