[u][b]A Dream's Surprise[/b][/u] I was in a twilight sky, walking amidst millions of stars. One would think it beautiful, but the appearance only shrouded the night's true heart. I was freezing, numb, and rejected of warmth from every light there. Alone, I wandered the sky's expanse, desperate for even the smallest of flames just to feel something. I don't know how long I aimlessly roamed, but eventually I collapsed. My body felt like the heaviest of stones and my skin was covered with brittle ice. Even the tears borne of solitude shed from long before were frozen upon my face. There I lied, eyes closed, waiting to be altogether consumed by the wintry maw the celestial sea of sirens had concealed so well... Until I felt a lone tear stream down my face. A tenderness tickled my stinging skin, and in moments I could feel again. Freed from my cold shackles, a newfound desperation drove me toward the promising hope. All I wanted to do was bask within its heart. It had been the only welcoming presence that opened its arms up to me. Shortly thereafter I realized I was no longer coming closer to this jewel. I could still feel its emanating warmth, but the sensation was beginning to slip away. I had not once felt anything so comforting, and the rising sun became the harbinger to my despair. I grew frantic and helpless. No matter how hard I struggled against the invisible tide, I was paralyzed and couldn't even brush my fingertips along the only light that had kindness for me. I was forced to watch my hope fail and loneliness find a strengthened hold over my heart, sinking its sinister claws deep within so I would carry the pain for an eternity. Daylight had broken through the distant clouds and all of the stars vanished from sight. Even the only one I desired diminished with the arriving heat hiding its one of a kind touch. Amidst the presence of the blazing sun I felt just as cold and empty as I had in the hell before, and I continued to wander the sky, hoping night would fall again just so that I would have another chance to find that light in the darkest of worlds. Then I woke up before the dream finished. I never wanted to believe it, but for so long I feared that was the ending--that there wasn't a happy one. The years to follow seemed to support that thought, but I stubbornly refused to accept it. I'm not like people who toss love around casually. So many jump at the chance to overstate their true feelings for a person, and when the worth of my heart's voice found that undeniable and certain truth far from the realm of dishonesty and deception, my words burned as soon as I spoke and the ashes drifted away, riding upon the back of swiftly passing gales. After coming to know what it felt like, I despised the fact that love became no more than a falsity in this world--a simplified means to a meaningless end. I was in love, truly, for many years with a woman I counted a divine blessing. With confidence, I can say few have attained such a relationship as the one I shared with her, and even though for a time I felt that this bestowed grace was misplaced on the likes of me, I came to delight in its peace. Once we were inseparable. We knew each other so well, even the smallest and most fleeting of exchanged looks spoke a thousand words. As each other's rocks, there were none we would sooner turn to for comfort. Once we were beyond content with the fact that no one else existed for us, and even if we were the last people left on the face of the earth, we would be happy. Until mistakes were made. See, I was a soldier without a rifle or whatever expression you prefer that stands equivalent to the fact that I had never been in love before. Unfamiliar territory is the best way I can describe it and saying I was getting outclassed would be an understatement. We attempted to continue in the manner we had for so long, but things just weren't the same between us. Before I knew it she disappeared, and there was seemingly no way I could get her back at my side. I told her that I loved her, but I didn't think she ever really understood the gravity of my confession because of the misfortune love suffers from in this day and age. I watched her slip further and further away from me, and even when I acquired the courage to try to restore our relationship, my efforts failed utterly. I wrestled with the reality that going back and doing things right was feeling like an impossibility. For all of those years on the opposite side of a vast rift, searching for a bridge, I carried the hope of reviving who we were, but every one appeared to be burned and lost in the abyss below. In my extensive bouts of depression, there were very many times I tried to find a silver lining to my torment. I did care about her more than those who haven't been in my shoes can imagine. There was nothing more I wanted than for her to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. You have no idea how hard admitting that was, and I had done so frequently. Not once did the distance decrease. Not once did it look like that fire would burn again. I watched someone else live my dream, and I knew undoubtedly there was no way anyone could possibly love her more than I did. The difference between me and any other man was like comparing heaven and earth. But that didn't matter. She couldn't have been happier anywhere other than where she was, and it wasn't with me. I still clutched onto the dying hope, refusing to see it extinguished but when I was honest with myself, I knew it was only a matter of time. And there was nothing I could do about it. Not one woman I met after ever succeeded in stealing my heart from her grasp, let alone closely contest for it. My capacity to love was limited to this one person who meant the world and more to me. No one else could ever make me happy... Or so I thought. The day I feared came and I was struggling against the painful implication that the greatest days of my life spent with her would never breathe again, and the bones would remain forever unreachable in the sea's depths. With that burden initially tearing my spirit to shreds, a creeping revelation struck me. You see, another girl, whom I'd counted a close friend and had been talking to for two years, had time and time again proven to be unique beyond compare, counting my love. It was strange for me to think that once I considered this "angel from the east" one of those whom had fallen so very short. But I was brought to reflect upon my many conversations with her. Often times, in many of my darkest days, she was there to comfort me, even if she didn't know she was. How many times she effortlessly put a smile on my face in the two years I'd known her was beyond my reckoning. I had never really appreciated her so much until that day, and as the hours and days passed, my world was flipped upside down. This woman, whose voice I hadn't even heard, displayed an odd measure of so much curiosity and care into me that I began to doubt if I even wanted to be with the woman I had loved for so long. For those extremely few that knew just how much this girl meant to me knew how huge this change was. Even I didn't know what to think. As time continued to pass away, I found myself less and less drawn to her, even content with the separation we experienced. This new spark that was ignited had me contemplating things that never once occurred to me before. So many dim and lonely hours passed, and the eastern angel was sooner there than my only love was. Often times, this girl engaged in conversations with me before I had the chance to. She had so many opportunities over the previous two years to sever all connections with me but she hadn't. She was still there, and for all I could tell that's where she wanted to be. It was then I revisited the memory of that dream and I began to wonder. Maybe my happiness isn't found in the twilight or its stars. Maybe it's in the daylight. Even with so much literal distance between us, the warmth this eastern angel offered was far more powerful and vibrant compared to the star I found myself detaching from. I almost laughed at the thought that the sun rises in the east and it takes it a little while to set over here in the west. Took me long enough to notice, but I'm starting to feel a new hope rising with the dawn. Before I never wanted to accept the possibility that the love I experienced was just a lesson for the days to come, but now in the midst of brighter ones, I feel more at peace with the fact that maybe that was its purpose, so that I could do things right next time. One of the last things I ever learned in these long years filled with tragic experiences was putting my past love to the stake, but not before witnessing the unbelievable stealing of my heart from her hands. An indescribable burden was lifted from my shoulders, and most of what I felt was unbridled appreciation. My hopes for her haven't waned in the least. I still hope she finds true happiness, but I'm coming to peace with the fact that mine's not with her. There is better out there, for me at least. I'm not going to settle for second best and I'm not going to treat myself as if I am. My heart's a big one and at one time I would have seen it wither away into nothingness for the sake of someone I loved, but now I know it deserves someone who sees it as a priceless trove full of affection that she alone is deserving of. A love that she can hold as her own and never doubt. Whoever she is, I will not see her happiness as well as my own sacrificed with my heart's martyrdom. I will not see this new hope extinguish. Somewhere my light is waiting for me. Whether or not I've found her has yet to be discovered, but for now, my gaze is set eastward, searching for her in the sunlit sky.