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#Story

Edited by Eranimus: 2/14/2015 2:21:22 AM
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Origin: Chapter One

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If you should happen upon this post and have nothing better to do, prepare yourself for a somewhat lengthy read. This is my first work of fan fiction for destiny. This will be a story about two guardians trying to uncover the secrets of the Vex. Who built them? Where did they come from? But most importantly, what is their Goal? These are a few questions that you may find the answers to should you choose to read about a daring reconnaissance mission to the southern pole of Mars. This will be a multiple part series. I have at least four "chapters" if that is what you want to call them already written and I'm expecting it to be 10 to 12 chapters by the time it is done. So without Further delay please enjoy, hit that survey, like or dislike, and leave your comments below. Origin: Chapter One Velox stormed out of the vanguard briefing room leaving the doors wide open. She was a hunter that stood six feet tall with worn armor and shoulder length hair the color of fire. She made her way vigorously down the hallway and up the stairs to the courtyard of the tower. Her ghost Gaia floated just behind her. Once in the courtyard she approached the railing and stood staring out at the city. Gaia moved beside her and spoke. “Are you alright?” “Does it look like I’m alright?” she replied in a half sob. “I should be dead along with the rest of the team.” “We had orders to investigate the area. You couldn’t have known what was going to happen once we got inside. Even my scans couldn’t penetrate the gate. It’s nothing short of a miracle that you are still alive.” “They tore them apart. I watched as my friends were dismembered by the hive and I couldn’t even do anything about it. I wish Neff hadn’t pushed me through that doorway and sealed it. I should have died in that room.” “If he hadn’t, you would be dead. I would be dead. He gave his life to save yours and you should do something to honor his memory.” Velox and her fireteam had been sent on a strike mission to the moon. They were suppose to breach the hive fortress, fight their way to a chamber called the summoning pits, and destroy everything inside. “Cayde-6 relieved me of my post pending a psychological evaluation and even the speaker is thinking about discharging me from the guardians. Maybe he is right. I don’t think I am cut out for it any more.” She said sinking to her knees. “That is for me to decide.” Gaia said sounding almost insulted. “I am your ghost. I chose you. And no matter what they might think or say, I know you still walk in the light and want to defend humanity.” “Thanks. I need to get a drink.” Velox said rising to her feet and rubbing the tears from her eyes. She turned around and almost fell backwards in surprise. Ikora Rey was standing right in front of her. Her face wore a blank and emotionless expression that gave no hint as to her mood. “Ma’am I’m sorry I didn’t even hear you walk up.” She said correcting her stance somewhat flustered. “Most people don’t. If you had, I would have worried I was losing my touch. But I digress. The reason I have sought you out is because there is a mission for you.” “A mission? Cayde-6 has me on psychological hold. I can no longer do missions for the Hunter Vanguard.” “This isn’t a mission from the hunters. It is a mission from me.” “But ma’am you are in charge of the warlock vanguard.” “Among other things.” She said quizzically.” Right now you are a hunter who has been abandoned by your order. You are homeless and have no one and nowhere to go. Do you still want to be a guardian?” She sat and seriously contemplated the question. “Yes but…” “Good follow me.” She said gesturing towards the hanger bay. They walked to the hanger bay in complete silence. Velox was burning with questions about her mission but dare not ask. Ikora was a warlock and warlocks were by their nature very cryptic and mysterious. She was also known for her hot temper and tenacious desire for information regarding both the light and the dark. An aura of mystery and fear floated about all those who dealt with her and were not of the Warlock order. They arrived at the lounge under the future war cult and sat down at the large couch occupying the farthest corner of the lounge. It was also, coincidently, the darkest corner in the room. The workers that were enjoying their lunch started getting up and leaving the area. Soon, they were alone. “I have had some disturbing reports coming from my spy on Mars. Even more disturbing is the fact that after sending those reports, he went dark. I haven’t heard from him in nearly a week. I need someone to go to his last known location and find out what happened.” Velox sat and contemplated what Ikora was asking of her. After a moment she spoke. “What were the reports? What was he observing?” Ikora shifted in her seat showing just a hint of apprehension and unease. It was quickly replaced by the same blank and rigid expression. “His ghost was picking up some readings in the mountains at the southern pole of Mars. They were picking up abnormal levels of void energy. There was also an increase in Vex activity in the area.” “Vex use void shields. That could explain the increased level of void energy in the area. It could be just a large number of Vex” “Not likely. Void shields emit very low levels of void energy. The levels he recorded were more on par with several master warlock void walkers engaged in full combat.” “I’m guessing that you have no Void walkers operating in the area?” “The last Warlocks I sent to mars were operating in Freehold which is almost one thousand miles away. That was four months ago. ” “So what do you want me to do?” “I want you to go to my spy’s last known location and try to find out what happened to him. If he has met his demise, I want you to continue where he left off.” Velox considered what was being asked of her. It wasn’t a mission for the Hunters, but she was perfectly suited for stealth reconnaissance. She couldn’t make a decision without consulting Gaia first. “Gaia what do you think?” Gaia materialized in a flash of dull light hovering between the two. “I have been analyzing the reports that master Ikora was speaking of. The levels of void energy are higher than anything the Vex have previously used. We need to get more information on the area. This could be a threat to the city. I also think that you could use this to distract you from recent events.” “You are right. Where else do I have to go anyway.” Velox said looking up to Ikora. “What are the last known coordinates of your hunter spy?” “32.1753° north, 104.4439° west. You have a day to get there. I have already given your ghost all the information regarding your mission. And what makes you think he is a hunter?” She said standing. “So he isn’t a hunter?” She asked. “No he is in fact quite the opposite. He is a titan.” She said strolling towards the exit of the lounge. “A titan?” she said to herself. “What business does a titan have spying for the warlocks? This should be laughable.” She said walking towards the exit. “Gaia, make sure the ship has a full armament refill. I’m going to the gun smith to get some synths. We will leave in an hour.” “Of course, but I have to tell you something.” “You think Ikora isn’t telling us everything.” “Yes. The reports seemed like they were missing details. Like someone deleted parts of them. How did you know?” “Easy. She’s Ikora Rey.” So concludes chapter one. Please do not hold back with your criticism. I need to know if i am doing something wrong or leaving something out. I will adjust fire in the next chapters based on your guys input and try to make changes. Chapter Index can be found here: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/101226805/0/0

