So there I was, on my way to the Tower after a long battle against Atheon, Crota, and Skolas. Eager to see what secrets my engrams would reveal. I arrived at the tower, many Guardians awaiting. My friends piled against a wall of guardians waiting for their turn to access their vaults. At first, it was silent, silent murmurs along other Guardians, a group of Hunters playing witht he purple ball, A titan talking to the postmaster, and a warlock trying to get down with Tess. I went to the gunsmith, needed syntheses. Went to the bounty bot, needed XP. And finally.... Rahool. All of a sudden, a Guardian screamed "Rahool gave me a Gjallarhorn!!" All hell broke loose. Guardians stomping each other, making their way towards Rahool. A hunter blasted the purple into the first group approaching Rahool, hitting one titan on the head, he panicked and unleashed his havoc, thinking there was Fallen near by. Corpses of electrified Guardians flying around the Tower. A hunter avenged his friend by pulling a golden gun on the Titan, I ran to cover, because the bullshit was real. A warlock self rezed and bombarded everyone with grenades. It was chaos... Every guardian fighting to be the one who reaches Rahool first. Golden gun bullets flying, titans fisting into oblivion, warlock pushing Guardians off the Tower. The Speak arrived, but a trip mine got in his way, the poor bastard tried at least, his last words "I could've tell you" I saw Xur in the shadows... What was his plans? Suddenly I heard a scream, coming from the Vaults, A guardian managed to sneak past the bloodbath and Rahool gave the Guardian a Hawkmoon. This was about to turn into a massacre. All Guardians fought each other, I saw this warlock, up in the air, unleashing his nova bomb into a group of Titans. Poor bastard got disintegrated by a golden gun, the hunter was vaporized by a Titan's smash, and the Titan triped over the purple ball and fell to his death. One of the vaults was destroyed... Many exotic weapons lay on the ground... Oh the horror of greedy Guardians... A Warlock was with her child after not seeing him for 2 years... Poor lady got blasted away by a blade dancer making his way to the loot. A Titan helping an elderly woman up the stairs ate a nova bomb to the face. I was scared... Still hiding. Everyone was unleashing chaos in the Tower. The Speaker in pieces, Eris finally fell from the Tower, The Gunsmith was waiting for the next Guardian... Hell, even the broom-bot was kicking ass with his broom of light. He wielded that broom like a sword and fought Titans like a knight. Never saw so much badassery. 1800 hours... I can still hear the commotion outside. The Tower has been evacuated, Guardians screaming in pain... This is a nightmare. I wonder if my friends are still alive. 2 wounded exos found my hiding spot, I let them in. One of them lost an eye, the other is missing the jaw. Oil everywhere. When will this madness end? Day 2... Chaos still going on. I heard someone scream that Lord Saladbar caught a Sunsinger's grenade and that he just walked it off, fisted the poor Warlocks... I even heard a Titan say "He is even punching the etheric light out of them" Looks like the Iron Banana finally got on his nerves. The wounded exo finally leaked to death... His friend grabbed his jaw piece and repaired himself with it. Chaos is so intense even robots can turn into cannibals. I am an exo too... But I am not wounded, I can fight. But the moment I walk out there, I'll go in a blaze of glory and bullshit. I can see through a little crack on the wall... Green bullets light the shadows of my hiding spot. 0600 hours... I woke up, only to see a big blast, probably from a Gjallarhorn. They found me... I must fight now. Got some flame shields by punching a hunter, I Titan with matador got me good, but still alive. I blew up a couple of others with my grenades. For a moment, I stood and watched. The Tower in flames. Corpses and ashes everywhere. The Speaker blown to pieces, Grandma Eris ship crashed into the postmaster's kios, the Gunsmith still standing there, repairing guns with pieces of dead exo Guardians... What a despicable being. I made my way to the vaults... too much fire. I was caught in the middle of the firefight, every man for himself. My friends lay dead before me, I was angry... I took my guns and fought them all. The bullshit was real. How many times I was tagged by Thorn? I saw Lord Saladbar taking this Hunter's Felwinter's Lie and executing the poor bastard with it. That man has issues. I can see Rahool, peeking out the little doors of his hidden vault. I see you mother**** A wounded Titan falls at my feet, begging for Mercy... He was wearing my best friend's mark... I took his helm of Saint-14 off, looked him in the eye, and beated the shit out of him with the helm. How does it feel to be blinded now b**tch! The shit just hit the fan... Someone spotted Xur picking up strange coins from dead Guardian... Now it is the time to go. Whoever gets their hands on Xur... I must reach him before someone else does. A titan blinded everyone with his grenade, in the confusion, another