Chapter 8 Erm…Two…err…oh! That little guy wants to WHAT?! After spending a long time trying (and failing) to come up with a good chapter name, I think I’ll just carry on with the story. Master Chef and Clippit teleported onto the ledge of the Control Centre, overlooking the huge depression with the concentric circles. “So you’re telling me that the Mud can infect anything?” Chef asked. “As long as contains significant calcium levels within its biomass, yes.” “What about plants?” “Not quite, but maybe evolution will allow such an event in the future.” “Oh…” Clippit floated over to the control panel. “Now,” it said, “place the USB plug into this socket.” Chef did. Nothing happened. “What…?” “Surprise!” shouted Cort, appearing as a hologram and then electrocuting the nearest projector, removing Clippit’s image from the situation. “Cort, what…” “Have you been having fun?” Cort asked sarcastically. “I haven’t. My memory is overloaded with information here, I’m on the brink of breaking down, and then there’s YOU trying to kill us all with that ANNOYING BASTARD!” “Cort,” said Chef, soothingly, “calm down! He’s here to help!” “Help you do what?” asked Cort angrily, “Do you know?” “Well, not exactly,” Chef replied, scratching the back of his head, “but it somehow activates Hola, wiping out the Mud! See, I do know! Ha!” “I’ll be having that!” said Cort, swiping the Catalogue from the panel, it appearing as a hologram in her hand. Suddenly, another projector blinked on, and Clippit flew into view again. “What are you doing?!” it shouted. “Get out! Get out of the core, you’ll ruin the mainframe!” “Am I bovverd?” Cort quipped. You Americans probably didn't get that. “I’ll go and delete you myself if you do not comply!” “Will you now?” asked Cort, the hologram of the Catalogue floating into her holographic body. “And the Catalogue too?” “£$%&!” fumed Clippit. “I’m sorry,” said Cort, “I didn’t quite catch that. Something about “pound, dollar, percentage…”” “Stop!” shouted Chef. “The Mud have been unleashed! We need to stop them! Cort, do it now! Activate Hola!” “You still don’t get it, do you?” said Cort. “This thing was built to eliminate the Mud through headaches. The Catalogue is an ancient MP3 player containing only one song: The Cheeky Song by the Cheeky Girls. Hola is shaped like a giant speaker, broadcasting the crap music throughout space, giving all life a life-threatening headache and vibrating their bodies at just the right frequency to kill them! It’s a WMD!” “No wai…” “No? Assistant, what is this Platform for?” “Primarily, it transmits sound waves of critically and commercially dire music across the galaxy, eliminating and brainwashing the hosts of the Mud, i.e. all sentient life. But I didn’t need to tell you that…why did you need to ask?” “Hate to say I told you so…” muttered Cort, trailing off. “We must continue this protocol,” insisted Clippit, “continue to activate the Platform.” “What are those…?” Cort asked. “Hurry! We must act quickly!” “We need to go, Chef!” Chef stuck his finger into the hole and Cort zapped back into his helmet. “Do not hesitate! The Mud spreads as we speak!” “Move! Go! Now!” “If you will not aid me, you are my enemy.” “Why are you standing still?!” “I will simply find another Disclaimer. Still, I require the Catalogue. Give me your computer program.” “No! Don’t!” “No? Then I shall simply have my Sent-‘n’-alls remove her.” It turned to its aides gathering around Chef. “Remove the head. Do not let the Mud gain access to the rest. Destroy it. Burn it with your weapons.” The hologram flickered and then went out, leaving Chef with the Sent-‘n’-alls to disembowel him. As the clawed robots closed in on him, Chef punched them and picked up parts of their fallen chasses, flinging the metal at the robots with lasers. As the latter fell onto the catwalk, Chef walked up to them and tried to rip out their lasers, but they were literally welded on. “It’s like a gun is pointed at the head of the universe,” he said. “Terrible.” As was that reference. “We cannot let the Assistant activate Hola,” said Cort. “How are we going to stop him…?” “You could log back in to the mainframe and track him down and kick his ass?” suggested Chef. “Or I could log in to the mainframe, track him down, and then kick his ass,” said Cort to Chef’s annoyance. “Nah, he’s too powerful. There’s only one thing for it…” “Could we destroy Hola?” asked Chef. “No, something even better…we destroy Hola.” After exiting the Control Centre, Chef spotted something highly unusual. The Coverup forces were fighting against the Sent-‘n’-alls. It appeared the three enemies hated each other as much as they hated the humans. “Just running some calculations…” said Cort. “The Caterpillar of Springtime crashed somewhere on the disc, right? The ship’s engines are big enough to cause a huge explosion…enough to destroy Hola.” “So we need to track down the ship, do we?” asked Chef, watching the Coverup/Sent-‘n’-all brawl. “Dammit, I want some popcorn!” After the battle finished, Chef mopped up the survivors and exited the hall, walking out on top of the pyramid and admiring the view. “Hola’s power source is three Energon™ Generators, and the Assistant and the Sent-‘n’-alls will be trying to find another way of activating Hola without the Catalogue. If we destroy the Generators, they will have to repair them, and we will have some time. That’s what we need to do.” “There’s another way of activating Hola?” Chef asked incredulously. “The Catalogue isn’t the only thing that has…that song stored on it. They could always hook up to the Internet and download it.” “Oh God,” shivered Chef. “Multiple downloads of the Ch…” “Don’t say it!” warned Cort. Chef moved down the pyramid, picking up a rocket launcher, and shooting the Wrave at the bottom. All in a day’s work for a TARTAN-II. “So where are these Energon™ Generators, then?” he asked. “Well, you’ll need a Banscreen to get to them…they’re up in the cliff faces around the ravine.” “What?” cried Chef, looking at a ledge in the cliff, “Up there?” “Yep.” Chef moved towards a conveniently placed Banscreen and once again struggled to lift it into the air, as did all before him. “Up, up and away!” cheered Cort. Chef paused. “What?” “I sad…ahem…I said, erm…up, up and away…” She trailed off. “This is hardly the time for happy, shiny catchphrases, is it? Try to think before you open your…activate your speaker.” “Sorry…sir.” Chef instantly let go of the controls and the Banscreen fell about a metre out of the sky onto the ground. “Why did you call me…?” “Chef, go! We need to break those Generators!” “She says.” Chef stayed leaning outside of the Banscreen as they approached the ledge so he could see where to land. As he leaned back in to adjust the craft, he didn’t see a L33t walk out having heard the commotion of a Banscreen scraping on the cliff. The L33t walked out to check out all the scraping, and noticed a Banscreen grinding against the cliff wall.“That ought to do it,” announced the pilot. The back lifted and a tartan human emerged. “Oh no,” it said. As the Banscreen plummeted, the human leapt off it and grabbed the edge of the ledge (budum tsh), holding on with its armour plated fingers. No, wait. It's just like cloth or foam or something, isn't it? The L33t approached the edge and looked over, seeing the human dangling above the gorge. “Hello, Chequered One,” said the L33t, resting a foot/hoof on the human’s fingers. “Hiya,” it replied. “I would very much like to see a body crushed and broken at the bottom of the gorge,” the L33t told it, putting more weight on the its fingers. “So do I,” said the human. In an amazing display of dexterity, it grabbed the L33t’s ankle and yanked it over the edge. It wasn’t actually that amazing. He used his other hand. “AAARGH!” said the L33t. “The Energon™ Generator should be through that door,” said Cort. Chef stepped through. “That’s an elevator!” he frowned, confused somewhat.