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  • Awesome story. I also recently got into writing fanfic, and by what I can tell, you're doing awesome.

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  • I red this chapter then went back to read more but I accidentally clicked on trials of a guardian and just finished all of those chapters. Time to get back to what I started!!

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  • I really liked it and I haven't read thirst her bus I will I just hope below and the titan get together XD

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  • I like it :) maybe a backstory could come in later too :p

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  • I liked it

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  • Nice work your first chapter has about as much content as the game itself

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    • Definitely continue writing this, but, as Shattered Mind said, you need to be more a bit more descriptive. Also, watch your commas (sorry, can't help myself. Bad habit I have). While they seem trivial, they can actually help the story flow a little better. I've also found that adding more emotion and giving more of a viewpoint from a single character (his/her thoughts, for example) can make your story much better. Otherwise, just slow your pace down a little, and you'll be golden.

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    • 32° north are north. Not south pole

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      • Ur doing fine but i agree with shattered wind. It needs to be a bit more descriptive. We know her height and hair color but what race is she, whats her eye color, skin color and so on. U dont have to be over descriptive but u can work details in while telling the story. Im already intrigued by the story so far, i want to know what happens next...

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      • Okay, I only read the first paragraph, so my opinion is a little less valid. Anyways, it seems like, from what I read, you should show us the story rather than tell us. You may be wondering what I mean by that so here's an example. Tell: John lay on the cold snow, freezing. Show: John lay on the powdery white ground, shivering from the cold. See, I used more descriptive language and (hopefully) it got the point across. Basically don't overload us with pure information but sprinkle a bit of descriptiveness in there too. Once again, I'm not a professional writer myself, but I have definitely heard this tip and thought a fellow writer should know as well.

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      • Check this out

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      • Nice job, I definitely enjoyed reading your work! I'm not a writer, but there were a couple of minor things that caught my attention that I would suggest changing. Sometimes you seemed a little over specific, like in that one section talking about void energy and void shields. I saw the word "void" a lot in there; it could be used a little less after you establish to the reader that you are talking about that type of energy. Also, some more conjugation if words when the characters are speaking might make the dialogue flow a little better. I say keep writing, I appreciate a good fan fiction. Thumbs up!

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        • Comment for later

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          • Just to come Back

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            • Great job.

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            • Lol at the fact that people are doing Bungie's job for them.. Or whatever that guy from guild wars job is. Lore master? Lore spinner? Also LOL at Bungie's business model: Problem arises, throw cash at problem. Problem not solved, throw more cash at problem. Ignore. Solved.

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              • There are quite a few comma errors. Otherwise, nice job.

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              • WHYD THE TITAN HAVE TO DIE??????