Titan panicked and fisted the shit out of people... I was caught in the blast. I revived myself, only to be blasted away again by the Exo that I provided shelter to... I knew he couldn't be trusted. I was nearly dead, but I took my Red Death and put a couple of bullets on that bastard. I was healed a little, but Lord Saladbar assaulted me... Punched my legs out of commission, broke my left arm, and popped one of my optics. Luckily, right before he could deal the final blow, his skull blows up like a piñata... My friend saved my life with No Land Beyond!! But... he was already dead when I saw him. His flesh burned, Thorn finally burned him to death. So there I was, crawling my way to master Rahool. I reached out to him and handed over my engrams. Finally, I get my rewards... Rahool looked me in the eye... and said "You're very lucky, Guardian!" A strange coin, from my rare engram... And Ascendant shard from my Legendary engram. My hopes crushed... My will to live diminished. I looked Rahool in the eye, into his soul, with my single optic and told him "Go Fawk yourself" My light was no more... Xur took the coin after my death.

So when I was at the University of Iowa, several people, including myself, bought Nerf guns for impromptu battles in the hallways when we had free time. Mostly this was all good, clean fun, except for two of the guys down the hall, my roommate, and I. We all thought, rightfully so, that factory built Nerf guns are bullshit. They’re weak, darts are too -blam!-ing light, the barrels cause too much friction, which makes them inaccurate and slow, and you have to re-cock them after each shot. That’s some -blam!-ing bullshit right there. So we fixed it. We bought new, higher tensile springs. We bought PVC pipe and lubricant. We put BBs in the tips of our darts, and my roommate and even put in a second spring to automatically cock the gun,essentially turning them from bolt action pieces of shit into semi-automatic friendship-ruiners. So when I moved back to Chicago, and into the apartment, I obviously brought my Nerf guns (my roommate gave me his when we moved out), and I obviously attacked my roommates the first opportunity I had. OBVIOUSLY this led to everyone buying Nerf guns and modifying the shit out of them. However, some of us were terrible shots, so certain measures had to be taken to make it possible for them to keep up. Brad practiced in his room every day, Josh built an extended clip for his gun, and Kyle bought the -blam!-ing Vulcan and built a 600 dart belt for it because he decided aiming is for people who can’t fire 6 darts a second (he modded it for doubled firing speed using a small car battery and replaced mechanics). And then there was Paul. Paul was -blam!-ing terrible. Like almost so bad it couldn’t be for real. He once tried to ambush me coming around a corner from 2 feet away and missed by a good 6-7 inches. He literally could have slapped me and he missed. Whatever moving on. So Paul decides to solve his aim problems in the most Paul way possible: online shopping. He bought 500 foam pellets for a marshmallow gun, two dozen foam discs, and a mother-blam!-ing t-shirt cannon. You see, Paul, much like Kyle, decided aiming was for lames. So he would pour foam pellets into the cannon until it was half full, slip in a disc to keep them from falling out, then shotgun people in the face. I was his first victim and boy let me tell you that shit is terrifying. So Paul became the big dog in the house during Nerf battles, and the rest of us found ourselves unable to compete. So we all escalated in our own insane ways. Eric and I, the former champions, modified our guns to fire faster, Brad added an extended magazine to his gun, Kyle built a harness so that he could shoot his -blam!-ing stupid -blam!-ing bullet-storm piece of shit while moving. Josh booby-trapped various parts of our apartment. Suddenly, we were all better than Paul again, so he decided to step his game up. He started making paper cartridges that would explode open once fired. Suddenly, he could actually fire multiple times a minute, which meant once again, he was at the top. It didn’t help that our reluctance to shoot back out of fear of getting shot was allowing him to take his time, therefore drastically improving his aim. So we stepped up again. I smooth out the cocking mechanism on my guns, improving my firing speed even faster. Eric adds more weight to his darts, making them heavier and faster and much more painful. Kyle buys a bigger battery, newer parts, and he perfects his belts, which increases his firing speed to 12 darts a second. So Paul steps up to take advantage of his improved aim and buys something called a Pucker Chucker which basically is a t-shirt cannon except it shoots foam pucks. This means we can’t just shoot at him from the other side of the apartment anymore, so we all step up again. I modify the rail on top to make aiming easier, Eric modifies his grip to make it more comfortable, Kyle and brad modify their barrels to make them more accurate, and Josh jumps on board the crazy train and builds a goddamn under