Listen up Destiny community because I'm here to bring order to the lawless. Who am I you ask, I'm a guy with internet access, a basic command of the English language and three level 40 characters so you damn better recognize my authority less you face my impotent rage.
There are only certain tactics, weapons and abilities that I approve of being used against me in the crucible.
No more more year one OP weapons such as:
Gjallarhorn
Felwinters lie
Party crasher +1
Thorn
Hawkmoon
Last word
You know what, lets make this easy you noobs... NO YEAR ONE WEAPONS
Git gud and use year 2 weapons (except the sword, I'm warning you, no more f'ing swords) but make sure you use them correctly. which takes me to
Tactics and Abilities
No more sliding in with a shot gun and shooting me. It's BS and you know it, you scrub.
No blink shotguns. I don't care if its been nerfed. I don't have time to figure out how to stop it so stop doing it.
Titans, no more shoulder charge. Let's have a little class and keep out of my personal space. It's a noob tactic, do something else and earn your kills
I know this isn't a weapon but no more ram head armor Warlock. You are supposed to be a glass cannon, stop being a tank. Know your role.
Hey you, Hunter. Stop turning invisible. Don't make it hard for me to find you. Be a man and face me. You sure as hell better not blink blade dance.
No more sunbreakers Titans. That's not Mjolnir and you are damn sure not Thor. That shit is OP, go back to blowing bubbles.
Destiny community you have been officially warned to cease and desist your scrub like playstyle and git gud like me.
If these guidelines are not adhered to I will institute strict rules of engagement where each guardian will stand back to back, take ten paces, turn and fire. Does that sound fun to you? Huh does it? Get your shit together Destiny community or else. You don't even want to see me unleash the full powers of angry posts at my disposal upon these forums.
These rules are subject to change as I deem fit based on my KD ratio.
But whatever you do. Do not try to encounter me in the real world. Real interactions are scary and dangerous.
[b]Edit[/b]: Why is no one taking me seriously? Heed my warning heathens. I'm trying to save us. I have just sat, ire, watching this community descend into chaos. If Bungie isn't going to do something I will...
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The amount of people taking this hilarious and properly satiric post seriously is scary...
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There should be one rule for PVP.... GET AN ACTUAL WORKING INTERNET CONNECTION. Rift is an absolute pisstake when the spark carrier literally jumps on your screen and cannot be killed.
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1 ReplyWant some cheese with that whine scrub?
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1 ReplyYou deserve a good solid tea bagging for the time I'm not getting back from reading this post.
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1 ReplyLast Word was already nerfed and yet you're going to try to ban it from Crucible? So I can't use it even though I use it the way it was supposed to be used?!
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Bruh I'm rolling
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*Clapping for proper satire* Bravo sir
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1 ReplyTbh this is better than 90% of things labeled "satire" on here
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6 RepliesAnother butthurt whiny destiny fanboy haha gtfo
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2 RepliesWell, I think only basic melees should be allowed. Guns, grenades, supers, and anything else are stupid and should not be used. And you better listen because I have two level 40 characters! Because almost [i]no one[/i] has two yet. [spoiler]Like this idea? Read the original post again and see the similarities.[/spoiler]
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1 ReplyCan I use just one more sword to get my last Exotic bounty done? I swear I won't use them anymore... Please please please?
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Impotent rage? They make a pill for that.
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Is it a loophole if I use a 2.0 red death?
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To all fgts like OP, please reply here so I can mute you. Thank you.
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1 ReplyWhat the -blam!- did you just -blam!-ing say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I have the top K/D on both consles, and I’ve been involved in secret raids on Oryx, and I have over 200 confirmed solo kills. I am trained with the Traveler and turned him into my pupil. I’m the top sniper in the Rusted Lands, Shores of Time, and Anomoly. You are nothing to me but just another dreg. I will wipe you out the same way I wiped Crota out and convince him to start carrying a sword . You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again. As we speak I am contacting the president of Bungie and your gamertag is being traced right now so we can be matched in our own private match, maggot. You’re -blam!-ing dead, warlock. I can kill you in over one hundred ways, and that’s just with my Khovstov. Not only am I extensively trained in the Crucible, but I have access to the entire arsenal of current, past, and upcoming exotic weapons, and I will use them to their full extent to wipe your ass off the face the moon, you little shit. If only you could have known how many Truth rockets that little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. You didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will Nova Bomb all over you and you will drown in the space magic. You're fu
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2 RepliesNo shotguns. I agree. But swords? You do know it's part of the exotic sword quest right? 25 guardian kills. Put #satire next time bud
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You had me at get rid of felwinters/party crashes/matador, couldn't agree more, they are the only thing currently wrong with destiny's pvp(not counting lag)The rest of your post is you basically banning everything in the game?
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9 RepliesLol Xbox just got hawkmoon and you don't expect us to use it?
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1 ReplyNeveeeer! I will be a blade dancer with blink max agility TLW, Felwinter's, The Ash Factory
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I first I thought this was serious but this is hilarious XD
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5 Replieswhy are you whining so much giving bad tips... why are you giving advice anyways with bad stats.. if anyone wants to see OP crap stats.. here you go http://destinytracker.com/destiny/player/ps/yourvillain
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2 RepliesI will never put my no land beyond down to you! [spoiler]NEVER[/spoiler]
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I'll be sure to give you an extra taste of my balls. Cheers, bro
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1 ReplyI use: Year one Last Word/Red Death Longbow/Matador The Dreamwaker I use extreme scrub tactics too.
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2 RepliesI love using my year1 weapons in PvP :) I earned 'em, so I'll keep on using 'em.
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5 RepliesMy only rule: If I kill you, I put my nuts in youre face.