This is a little tale of nonsense, mischief and general hate towards the RNG system that I just wrote, remembering the good old days were Rahool kept giving us Rare gear for our Legendaries…
[i]A Titan comes back to the tower, with a Legendary Helmet Engram. He goes to visit the Cryptarch right away.[/i]
[b]Titan[/b]: Hey, Master Rahool.. I found this during my last assignment.
[b]Rahool[/b]: Oh, the wonders that could be inside this Engram! What could it contain?
[b]Titan[/b]: Look… please cut the c**p. Just decrypt it already and tell me what it is.
[b]Rahool[/b]: Alright Titan, give me just a moment…
[i]Rahool goes inside his little tent, and comes out with a helmet.[/i]
[b]Rahool[/b]: Well, what do you know? A Toutatis Helmet Type 4! A most remarkable-
[b]Titan[/b]: GOD DAMMIT!!
[b]Rahool[/b]: I suspected you´d choose that one.
[b]Titan[/b]: WHAT? NO!! JUST, NO! I didn´t choose this goddamn helmet. It´s a RARE Helmet, you friggin´smurf! I brought you a Legendary Engram, how come I got a Rare piece of armor… AGAIN!! Last time, I gave you an Engram for a Heavy Weapon and you gave me A FRIGGIN´TOASTER!
[b]Rahool[/b]: Now, Titan, stay calm. There´s no way of knowing what an Engram contains. Did you remember to pray to Ahren-Jesus before giving me the Engram?
[b]Titan[/b]: -sigh- well, whatever. I have enough marks and glimmer for a helmet, anyway. Thanks for… nothing, I guess.
[i]Titan goes to claim some bounties, then goes downstairs to visit Lord Shaxx.[/i]
[b]Titan[/b]: Good evening, Lord Shaxx. So… I proved myself in the Crucible and I would like to acquire a helmet, please. Here are the Crucible marks and Glimmer required.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: Ok, everything seems in order… Here you go: A DURGA-GNT Type 0, just arrived!
[b]Titan[/b]: … hold up. What?
[b]Shaxx[/b]:… well, I said that this helmet has just arrived to us.
[b]Titan[/b]: I see. It all makes sense now.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: What makes sense?
[b]Titan[/b]: THIS IS ALL A SCAM, ISN´T IT? We take Legendary Engrams to that guy, Rahool, and he gives us inferior gears and weapon back… just that it´s random junk he has in his wares!! He keeps our Engrams, gets the true Legendary items out of them, and he gives you whichever armor or weapons came out. AND WE END UP PAYING FOR ITEMS WE HAD ALREADY EARNED AND COLLECTED! YOU A**HOLES ARE RIPPING US OFF!
[i]Shaxx slaps the Titan across the face. The Titan goes silent, shocked by the slap.[/i]
[b]Shaxx[/b]: Get ahold of yourself, Titan. I understand the disappointment in receiving an inferior-graded item from a Legendary Engram, so hard to obtain. I know that it happens more often than we wish. But when your Ghost saw the engram, didn´t it tell you that it could contain a wide range of goods? From uncommon, to exotic, and everything in between?
[b]Titan[/b]: Y-yes… yes he did, but-
[b]Shaxx[/b]: So you knew from the start that this could happen. Now, you are accusing me, Rahool, and probably the whole Tower, of running a scam to get the wares we sell for free, to then sell them to you for profit. It is a grave accusation, but I am willing to ignore it. However, what seems to be more likely? That the entire Tower is implicated in a large-scale conspiracy to steal goods from our Guardians, the very same warriors we mentor and train to be our front line defense… or that, simply, you have been a victim of bad luck?
[b]Titan[/b]: … the second one.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: You see, Titan. It is OK to feel frustrated. But don´t let that get the best of you. Plus, you don´t only fight for loot, right? You are fighting to save humanity from the Darkness, are you not?
[b]Titan[/b]: Yes, I suppose so.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: There you go. The answers we seek are usually way more simple than we think. Now, get this helmet and test it out in battle. Tell you what: I´ll give you a discount to make you feel better. 200 less Glimmer, and 10 less marks for it. How about it?
