"A few days ago, as many of you know, I lost my best friend in the whole wide world. I speak of course, of My Penis. I can’t remember a time in my life that he wasn’t there. When I was a kid, I would wake up every day and play with him. Playtime was anywhere from two minutes to an hour depending on how excited he was. Sometimes my mom would barge in when I was playing with My Penis and she would get all flustered and embarrassed for intruding on such a private moment. I didn’t care though. In fact, I’d ask her if she wanted to join in. The more people that played with My Penis, the better! My Penis was by no means a small creature. He may have started out that way, but pretty soon women and small children were fainting at the sight of him. My own grandmother played with My Penis one night and had to be revived with some particularly strong smelling salts. Nevertheless, we all had a good laugh about the whole thing and grandma even managed to finish playing with him. My brother was always jealous of My Penis, but My Penis never returned the jealousy. In fact, whenever my brother begrudgingly expressed his desire to play with him, I was more than happy to oblige. Sometimes his girlfriend would join in. Those days were really fun. My Penis was the happiest he had ever been. One day I woke up and I saw that My Penis wasn’t there. I started panicking, ran downstairs, and started bellowing “MY PENIS IS MISSING.” For some reason the neighbors wanted me to go to the hospital, but I refused. I knew he was still around here. My grandpa suggested the damn Japs had eaten him. I reminded grandpa that Mr. Li was Chinese but grandpa got really angry and racist so I just left him alone. After hours of searching, I found My Penis on the side of the road. He was dirty, bloody, and detached from me in some way. I couldn’t figure out why though, so I took him to a doctor. The doctor cured him, and I was able to leave the hospital with My Penis. It was truly glorious. So it pains me to come to My Penis’s unfortunate death. He was having sex with some bitch, when he just keeled over on all fours and didn’t wake up. My Penis will surely be missed. He was the best dog any man could ask for."