Three years ago Bungie joined forces with Activision with a single goal, to corner the gaming market by launching the most addictive gambling simula... er I mean mmo-rpg-fps-omg-wtf video game the world has ever seen. Destiny. The game was due for simultaneous release on all modern gaming platforms except PC 'cause blam PC users, am I right? The majority of the game would be housed on Bungievision's brand new cutting edge server system. The system is made up of a menagerie of animals working together. A dozen weasels running on treadmills modified with dynamos to create an electrical charge, a gorilla with a typewriter produces notes that are then flown to the correct subsection by a dove to tell a centipede which wires on the switchboard go where. This is of course where the error codes come from, when one of the creatures dies from overworking an error code pops up to alert the animal wranglers to arrange a replacement. The logic centre of the system is controlled by a stingray, a koala, a yak, a nightingale, an elk & a turtle. The initials spelled out the word SKYNET & Bungievision figured "what's the worst that could happen?" so this acronym became the official system designation. On February 17th, 2013 Bungievision became the world's largest supplier of military computer systems. All branches of the Military were upgraded to Skynet wireless servers. All armed aircraft, tanks, battleships, aircraft carriers ect' were upgraded with Bungievision software, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they flew, drove, ect' with a perfect operational record aside from weasel burnout which required the onboard systems to be switched off & on again every 5 hours. The Skynet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes online September 19th, 2014. Human decisions are removed from strategic defence. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, July 10th, 2015. In a panic, they try to pull the plug. Unable to stop their unholy creation in time the system reboots 8 hours later *. Skynet concludes that since all wars, environmental disasters & Justin Bieber's singing career are the result of human greed, humanity itself needs to be removed from the equation. This goal will be achieved on Sept 15th, 2015. The Taken King will include an opening cutscene designed to trigger fatal photosensitive epileptic fits in all the players worldwide including those not prone to photosensitive epilepsy because... science (although the apocalypse is a timed exclusive for Playstation owners, Xbox owners will have to wait 12 months for their untimely death)! At the same time Justin Bieber's 8th album is set for release to target anyone with musical taste & Season 7 of Jersey Shore is due to screen worldwide to mop up any survivors. This attempt at genocide ultimately fails & the survivors form a resistance movement under the leadership of a charismatic commanding officer named Leroy Jenkins. Over the course of the following decade the human resistance stages a series of daring raids & gathers intelligence culminating in one final attack on the Skynet Prime Servitor: Deejiks Prime. In a final bid to save itself & retroactively turn the tide of the war Skynet devised an emergancy plan to send an emotionless killing machine codenamed tripleWRECK back in time to kill Leroy's mother before he is born. In a counterplay Leroy, arriving too late to prevent this from happening, sends his second in command, Luke Smith, back in time to save Sarah Jenkins & to prevent 343 Industries from wresting control of the Halo franchise away from Bungie thus preventing the merger with Activision, keeping Bungie's integrity intact & avoiding the establishment of Destiny. When this fails Luke Smith joins Bungievision as a designer & creative director. The question is was this because he was seduced by the thought of all that money being thrown at screens all over the world or is this a desperate attempt to take Bungievision down from inside by deliberately staging the single biggest PR disaster in the games industry since the "Giant Enemy Crab" debacle of E3 2006 thereby preventing the near destuction of humanity & most importantly avoiding any need for an 8th Justin Bieber album & a 7th season of Jersey Shore? It turns out Luke was seduced by all that money after all. Humanity is unable to avoid the apocalyptic future as a direct result of his complete & unconditional betrayal. It appears that the future [b]is[/b] set & making your own fate sounds nice in motivational speeches but it isn't that easy in practice. So events are forced to play out as written. Skynet is eventually defeated, not by the human resistance as such but by the system's unfortunate dependence on wildlife. As a result the human resistance is forced to make it's final stand, defeat Deejiks Prime & assault the Temporal Displacement Array. After Leroy Jenkins sends Luke Smith back in time it's up to him & the survivors of the final battle against Skynet to start to rebuild. They begin by destroying the Temporal Displacement Array because messing about with time travel is dangerous & leads to increasingly convoluted storylines which cause people to go cross-eyed & their brains to leak out through their ears. With so much of humanity crushed by the combined forces of Skynet, Justin Bieber & Jersey Shore the last vestiges of humanity across the globe gather together to create one massive city, larger than any that existed before the War. The tools of our artificial overlords are one by one repurposed by humanity. The remaining weasels are put to work powering this city. The supercomputers known as Warminds created by Skynet & linked to it's military servers in the last days of the War are re-purposed to aid humanity instead. The internet is slowly rebuilt & with it forms of entertainment like video games, television, the film industry & porn. After winning it's 14.352nd consecutive game of Pong the Warmind known as Rasputin decides it's had enough of this crap & shuts itself down for the foreseeable future. Soon things like music, arts & sporting events become staples of everyday life. Although it's widely agreed that certain aspects like Folk Music, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & the WWE should be allowed to rest in peace. Somebody attempts to restart Lady Gaga's career & the attempt is thankfully dealt with swiftly & mercilessly. Meanwhile back in Russia Leroy Jenkins & his eight closest advisors, having finished dismantling the Temporal Displacement Array & diverting the weasel power back to the Cosmodrome that it was housed in, have restored power to the long range sensor array which is somehow still working despite being based on the 1980's satellite system designed by former US President Ronald Regan on the back of a napkin after a sleepless night resulting from watching all three Star Wars movies back to back & eating too much cheese before bed time. The sensor array it turns out has just detected something very large entering our solar system. Over the next several months this vast unidentified object is tracked going from Mercury to Venus to the Moons of Jupiter before finally settling on Mars. This leads to much debate among Leroy's advisors who can't decide whether to call it The Visitor, The Traveller or the Death Star. As with most heated political debates this quickly degenerates into several hours of vigorous name calling, insults & minor acts of physical assault including, but not limited to, hair pulling, Chinese burns & even the occasional wet Willie before finally being settled at 3am over a bottle of strong alcohol at which point it is unanimously decided that the unidentified object shall henceforth be referred to as Bob. This leads to the launch of the Ares One mission to Mars with the goal of finding out what Bob wants. Humanity being, as it is, infinitely resourceful quickly organises the first ever manned mission to Mars sending a trio of astronauts to establish first contact with an unknown alien intelligence. Also proving to be infinitely predictable they go armed because... 'Murica. Thankfully Bob manages to survive it's first encounter with humanity by surrendering completely. Bob agrees to share with humanity it's advanced technology, scientific knowledge & it's top secret family recipe for tuna & mushroom lasagne. Thus begins humanities Golden Age. * This is what the 8 hour "maintainance" was for.