barrel cherry bomb launcher. And this is where shit starts to spiral out of control. Brad starts making smoke grenades, Kyle solves his weakness against close quarters combat by using his battery to create a cattle prod to keep people back. Eric breaks the head off an old golf club to use the shaft as a weapon, I put pins in the tips of all of my darts, and Paul realizes thatthe Pucker Chucker can also shoot real hockey pucks after he steals my bucket of pucks from my room. So it escalated a couple more steps but I’m going to leave them out partially out of a desire to keep moving forward and partially out of shameanywhoozle when we pull out our final contraptions and modifications that day we shifted from light-hearted fun that was a bit too far to literally combat. Josh had a sword. I don’t know where he got it from. That battle was terrifying. Our normal fights were like an hour, two hours tops, then we would clean up, get together in the living room with some beers, and laugh about what happened. Honestly we should have known this was going to happen because when we did this after our previous fight, the laughter was less “haha remember when I shot Josh in the butthole? Classic.” and more “haha remember when I missed your face with that puck? Next time I won’t miss.” So we somehow get into a battle again and this time things go south quickly which is bound to happen when you have a dude in a speedo swinging a sword around while rolling fireworks down the hall. It was literally chaos. There were fireworks and homemade smoke grenades and Kyle made the electrical current in his cattle prod too strong and it was too close to the muzzle of his Vulcan so every few seconds you would just see a flaming dart wiz past and I built a -blam!-ing flamethrower and I don’t know what the -blam!- is going on so I’m just firing it in the general direction of Josh to keep him the -blam!- away. At some point Brad barricades himself in his room, and so we all run back to our rooms and hide. We do this for three days. THREE DAYS. I missed classes. We all had junk food in our rooms, and private bathrooms, so that’s what we sustained ourselves on for three -blam!-ing days. I, however, try to eat healthy, so I ran out of food almost immediately. After not eating for a day and a half, with food literally less than 50 feet from where I was hiding, I decided that I was willing to risk a trip to the kitchen. So here’s something important about our apartment: I was the only one who knew how to cook. I had tried to teach the others, but all that had accomplished was several kitchen fires. This meant when Eric also ran out of food, he knew the only way to get a meal was to make peace with me. So he had snuck down the hall to my door, intent on asking me for help. I did not know he was there. So when I opened the door and saw a crouching figure in the shadows nearby, I assumed, I think justifiably, that it was the guy who had been swinging a sword at all of us the last time I saw him. So I pulled the trigger on my homemade flamethrower, only to see Eric’s horrified face illuminated by the flames for a split second before they hit his torso. Luckily, I was using a scavenged fuel source (computer screen cleaner), so the flames were weak, but still fire is fire and fire -blam!-ing hurts. So Eric is rolling on the floor with first degree burns on his stomach and chest, and I’m freaking out because Eric is my friend and I just set him on fire, so there is now a lot of screaming coming from the hall. Now, to lighten the mood slightly, here’s a personality test. You hear the sounds of fire, followed shortly by screaming coming from the hall outside your room. What do you do? Do you assume the crazy sword guy has finally snapped and is going to kill you all, so you climb out the window onto the fire escape?Congratulations, you’re Brad. Do you hear the cries of pain and grab a first aid kit before sprinting into the hall to help? Hey! You’re Kyle! Do you hear the flames so you sprint into the kitchen to grab the fire extinguisher? You are Paul. Do you come out into the hall to see what’s going on but also bring your sword just in case you have to stab someone? You are Josh and also mentally unstable please put your sword away. So Kyle comes out and he and I start administering first aid and luckily through a combination of the weakness of my fuel source, how quickly I stopped the flames, and the quickness of our treatments, Eric only gets some first degree burns on his torso. Paul puts out the last of the flames, Josh decides he doesn’t want to stab anyone today, and Brad decides that the lack of screaming is a good thing and he comes inside. I spend the next hour apologizing profusely while cooking everyone dinner, and we decide that hey we should probably have some rules for our Nerf fights to prevent this from ever happening again. So we all eat, we establish rules about modifications and ammunition, and at the end of it all, we grab some beers, head into the living room, and tell Josh he needs to get rid of the sword seriously dude where did you get that from?

