What did the homeless orphan get for Christmas? [spoiler] [/spoiler]

Do you still think Deej is a good community manager?

So there were 4 men flying in a plane over the ocean and it went down (must have been a Malaysia Airlines flight). Luckily they crashed near an island and they swam ashore. As the 4 men were recovering on the beach a war party of the island's natives came upon them carrying spears and bows. The natives told the men "Do as we say and we won't kill you. Now each of you go into the jungle and bring us some fruit." The task was easy enough so the 4 men went into the jungle. Soon the first man came out carrying an apple. He gave it to the natives and they told him, "Stick that whole fruit into your ass and we'll let you live in our village and marry one of our women, fail and we'll cut off your head." Left with no choice the first man tried to stick the apple up his ass, but he couldn't do it so they chopped off his head. After a short while the second man emerged carrying abanana, The natives told him the same thing, but try as he might he couldn't get the last bit of stem up his ass so they chopped off his head. At last the third man came out of the jungle carrying just a handful of berries. He was told to stick them up his ass too, so he sat down and started popping them in one at a time. He had only one more to go when suddenly he laughed and all the berries came flying out of his ass, leading the natives to chop off his head. Now in the afterlife the 3 dead men reunite and one of them asks the third man, "You almost made it. You had just one more berry to put up your ass, why did you laugh?" and the third man replied: "I saw Jerry walk out of the jungle carrying a -blam!-ingpineapple.

How do you kill a blue elephant? [spoiler]with a blue elephant gun of course[/spoiler] How do you kill a pink elephant? [spoiler]hold its trunk till it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun[/spoiler]

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Americans are like the Cabal, there 800 pounds and highly militarized

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Why is there a fence around cemeteries? [spoiler] people are dying to get in![/spoiler]

One day a man traveling through the Himalayas stumbles upon a monks' temple. Weary from travel and short on water, he decides to pound the door and see if they will take him in for the night so that he may rest and gather more supplies. A stout, bald-headed man opens the door. "How may I help you?" Says he. The man pleads to come in and rest. "You may, but only for the night. This is one of our most sacred temples, one very few ever set eyes on, let alone enter." The man enters in and follows the monk through the temple. On the way to his room, he looks around and sees that the temple is a vast labyrinth of beautiful bonsai trees, ancient relics, and large collections of fine gems. Looking at the ceiling, more than 40 feet high, he sees diamond chandeliers that twist the light, reflecting it in ways that make the tiniest details stand out with color. The man proclaims it is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. "We do not hold material values such as appearance to a high standard here, but it is a wonderful scene" replies the monk. As they reach the door to his room, the man heard a shrill scream. He turned in alarm, and in front of him was a small, unassuming door in stark contrast to all of the other beautiful things surrounding them. "What is behind that door that makes someone scream so?" Says the man. "That is our most ancient secret," the monk replies. "It is the reason that we remain this isolated, so as few outsiders as possible could discover it." The man persists, inquiring as to why he cannot be aloud to see it. He suspects torture, or some ancient suicide ritual or another horror. "You may not see what is behind that door because you are not one of us!" Said the monk. The man is quickly led to his room, where the monk lets him in. "Do not leave this room for any reason," says the monk, "or we may be forced to make you leave." After hours of hearing intermittent screaming from the room, he could no longer hold back his curiosity. He had to see what was in that room. The man quietly snuck through his door, and went to the doorway. As soon as he grabbed the handle of the room, a hand grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. The short monk was there, with a stern face. "You cannot know the secret of my people!" The monk emphatically exclaimed. "It is not for outsiders to know!" The man was sent to his room, which was promptly locked behind him. He had a sleepless night hearing the screams and desiring to know what could possibly be behind that door. The next day, the man was preparing to leave when a flake of snow landed. "A storm is coming, and as much as I resent it you must stay another couple of nights, as the snow makes this travel perilous for days on end," the monk resigned. For days, the man kept the same routine. Wake up, eat and listen. Listen to the sounds on the other side of that door, the sounds that he had never heard made by a human before. He lasted three days before he broke. He begged and pleaded to at least learn what was on the other side of that door. He had to know. "I can't tell you because you are not a monk," the monk said. "But if it will sate your curiosity, I will tell you it is the closest to perfection a human being can witness in this world." This made the man even more obsessed. His spare time consisted of staring at the door, trying to decipher the meaning of the sound, the reason for it. On the supposed last day of his stay, the monk approached him while he sat there. "Do you want to behold this secret? It will change you; you shall never be the same and you can never go back." The monk said. "To view it, you must become one of us." The man devoted himself to his studies. He worked the garden, learned the language, mastered his body. After many long months, his head was shaved and he joined them. His curiosity about the door remained. On the first day of his being a part of them, he approached the monk. "Is it my time? Do I finally get to view the wonders behind that door?" The monk nodded once, and pulled out a key Made of pure stardust. Walking through the temple, the monk led the man to the door. He entered the key, and the door was opened. Eager to view this miraculous sight for himself, the man rushed through. He was met with a view of a dark room, dimly lit by a candle. Another door laid on the other side. The monk pulled out a key of quicksilver next, and unlocked that door. On the other side laid another door. This process continued; a key of gold, a key of diamond, a key of obsidian, even a key of bone. When he reached the last door, the monk handed the man a small rusty key and lay prostrate on the floor, bowing as low as he could. The man entered the key in the door, and as the key slowly creaked, and the doorknob slowly turned, and the door opened with an ever increasing anticipation, a beam of light shine through. And the man saw, in that room, the most amazing, beautiful, impossible thing he had ever seen. What was it? [spoiler]I can't tell you, because you are not a monk yet lol[/spoiler]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..." Husband (watching a video): Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass! Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching? Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

Peter goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as Peter was going out he returns and says,"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike a luck there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as Peter was leaving again he turns back and says "Give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move. During dinner, Peter sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the Dad walks in, Peter lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer. "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us". 10minutes after, Peter was still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ...." Ten minutes go by, and Peter is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, and his girlfriend was even more surprised than others. She gets close to him and whispered, "I didn't know you are so religious. Peter with his head still on the table replies, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

A hunter walked into a bar.... Because no one would carry him.