[b]Titan[/b]: That would be great. Thank you so much, Lord Shaxx, and forgive me for losing my nerves.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: It´s alright. Don´t worry, no one will hear about this. Now, get out there and wind up.
[i]The Titan leaves with his new helmet.
Shaxx watches him leave… and then takes out a communicator.[/i]
[b]Shaxx[/b]: Rahool, can you hear me?
[b]Rahool[/b]: Hey there Shaxxy boy, how goes the Crucible?
[b]Shaxx[/b]: Dude… did you just take a Legendary Engram from a Titan wearing an orange and blue set of armor?
[b]Rahool[/b]: Yes, why?
[b]Shaxx[/b]: [i]HE KNOWS.[/i]
[b]Rahool[/b]: … well, we know what must be done. No loose ends.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: A million deaths are not enough for Master Rahool, right?
[b]Rahool[/b]: Shut up, you know I hate having to do this.
[b]Shaxx[/b]: Yeah, sure…. Whatever helps you sleep at night. So, what do we do?
[b]Rahool[/b]: Initiate…. [i]PROTOCOL BABOON[/i].
[i]While in orbit, the Titan´s ship exploded and went down for no apparent reason.[/i]
[spoiler]"Baboon" is one of Bungie´s error code for a disconnect.[/spoiler]
Edit: [b]WOW![/b] Almost 200 votes and trending! Thanks for the feedback, and I´m happy to get some lols out of you!
Edit: Jesus Rollerblading Christ, [b]300[/b]?? MAY AHREN-JEESUS BLESS YOU WITH JUICY LOOT!
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Dude, this is fantastic. The baboon reference was a nice touch, too. Bump!
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Our cave who art in stone Hallowed by thy adds Thy engrams come thy will be farmed On ol Russia as it is on the moon Give us this day or daily glimmer And forgive us for free loading As we forgive those who grief us And lead us not into rage quitting But deliver us from the cryptarch For rng is the kingdom And the legendarys and exotics And ever and ever Amen May we never forget the holy loot cave
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Broom bot is not in though right?
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Best thing I've seen for days. Is Xander in it, though? He's cool.
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Hahahahahaha
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I always thought Xur, Rahool and the bounty master were the chain Bounty master sends guardian on random tasks that involve killing / being near killable enemies Guardian takes mysterious loot back to Rahool Rahool swaps item with a fake and puts it in back Xur returns to Rahool's tent to pick up "shipment" Xur sells loot back to Guardians ~Cycle Repeat~
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Yes it should be a million engrams is never enough to get good lootz from master rahool
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So this is why I always get the -blam?- error code baboon
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Haha that's hilarious! When I first heard that voice "A million deaths is not enough for Master Rahool" I thought it revealed a more sinister side to him.
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Well thanks lot-_- guess everyone who read this is going to be at the fate of protocol baboon now
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The vangaurd armory bot has mentioned to me that he has to keep watch for Kayde and his hunters because they like to steal gear away for other gaurdians. Its basically the rebellion and probably the only reason I havnt gotten error code Baboon yet haha.
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Frikking hillarius. Loved it.
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Does that mean Ikora Rey is part of this too? I trusted her...
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Does this mean my Dead Orbit, and new found appreciation of the New Monarchy, guy(s) I love so dearly is part of this scam too?
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Wow this is actually a really good story. I never read but I was interested in this story
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Good story. You are clearly not employed by Bungie.
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Lord Shaxx approves of this message... Initiated Error Code Baboon on OP*
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Lord Shaxx approves of this message... Initiated Error Code Baboon on OP*
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Well done. Im thinking that the final raid in this game franchise will have us fighting rahool in front of bungie studios trying to get the door open to face the darkness. [spoiler]bungie is the darkness my fellow guardians[/spoiler]
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Genuinely the funniest thing I've heard in a long time, even better when you imagine Rahool sounding like 343 guilty spark and shaxx with the voice of sergeant Johnson 😂
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Thank god cayde 6 gave Rahool a hint. And he's (and, as a warlock, probably ikora since she's just as much a badass) probably one of the few people shaxx won't mess with.
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Roflcopter. Lmaoompaloompa. Lollypops. Teeheezy. Hahahaharryandthehendersons.
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Why do I get blue engrams from legendary cryptarch/faction level up packs?