Not mine but... [quote]dis' What if everything you ever wanted... WAS TO KICK SHIT IN THE FACE!? FOREVER! THEN YOU NEED PEREGRINE GREAVES!!! PUT THESE SWEET-ASS LEGS ON YOUR TITAN AND YOU WILL F***ING DECIMATE THINGS WITH YOUR POWERFUL KNEES. THEY ARE GEMS. YOU WILL LOOK GLAMOROUS LIKE A STYLISH LADY WHILE YOU KNEE SOMEONE IN THE THROAT SO HARD THEIR TEETH GO FLYING OUT OF THEIR ASSHOLE! YOUR LEGS ARE BEDAZZLED! BEDAZZLED WITH THESTRENGTH OF 1,000 KODIAK BEARS IF KODIAK BEARS GAVE ZERO F***S ABOUT GRAVITY AND EVOLVED TO DO SWEET JUMPKICKS! YOU WILL SET YOUR CHILD ON YOUR KNEE TO GIVE HIM SOUND FATHERLY ADVICE ANDTHAT CHILD WILL F***ING EXPLODE BECAUSE YOUR KNEES ARE INSTANT DEATH! YOUR SON WILL DIE! YOUR WIFE WILL DIVORCE YOU! YOU WILL DIE ALONE ATOP THE MOUNTAIN OF CORPSES YOU'VE LEFT IN YOUR WAKE AS YOUR LIFE DISSOLVES INTO A NIGHTMARISH HELLSCAPE OF VIOLENCE AND DEPRAVITY! YOU WILL TAKE PEREGRINE GREAVES INTO THE CRUCIBLE AND YOU WILL MASSACRE PEOPLE! YOU WILL F*** THEM UP! YOU WILL KNEE BLADEDANCERS! DENIED! GET THAT BUTTERKNIFE THE F*** OUT OF HERE! YOU WILL KNEE RADIANT WARLOCKS AND CAUSE THEM TO WEEP RADIANT TEARS! YOU WILL KNEE GOLDEN GUNSLINGERS...CAREFULLY.... YOU WILL KNEE OTHER TITANS IN THEIR BUBBLES, DIVING INTO THEIR NEON DISCO DANCE PARTIES BLIND AS SHIT AND MURDERING THEM WITH YOUR ENERGY LEGS! IT IS YOUR BUBBLE NOW SO FU*** THAT GU---wait, shit...THE BUBBLE IS GONE BECAUSE OF YOU GODDAMMIT WHY THE F*** DID YOU DO THAT!? YOU WILL RUIN YOUR K/D LIKE I HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE SWEET, SWEET SOUND OF INSTANT AIRBORNE DEATH! YOU WILL CATCH SO MANY SHOTGUN BLASTS TO THE FACE AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT WHEN YOU KNOCK A BLADEDANCER THE F*** OUT BEFORE HE CAN CHOP UP YOUR TEAM! EVERY PAINFUL DEATH WILL BE VALIDATED AS YOUR LEG COLLIDES WITH A FIERY WARLOCK'S FAGGY GOAT HAT SO HARD THAT HE'S RENDERED BRAIN-DAMAGED AND HIS FAMILY FIGHTS WITH THE STATE OF TEXAS TO TAKE HIM OFF OF LIFE-SUPPORT! HE WILL LIVE OFF OF TUBES! BECAUSE OF TEXAAAAAAS! PEREGRINE GREEAAAAAAAAAAVES!!![/quote]

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