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Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.
Edited by SniperPro147: 5/1/2015 11:52:46 PM
3

The Player: Prologue

Hive Fortress, Moon. 16-9-2679; Vangaurd and Gaurdian Alliance All-Out Attack on the Hive, Fallen, and Vex. --- My fingers caked in the blood of the lives I've destroyed. My helmet cracked with voices; the lining on my robe ripped and shredded. The earth was usually dry, but now wet with the blood of so many. My hand gripped Devil, and I stared at the roof of the cavern, and it reminded me of home. A bullet lodged deep within my forehead. To understand how I got here, we have to go back to where it started. _________________________________ The Player _________________________________ "Jake! Get right conflux!" "On it!" "Just a bit more and we'll be fine." The Templar summons its legions. "Ugh!" xF1redx died. "Just wipe, dude." The loading screen came up, showing the six people on the fireteam. "Maybe we can just hide next roun-, seriously!" "Seriously, the hell bungie?" "What's wrong, you guys?" "Contacting destiny servers." "Mmh, me too." Contacting Destiny servers. "Shouldn't we be in the game by now?" "Yeah, what the hell, it just keeps contacting. And why is it for all of us?" "I don't know it's weird." Contacting Destiny servers...Destiny severs not found. "What the?!" "What the hell does that mean, if the servers weren't found, then how are we still in the game?!" Destiny Servers found. "Thank God." Destiny Servers malfunctioning; new program found. "Guys..what the hell is going on?" "I don't know, it's weird. How is the game still working?" Initiating protocol 66; emergency code. Transporting... "What does 'transporting' mean?" The screen of six players went blank. And for a split second, no voice was heard from the headsets. But that silence was replaced with yelping, or gasps. Six confused family members pursued the silence, and found only headsets and controllers where there sons had been moments ago.

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  • Way too short before jumping right into the first chapter. Needs more context; what are the surroundings? What's happening behind the six players? They're all boys but what are the ages? This isn't a lot, and your first chapter doesn't clear up a lot of the missing items here. Also, less dialogue; it's confusing to tell which person is talking to whom. ID the characters, even if it's just quick names a facial descriptions to give the reader a face in the crowd. I like where you're headed, but this needs work.

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