JavaScript is required to use Bungie.net

#Community

Edited by TacTheScribbler: 4/13/2016 3:20:49 PM
6

Cheater's Demise (Part 1)

[i]Alright, so a while back, I was sifting through threads about the Quiver glitch and other such things, which subsequently led me to several threads about cheaters in the Crucible. I saw some suggestions about unskippable cutscenes and long-winded lectures from the Speaker, followed by temporarily unchangeable emblems that advertised cheaters to the community, as well as to other players. That got me to thinking: "Wait a minute. *Shaxx* is the one who runs the Crucible, not the Speaker. He’d probably be the one in charge of dealing with cheaters, so what would he do with them?" After all, there is a Grimoire card about his dealing with some rather unscrupulous Tex Machina employees who wanted to rig some Crucible matches. Or rather, he had Arcite do it. (If you want to read it yourself: Places>The City>Ghost Fragment: The City Age 2) So here’s my spin on what would happen if Shaxx dealt with the cheaters himself:[/i] Kellis adjusted altitude as he approached the abandoned outpost outside the City, decelerating as he did so. The Regulus class jumpship handled the descent perfectly. Those new engines were money well spent. “Well,” the Defender remarked to his Ghost, “let’s see what sort of lecture ‘the great Lord Shaxx’ has for us, shall we?” Glint materialized next to his Guardian, Light misting around him as he appeared. “You might want to at least [i]pretend[/i] to feel humbled. There’s a reason he wanted to meet us outside the City, and not in the Tower.” “Yeah. He’s going to yell. And you know how Ikora feels about yelling.” Glint turned his fins in a motion that might have been a shrug. “I’ve heard rumors about others who thought they could pull this off. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Kellis gave his own shrug and set the ship to be piloted remotely. He ran his fingers through his thick brown hair before slipping his helmet onto his head. There was the tingling sensation of transmat, and in an instant, the glowing instrument panel surrendered to sunlight. Even through his visor, his eyes took time to adjust to the glare. Glint sent the ship to take a position behind a nearby hill. Kellis propped his fists on his hips and examined his surroundings. Shaxx had asked - or rather, ordered - Kellis to meet him near an old outpost. The squat brick building still stood despite decades of neglect, though the door was missing and evidence of Arc burns still marred the walls. Kellis imagined that Fallen remains yet lay inside as well. The earth around the building was dry, with patches of brown, scraggly grass that fought to draw what moisture it could from the soil. Several dozen paces from the outpost’s walls, however, the earth seemed to thrive. The grass grew green, and wildflowers peeked out among the thriving veridian blades. Farther away, trees were growing. “Guardian!” The shout drew Kellis’ gaze back toward the abandoned outpost, where Shaxx appeared in the doorway. The Crucible handler folded his arms over his immense, armored chest. Apparently, he still favored that lopsided, one-horned helmet, as well. Glint hovered closer to his Guardian’s helmet. “I suggest you say something. ‘I’m sorry’ sounds like a good start.” Kellis shot him a dirty look through his helmet. Shaxx began to stroll forward. “Do you know why I asked you to meet me here?” Kellis adjusted one of his gauntlets. “You wanted to talk.” Shaxx’s Ghost appeared. “About what?” Her pointed question gave Kellis pause. He’d suspected that this was about his illegal weapon and armor modifications in the Crucible, but he wasn't about to admit to it, especially if there was a chance that this was about something else. Shaxx stopped ten paces from where Kellis stood, planting his feet in the dust and dry grass. “Well?” The Defender squared his shoulders. “I assumed it was about my performance in the Crucible. You are the Crucible handler, are you not?” Glint’s rear panels spun in frustration. Shaxx’s voice hardened. “You thought you could cheat the Crucible. My Crucible.” Kellis made to reply, but the veteran cut him off. “Did you forget? I [i]am[/i] the Crucible. You cheat the Crucible, you cheat [i]me[/i].” Shaxx’s Ghost disappeared, and the handler pointed at Glint. “You. Ghost.” Glint gave a surprised chirp. “Stand by for resurrection.”

Posting in language:

 

Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

View Entire Topic
  • Edited by An Engram Full Of Bees: 12/10/2015 3:15:35 PM
    This is [i]really[/i] good. I love your descriptions; the way you write practically immerses you into the scene. There's one important thing I would change. I might've written a bit too much here, so feel free to ignore it lol. [spoiler][quote]Shaxx had asked - or rather, ordered - Kellis to meet him near an old outpost. It still stood despite decades of neglect, though evidence of Arc burns still marred the walls. Kellis imagined that Fallen remains yet lay inside as well. The earth around the building was dry, with patches of brown, scraggly grass that fought to draw what moisture it could from the soil. Several dozen paces from the outpost’s walls, however, the earth seemed to thrive. The grass grew green, and wildflowers peeked out among the thriving veridian blades. Farther away, trees were growing.[/quote] A lot of this is a bit redundant, causing it to drone on a bit. Like I said, the descriptions are great. Personalization with the environment is good as well, but too much of it makes for a difficult read. For example, when you write "with patches of brown, scraggly grass that fought to draw what moisture it could from the soil", it seems unnecessary to give that much detail when you later go on to talk about how much the environment thrives. In other words, try alternating between simple and complex descriptions to make it blend.[/spoiler] The only other problem, a minor one, is your use of the word "outpost" in the first sentence. You're telling what the location is, but when you then immediately talk about "arc burns on the [b]walls[/b]", it gets confusing. Outposts can be any kind of building (maybe even no building at all), so you might wanna describe what form the outpost takes before you talk about features like walls. Again though, I love the way you introduce the scene and really engage the reader. It feel's like you're actually there, watching it happen. Not many people have the ability to write like that. Keep on going! The stuff with Shaxx is hilarious too!

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

    7 Replies
    You are not allowed to view this content.
    ;
    preload icon
    preload icon
    preload icon