Here at Startec Labs, we’re not completely oblivious to Valentine’s Day. In fact I’ve been mailing out personalized valentine cards out all morning. Let me read you the latest one I sent to Suzanne in Holland. Some Tulips in Holland are Red, Some Tulips in Holland are Blue… Let’s get drunk together, and knock wooden shoes. …The last line maybe could use some work, maybe something more Scientific. While I work on my romantic conquests, here’s this weeks (ASSHAT) ============================================================================================= [quote]“Whoa, wait!” you say. “Is this the Bungie Weekly Update?”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Same bat time, same bat channel. [quote] “It was, for many years. Today, we're giving it a new name so it would no longer be confused with Patch Notes.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Patch notes are those silly things we keep referencing to in our updates, which are the only hint of real information we release to the public. [quote]“We may have outgrown the name in the complex era of Destiny, but we have not outgrown the weekly ritual of friendship.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] But I'll never outgrow your butt kissing on Reddit or Twitter -DeeJ [quote]“Other potential names that were thrown at us on Twitter included:”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] We would be willing accept any of these names over the unofficial name of [b]“Fluff Date” [/b] [quote] “From now on, we’ll just lead off the way we have been”[/quote] [b]*Translation*[/b]: By ignoring your pressing issues! [quote] “Crimson Days begins February 9th when we deploy 2.1.1”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] Update 2.1.1, because you thought we had forgotten to NERF scout rifles. But at least this time we’ll give you flowers before we –blame! ya. [quote]“Special Ammo Inbound”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] More like outbound… [quote] “How will the February Update change the Special Ammo economy in the Crucible?”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] We’re taking your special ammo away in 3 vs 3, all because you guys are all too lazy to use your primary’s and prefer to kill in two shots or less with your secondary’s…It’s Bungies way or the Highway, so get ready to prematurely wear out those triggers! [quote] “In which playlists will these changes be part of the new Meta? Derek: Please don’t say “Meta.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Prefixes are not an ideology: Derek 1. DeeJ 0. [quote] “Meta, meta, meta (deal with it). Where will Snipers be shopping more urgently for their cans of whoop-ass?” [/quote] [b] *Translation*: [/b]Derek 1, DeeJ -3…But this is how we decided to let you know, that we also didn’t forget to NERF sniper rifles again in update 2.1.1 [quote] “Change is always met with debate”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] By debate we mean you pleading to buff and fix weapon classes, as we gleefully ignore you with a big hearty laugh. [quote]“When Rift was the game in Iron Banner, we heard from a lot from solo players who felt sidelined by the team activity.” [/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] And yet we changed nothing but our CEO! [quote] “We’ve heard plenty of chatter from players who want to let matchmaking choose their teammates for them, but wish their opponents would do the same”. [/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Reverse psychology! 90% of PVP already had matchmaking, but let’s make it sound like something you want which is Optional Match Making on everything! When in reality is just us making team games more sweaty. [quote]“Jerpie: Freelance 6v6 and Freelance 3v3 are mixed-mode playlists that are only accessible by solo players – no Fireteams allowed.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*: [/b]Solo players throw a wrench in our new SBMM team algorithm. So we’re setting you aside while we collect precious data for Activision. [quote] “Jerpie: The design goal of Freelance playlists was to facilitate an even playing field.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] SBMM 2.0 [quote]“Matchmaking has been under the microscope lately at Bungie. During Iron Banner, we introduced some new settings intended to reduce lag.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*:[/b] Is this update mostly about how we haven’t given up on SBMM like every other game dev?...Yes, yes it is. -DeeJ [quote] [b] “Damage Referee”[/b][/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] We realize that some of you live either in Australia or Eastern Europe, where 25G download speed is but a distant dream. So we’ve created “Damage Referee” to boot you from upsetting our ToO players, and their MLG dreams! [quote]“Paul: If your connection is bad, we'll be giving you even more reasons to improve it. Expect to lose fights a lot more often, even if you think you shot first or escaped behind cover in time.”[/quote] [b] *Translation*:[/b] Wait isn’t that exactly what already happens when you lag? So you’re punishing the Lagger’s with more LAG? …Expect a huge increase of those “Why aren’t you playing Destiny” questioners to be sent out Bungie. [quote]“We’ll be looking at the data, as always, but we’ll be listening to you as well. This is brand new tech, so let us know if you can feel the difference when it goes live next week.”[/quote] [b]*Translation*: [/b]Listening…They love it when I lie to them like that. –DeeJ. [quote] “When we download the update, how will King’s Fall be different?”[/quote] [b] *Translation*: [/b]We fixed two things that should have been fixed back in October…Ta DA! Remember to praise us for it on Twitter, as we’ve kinda gave up on the forums over a year ago. =============================================================================================== Sometimes I get Valentines too! “Are you made of Copper and Tellurium?...because you are CUTE” Ptff sounds like a real nerd…Who’s this from, Malphisto? How typical. I guess I’ll just have to sit back and wait for Suzanne to call me with her clog hopping ways… Yes, any day now.