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Edited by Gallowality:
8/17/2014 3:07:35 AM
61
Care to give an opinion? Read up, Guardians! (Updated)
Below is a short chunk of a Fanfic Im working on. I just want to get some feedback. If you're a fan of the lore.
EDIT: I stayed up all night and worked on some new content for you guys. Let me take a moment though to thanks all of you guys who read my little piece of Destiny lore. I never expected such a positive reaction to my writing. You guys really warmed my heart. Unfortunately the update has too many characters to post here- so I've added a link to a website that has the updated tale in a format that's easier to read. But be sure to review the whole thing again because ive implemented a lot a changes and improvements. Please let me know if anything feels too bloated now. I hope you enjoy what I've added.
Click [url=http://www.wattpad.com/65492718-high-orbit-path-to-a-legand-high-orbit-path-of-a?utm_source=web&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&ref_id=33887937]HERE[/url] to continue the Journey.
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I like it.
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3 RepliesNot gonna lie. It reads like it was written by a fairly average 15yr old - who's just taken their first creative writing course. Much descriptive, many immersion. Go read something popular in a similar genre, then copy the style of writing there. Not a dig, good luck writing it. But having people who tell you it's "great" isn't going to help you at all. Which is all that's been happening in this thread.
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Sorry I haven't read it yet, but the fact that you tried is commendable. If you keep writing, you could be one of the greats some day.
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1 ReplyI like the general style to this short piece. You keep your story loyal to the source material which is much appreciated as well. I'm not a fiction writer so the only advice I can give you is to keep working on your story. Don't ever simply write it and call it done but instead keep editing it until it, not only fits but augments, the image you have in your own mind for your characters and their setting.
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You're burying your quotes in normal paragraphs which affects the flow for me, but good stuff.
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Good stuff, I'm looking forward to reading more!
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Awesome! Just checked this again and you've updated it. I'm excited to read more
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Very well articulated. Looking forward to reading more :)
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Very well written. I was deeply immersed into the story and was able to picture it happening. Would definitely like to read more!
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1 ReplyElric flies his rickety ship back in repairs. Leapt from the cockpit he landed hard. "God's damn thing wouldn't even port me." Well," the Ghost started. "Shut up. I read in another thread your my souls so talking to myself is stupid as hell." "But you are doing it no-" A glancing shot silences the Ghost. "Dear god," the Head Crewwoman claimed as she looked over the ship; "What the hell did you fight to be in such shape?" "Fight," Elric said laughing his ass off, "No fight darling. I was reading Gallow's post and ran my ship into The Traveler. if that was a fight I surely lost. HA HA HA!" Both the Ghost and the head Repairman sighed.
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1 ReplyGreat read.....will u be playing on xb1 or ps4?
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An enjoyable read, was able to picture it all happening.
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1 ReplyNicely done, you write really well and you brought the characters to life brilliantly. The different Ghost personalities was a really neat touch. You asked for criticism, so I'll offer one small piece: too many sentences started with the word "the" which is a mistake easily made .. and for someone of your vocabulary, easily corrected! Keep at it.
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5 RepliesExcellent job! Speaking from the perspective of someone who adamantly reads SciFi and Fantasy novels you have a lot of talent. There is also much potential in your short, but elegant prose. I personally enjoyed it very much and can't wait for your next part! Additionally, I think you ought to work with Bungie (perhaps they can assist you with its development) and Kindle Direct Publishing from Amazon (I'm thinking they could assist you with editing, publishing, copyrighting etc.) IMHO, because I definitely think your work should be published.
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Bump!
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Not bad. You should proof it though, it can also use a bit of clean up.
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Well Done!, I really enjoyed the ghosts having different personalities.
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Edited by SKTCHWLKR: 8/14/2014 5:20:23 AMDude. You are a story teller. I think it's fantastic and look forward to seeing more!
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That's not bad at all, good job. [i]Proud member of the group causing a sensation [url=http://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/67123219/0/0] THE GRIMGUARD[/url] .[/i]
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try posting on fanfiction.net
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4 RepliesWhen you say Earth's moon in your location declaration at start, you may be interested to know that the moon's specific name is "Luna." If your fiction takes Titan Gallow across the solar system, you may want a standardized format for these declarations. Earth only has one moon, so you're totally cool here, but orbiting Uranus you would have 27 unique moons to contend with, so the individual name would be extremely important to tell the audience where in the name of the Traveler the story is taking place. For that reason, you may find that calling celestial bodies by their name (and reference planet) will keep everything clear and universal. As an automated sort of fade-in (much like the" Captain's Log, Star date" of Star Trek), a static and clear format will make your work more persistent & believable in the long run.
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Would like to read more!
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Love it can't wait to read more solid work guardian
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Primary paragraph, line six: "rouge bits of rock," I believe you intended the word "rogue" to fill that slot.
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Interesting... I like it..