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              • For later someone comment pls

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                • I just wish we could have stories like this playing out on our own characters with unique encounters and experiences not just the one set story line but perhaps quests, and class specific plots and lore filled exotic weapon bounties that tell you about the weapons history like dredgen yor and thorn the notorious guardian who went dark

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                • I just hope you don't rush this to sustain our ravenous need for your writing, we will wait like we wait for house of wolves...and a hardlight buff... Come on bungie I know you can hear me...

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                • think bungie should make a section for ppl to write stories. a guardians tale. dunno any way keep it up look forward to reading more. took me a moment to picture a six foot hunter though and figured guardians would expect fallen comrades but anyone can break.

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                  • Edited by Argentum: 2/15/2015 4:06:11 AM
                    Just one note nothing too major, but the lounge under the future war cult is actually a gunship kinda thing that is, i think, a ship of a powerful Hunter, based on the Hunter emblems hanging from the ceiling Edit one : you also say that a stealth reconnaissance mission isn't a hunters job

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                    • Edited by XephyrHawk: 3/2/2015 10:48:55 PM
                      By the way what race is velox, awoken? #awoken master race ;D

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                    • Edited by XephyrHawk: 3/2/2015 10:44:18 PM
                      This is amazing, keep up the brilliant narrative, I have tried writing one but I have really bad writers block, any ideas on how to over come it?

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                    • A few things I noticed: > "summoning pits" and "speaker" are probably considered to be proper nouns and need to be capitalized > This includes titles, such as "master" when referring to "Master Ikora" >> Other instances I found: >>> future war cult [quote]I don’t think I am cut out for it any more.” She said sinking to her knees.[/quote] > "any more" should be one word > Should be written: I don't think I am cut out for it anymore," she said, sinking to her knees. >> Ending the bits of dialogue with periods is fine, except when you follow it up with "he/she/it said." In those instances, you should end the dialogue with a comma (inside the quotations) so it flows into the "he/she/it said" phrase. >> Other instances like this I found: >> [quote]That is for me to decide.” Gaia said sounding almost insulted.[/quote] >>> Comma after "said" >> [quote]“Thanks. I need to get a drink.” Velox said rising to her feet and rubbing the tears from her eyes.[/quote] >>> Comma after "said" >> [quote]“Ma’am I’m sorry I didn’t even hear you walk up.” She said correcting her stance somewhat flustered.[/quote] >>> Might be better written: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't hear you walk up." >>> Comma after "said" >>> Suggestion: ... she said, flustered, as she corrected her stance. >> [quote]“Among other things.” She said quizzically.[/quote] >>> I'd suggest a comma after "said," but it might be okay without one. >> [quote]“Good follow me.” She said gesturing towards the hanger bay.[/quote] >>> Comma or period after "Good." I would suggest a period. >>> Comma after "said" >>> "hanger" should be "hangar" >> [quote]“You are right. Where else do I have to go anyway.” Velox said looking up to Ikora.[/quote] >>> I'd suggest removing "anyway," but, whether you keep it or not, there should be a question mark at the end of it. >>> As it is a question, the following phrase should be "asked Velox." >>> Correct me if I am wrong, but the question was directed to Gaia, so you should end it with "asked Velox." >>> The next part should be a new sentence: Looking up to Ikora, "What are the last known coordinates of your hunter spy?" >> [quote]And what makes you think he is a hunter?” She said standing.[/quote] >>> You could probably just get rid of the "She said standing." >> [quote]“So he isn’t a hunter?” She asked.[/quote] >>> While the dialogue ends in a question mark, I believe "She" should not be capitalized in this case. It is a continuation of the same line. It might be better to get rid of "She asked." >> [quote]“No he is in fact quite the opposite. He is a titan.” She said strolling towards the exit of the lounge.[/quote] >>> Period after "No" >>> Suggestion: He is, in fact, quite the opposite. "In fact" is a lead in when used at the beginning of sentences and requires a comma to separate it. When written in inside of a sentence (in other words, not at the beginning, as it is written here), it should be isolated by commas. >>> Comma after "said" >> [quote]This should be laughable.” She said walking towards the exit.[/quote] >>> Comma after "said" [quote]Velox was burning with questions about her mission but dare not ask.[/quote] > Comma after "mission" [quote]It was also, coincidently, the darkest corner in the room.[/quote] > "coincidently" should be "coincidentally" [quote]The last Warlocks I sent to mars were operating in Freehold which is almost one thousand miles away.[/quote] > "mars" needs to be capitalized > Comma after "Freehold" [quote]I’m going to the gun smith to get some synths.[/quote] > "gun smith" should be one word *** Sorry for the lengthy nitpicking, especially if any of these have already been mentioned. I looked through some of the comments just in case, but I did not find much there to this effect. Great start to your story though! Keep it up!

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