I know weapon balancing has been an ongoing struggle in destiny, so I would like to share with you part of our plan to fix these problems. Introducing our new weapons dev, the drill seargent from Full Metal Jacket. Form up! Pulse rifle? Here. You're too strong. Have a swift kick in the testicles. Dont worry I'll tone it down 9%.... but 91% will still hurt. *Whispers* You better hope auto rifles pick it up or we're gonna do this again in a bit. Auto rifles? ....here? Stand up straight son. Your going to be the big dog for a bit, just like you were SUPPOSED TO BE LAST TIME! So stop being a pansy and fight back harder! Handcannons? Yup. Shut the hell up! Get back in the corner, you're still on my s*** list.... and that's [u]MY[/u] last word. Hehe I feel like I'm forgetting a primary... screw it. Secondaries, line up! Shotguns? (Respirator sounds) Hah. Well you've been beaten pretty badly, but not enough! We're eventually going to make it so when you are equipped, the player is booted into orbit. Hahah. Fusion rifles? (Wheezing sounds) Here. Slim down fatty. You need to be faster and more accurate. You'll still be a useless piece of s*** but at least you won't be so disgusting to see. Sidearms? I'm still here! Shut the f*** up. I haven't seen as big a failure piece of s*** as you since the last time I went to Tucson. You're perfect how you are, don't change a thing. Snipers? I'm in the back, sir. Of course you are. I want you to know, you're my favorite. We gotta change your luck in the chamber perk, but that won't mean s*** with the massive aim assist we've given a number of you. Keep quick aiming and crit hittin' and we'll keep kicking the s*** out of shotguns so you stay on top this year. There are some exotics I need to address, but we will save that for later. DISMISSED. [i]The next day[/i] Exotics! Fall in. Chaperone? (Southern accent) Howdy. Jesus Christ boy, what the f*** are you supposed to be? You're a shotgun that shoots like a rifle, so I'm inclined to beat the hell outta you, but we can fix that. Be less of a b**** and more of a bull and we will talk. Stick to headshots and maybe I won't f*** you up. Hawkmoon? I'm here sweetie. Lord almighty, your a woman. Well honey, lemme say that you need to cross your legs and stop lettin' those boys get so much luck in your chamber! It doesn't make you good, it makes you easy. Have some self respect dammit! Fabian strategy? Yessir. We need a different f****** strategy for you! You suck somethin' fierce. We're gonna change up your perks and tweak you up a bit. If that doesn't work were giving you to Hunters. You'll spend your days getting tortured by hearing "scrub" "rekt" and "git gud." Or maybe ill give you to the warlocks so you can constantly die and resurrect.... die and resurrect and then get b****** at for not being Tlaloc. Do you want that? ...no. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU! NO, SIR! THEN START F****** KILLING PEOPLE. Black Spindle? Here, sir. Glad you're here. I worked with Black Hammer, good man. Where's your scopes? I've only got the one... Well we will get you some barrel upgrades to compensate. Keep up the good work, but remember don't get too big in the head. They f***** up Black Hammer and would do worse to you. First curse? I'm around. Not enough. Your quest line is a b**** and you aren't a good enough carrot to dangle at the end of that line. So we're making you a little better and your quest a little easier. F*** up again and I'll throw you in the hole we put fatebringer in. Sleeper simulant? (Yawns) What the hell kind of name is that? Well, quit being a damn thief and stealing heavy ammo that isn't yours. Take a f****** fanny pack so you can hold two more rounds and stop b*******, spartan laser wannabe. ICEBREAKER, GJALLERHORN. FRONT AND CENTER! (Running footsteps) Sorry sir. I didn't think I would be needed here. Gjallerhorn, where is Icebreaker? He'll be a few seconds late. He takes longer to load up when called into action than he used to. (Significantly slower footsteps) Here. Men, I want to tell you how much we appreciate your service in year one. Your contributions were astounding. As I'm sure you've heard we are bringing some exotics from year 1 up and I wanted to be the first to tell you that you are staying right where the f*** you are! Just to piss you off I'm bringing in No Land Beyond and Dragonsbreath. Go back to the year 1 barracks and cry about it. DISMISSED. Edit1: Thanks for the replys everyone. It's nice to see that we can all share a laugh and talk about a post that isn't a shallow attempt at trolling or an "I hate (insert something here)" rant. Edit2: added the exotics from update. Hope you enjoy.